So lets cross the lines we lost

Chapter 12

Zayn is happy and in love and Louis hates him. 

"I hate you," he tells him, when they're sitting on the patio late at night smoking where their boyfriends won't see because they're tucked away in bed. Zayn doesn't know that Louis would rather not smoke around Harry, but Louis doesn't think it needs to be said. 

It's not that he even really wants to smoke, it's just. It's comforting. Harry says that's a shit excuse though, and yeah, it probably is.

Zayn just shrugs casually. "Not much I can do about that now."

Louis groans, leaning against the railing and watching Zayn effortlessly blow smoke rings out into the central air. "I don't hate you. I'm glad you're happy."

"Good. I don't hate you either."

Louis groans internally. It is probably unfair to be annoyed at Zayn for being too easy-going but honestly. "Fuck off. Let me be bitter and cynical for once in my life."

Zayn snorts, arching an eyebrow at Louis. "For once in your–? That's a load of shit."

"Yeah, yeah. You know me,"

"What are you even talking about, Lou?"

Louis sighs. "I don't know."

His head feels oddly spacey, and he's certain he's in that weird and dangerous headspace where it seems ideal to climb to the top of a tall building with a bottle of beer in one hand, shouting Queen lyrics from the top of his lungs while his equally as irresponsible friends cheer for him from the sidelines. 

He doesn't have irresponsible friends though, so that plan is a bust. 

It's not that he's jealous of Zayn and Niall and their easy relationship that seems to exist perfectly and without a hitch, he's simply envious of how quickly they realised each other were this big I'm With You Forever thing. Of course, it happens differently for everyone, and Louis can't always describe what he feels for Harry, because it's so much more than anything that he thought possible. With Harry. With anyone. He doesn't know.

It's just. The thing that's keeping Louis from moving forward, that the underlying fear, it's still there. Fear of what he has with Harry slipping out of his fingertips, because in a sense, it's happened before. Louis can imagine feeling something so powerful, something that doesn't allow for any doubt or anxiety, something that he can feel with every cell of his body. 

He'll get there, he knows it. He just has to hold onto Harry a little tighter until then.

"You know Aiden was a dick, right?" Zayn says out of the blue. "Not every guy is like that."

Louis sighs. "If every guy were like him then the world wouldn't be worth living in,"

Zayn dismisses that comment and keeps a fixed stare on Louis. "You're dad leaving, Aiden, all of those other guys... it's not going to happen with everyone. If you find someone that you trust, you have to just be okay with letting your relationship be what it is, two people committed to each other. It is possible, Louis."

Louis doesn't know where all of this is coming from. He's not objecting to Zayn's sage advice and wisdom, however, because Zayn is the one who is currently in a successful relationship. 

Louis wishes Zayn's advice stuck as easily as he gave it. "I just don't think it's worth the risk sometimes."

"You don't have to be miserable."

"I'm not, I'm happy." Louis says, semi-honestly. Being single doesn't constitute to being miserable anyway, but he doesn't think that's what Zayn is referring to.