Random One-Shots

DSMP - Tubbo - Anger

TW: Anger, anxiety over anger, feelings of not be enough, physical symptoms for mental shiz, feeling like a child. Let me know if I missed any!

Why.

Why does this feeling control me.

I'm not an angry person, I do my very best to make everyone happy.

So why am I consumed by complete rage and hatred.

I don't know where this rage or hatred is coming from, or where it's directed, but it won't go away.

I want to scream and cry and throw things.

I sound like a child.

A small screaming five year old who has no idea how to control their emotions.

Except I'm president of a nation.

Which is now a hole in the ground, but that doesn't matter.

Presidents don't throw tantrums.

I don't throw tantrums.

I've come to expect this from Michael, but I can't be feeling this incontrollable rage.

I'm acting childish.

I'm not a child.

I am very capable of taking care of myself, and my platonic husband, and my child. 

I can take care of my nation.

Except I can't.

Ranboo is off almost nightly, doing god knows what, Michael is constantly throwing fits, trying to get out of the house, or ignoring me, and my nation is a crater in the ground.

I have nothing I can throw. I'll break something.

But that is just what I want to do. I want to break several things until this feeling in my arms and in my chest goes away. I want to cry in a corner or out in the open until someone hears my cry for help and comforts me.

I can take care of myself.

Except all I want right now is someone to take care of me and to hold me close to them and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I'm not a child.

Except I literally am. I am a minor who has too much responsibility and has no idea how to be a good husband, or take care of a child, or defend a nation from war.

I am completely alone.

Except everyone is constantly around me, seeking advice, or help, or approval. Everyone demands everything from me and I have nothing left to give them.

I can't even take care of myself.

I'm pathetic.

Worthless.

Alone.

And suffering.

Michael is in the other room. I have to be strong for him. I have to show him that throwing tantrums is not okay, that it doesn't help anyone.

But all I want to do is scream, and throw things, and cry, and I don't even know anymore!

I want someone to find me and calm me down after however long I need to just be screaming at things and breaking whatever I can find.

I can't.

Michael is in the other room.

Ranboo would be scared, he doesn't like loud noises.

Tommy would call me childish.

Phil would be disappointed.

And any authority or respect anyone had for me that I have worked so hard to build would be gone.

I can't breakdown, because I have a meeting in 10 minutes that I have to be ready for.

I can't breakdown, because so many people are counting on me to not do so.

I can't breakdown, because then I'll be no better than a child.

Ranboo would be upset to see me this way, so he can't.

I can't let anyone see this side of me, it already showed too much before, I can never let it out again.

Bottling up my emotions won't help, but I don't see another option right now.

I have 2 minutes until I have to go to my meeting, and I'll have to be completely put together by then, so I don't have time to cry, or scream, or throw things, or even to be tired.

I have to be strong. For everyone who is expecting me too.

This may or may now be me projecting. I have to go so I can make it to my meeting- I mean band practice.