Forever Ain't Enough

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Camile

I was sixteen years old when I attempted to take my life away and failed. Dreaming with his voice was what made me realize how lucky I was. I spent months questioning what brought me to the "point of no return"- what the final string that made me think it could never get better was. I wish I had a concrete answer, but I guess it was just supposed to be that way.

Coping with it at the start was upsetting, to say the least. I know I can only speak for myself, everyone's struggle is different, but to me, waking up in a hospital bed with my wrists bandaged, after doing everything in my power not to wake up ever again had to be the most confusing feeling ever. A small part of me felt glad I was waking up, but I felt mostly frustrated I was still alive. Talking to people around me was painful and trying to explain something not even I understood was awful.

I did not remember much after it, I just knew that right then, I genuinely thought there was no other way out. I felt as if I was trapped, and committing suicide was the only way to escape. My heart was beating so loudly I could barely hear my thoughts, and no matter how hard I tried, breathing did not help.

I felt as if my lungs were glued together and no air could go inside.

I felt as if I had been buried alive.

I went up and down the hall multiple times, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not beat my thoughts. I wanted to disappear, and I wanted to do it right away.

I was crying, but I could not feel my face anymore, my eyes were swollen, almost shut, and it did not matter how hard I tried, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I went into my room and shut the door. Did I have to say goodbye? I had thought about this before, but never to the point of no return.

I grabbed my phone with shaky hands and started typing.

Zac, I'm sorry, you do not deserve this. I am sorry.

I sent it. He read it.

But it was not good enough.

I knew Zac did not deserve to go through this. He just happened to come into our lives during the messiest time and decided to stay. Before Zac, it was only me and Jay-Jay, and at that exact point of my life, that was who I needed.

I was sitting on the floor with my back against my closet, holding a picture frame from us on our last school dance close to my chest.

"Why did you have to leave me, Jay-Jay?"

I could not get it out of my head, almost three months had gone by, and I still could not believe he was gone.

"You promised, you promised you'd never leave."

My heart was getting louder by the second, and I could not stop my mind. I was so mad; I was so out of my head. I threw the frame to the floor and it shattered.

I saw the broken glass lying on the floor, all I wanted was to end the pain.

My phone's buzzing was way too loud.

The thoughts in my head were way too loud.

I felt numb. I took one of the glass pieces in my hand and squeezed it. It burned, but it was going to make me feel better, right? I had done it before, it just had to be deeper, and longer.

It hurt, so much, I could almost mute my thoughts.

His mom gave me their number the day she told me he was gone. Calling your dead best friend has to be the stupidest last thing to do before you die. But I needed him. If there was someone I wanted to say goodbye to, it was him.

It rang two times.

I was either completely insane or finally close to him.

"Hello?"

I woke up in a hospital bed, still sixteen, still wanting to end it all. But hearing his voice one last time made me believe it was worth it - even if I could only hear him thanks to the fogged mindset bleeding out created in me.