Forever Ain't Enough

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Camile

I wish I could tell when my heart first broke. Was it when he stopped answering my calls? Or when he stopped replying to my texts? Maybe when I saw his mother's car parked in my driveway, with an empty passenger's seat.

How badly did I have to let him down for him to want to disappear? How much did I hurt him for him to give up on me? After ten years of friendship, ten years of talking every single day, of hanging out all the time, of jokes, fun, and memories. Three thousand six hundred and fifty days of taking care of each other, of fighting demons, and touching the sky. Of loving him more than I loved myself, of knowing every corner of his beautiful soul. He left in an instant and I could not understand.

I spent three weeks wondering how he could hate me so much, when he swore he loved me. I hated him for moments too, but only because I loved him. I loved him so much that I sat on my bedroom floor and cried for days. I loved him so much that I got up in the middle of my classes and cried in the bathroom, because I could not fathom the idea of him not being around. Yes, my anxiety made sure I explored every single possibility on why he was gone. And though him being dead crossed my mind in the darkest times, it only seemed like a bad, bad nightmare. I hate to admit that I started grieving him before I found out he was dead. Even in leaving, he made sure the news of his passing would not hit me out of the blue, like the truck that took his life did. Even in the midst of dying, he cared for me. But that did not make it easier. He left in me a broken soul awaiting its other half, which would never be complete again.

Grieving is so complex, that I could not blame Karen for not calling me when it happened, right? How could one blame a mother for not calling when her baby was dying in her arms? I would not have called if I was in her position, I would have been that selfish too. I would have taken every single second he had left for myself; I wouldn't have made it out alive if Jay-Jay died in my arms. But I had the right to, she did not.

Moments like these are known to bring out the rawest version of yourself, and I know how mean I sound, but I have my reasons. I saw her mistreat him for years, I saw her constantly scream how sick of him she was, I saw her drown her worries in alcohol so much, that she forgot she had someone to care for. I saw her hate him for so long, that believing she could love him a hundredth of what I did, seemed ridiculous.

I thought I had already been through the worst part when she came to my house on that Wednesday. Three weeks had gone by since he left.

I ran to my door when I saw her car in the driveway.

I forgot Zac was with me when I slammed my door open looking for Jay-Jay.

I did not even notice my aunt was sitting in my living room.

I hugged Jay-Jay's mom when I saw her.

"We need to talk Camy."

Only two people in the world called me that. She was not one of them.

I dismissed her needs and headed to my bedroom.

She held my wrist and stopped me.

I was looking for him.

She said he was not upstairs.

She said she knew how much he used to love me.

She was talking in past tense.

I did not understand what was happening.

I felt tears running down my cheeks, I did not know why I was crying.

"Oh dear, I know you loved him too, but he's gone now."

I knew why I was crying; I just could not face it.

"No, he's not gone. Where is he, Karen?"

"Camy, he, he's in a better place now."

Her voice broke. My heart broke.

"No, he's not."

How selfish was it to think that there was no better place to be, than together?

"Camile, he was in a car accident two weeks ago, and he did not make it. He fought till the end but, he's gone now, sweetie."

Two weeks ago?

No.

"I wish I could have told you earlier, but I was out of my mind too."

She walked towards me.

Her hands on my shoulders felt like pinches on a dream. A nightmare.

She woke me up, and I pushed her back.

"Camile I know it's hard, but-"

"You know it's hard? You know? You know NOTHING!"

"He's better now Camile, he didn't suffer, it was all-"

"How can you say that, when you made his life a living hell for years? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A TERRIBLE MOTHER! You left him alone your entire fucking life, you choose alcohol over and over again. And then you took him away from me and killed him! I HATE YOU!"

I was filled with the purest anger I had ever felt.

I was out of my mind, out of my body.

She stood still, crying.

Zac walked towards me. He held me.

I felt tears running from my eyes, crawling into my mouth.

"I hate you so much, Karen!"

I could barely speak. I could barely feel, yet I wished I could stop feeling.

I was numbed by pain, as I felt every part of me break.

I hated her; I really did.

I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself.

I wanted to kill her and bring him back.

I lost whatever was left of myself and cried.

Everything inside of me hurt so much I could not hold myself together.

I kneeled slowly. Zac kneeled with me.

Karen kneeled next to me and hugged me. I lost myself in her arms.

For a moment, I needed to give her the benefit of the doubt.

For a moment, I saw her trying to be better, trying to care, trying to put back together what she broke.

He was not gone; he could not be.

He promised he would never leave.