The Fault In Reality

Chapter Seven

A million thoughts decide to make a race track of my mind. I look down at my plate and study the way the tomato sauce hugs the ridges of my pasta. I don't dare lift my head to look at anyone for fear they'll see the tears that threaten to spill over the brim of my eyes.

"Era?" Pat asks, softly.

I know that I need to answer, fling a light remark into the air or pull a fake pout, and they won't suspect a thing. I've long since learned to pin my cheeks into an empty smile. But I can't. All the energy is slowly leaking out of me, and any hope of redeeming myself slips away.

"Look, Era, that horse is dangerous, and your little fixation on him isn't going to end well. Clearly you'll try to ride him and hurt yourself. This horse isn't one of your polished show jumpers, he's a damaged monster. He wouldn't think twice about killing you, he's not like Eclipse."

My chair clatters to the ground. I'm dully aware of standing up, and can feel my fingers trembling. Rage slowly floods me.

"Well you can breathe easy," I say, voice strangled in the grip of grief. "Because I'm not going to ride again. Ever. You think Devany will hurt me? I killed Eclipse. I'm the murderer, I should be the one in that corral, sold off because people can't deal with a jagged end."

And suddenly the ground is dissapearing under my feet, and the door is closing behind me, and the night embraces me into its depths.

I sprint down the road, trying to hold in the sobs that are erupting in my chest, trying to draw enough breath to appease the ache in my lungs. I try to wipe the tears from my cheeks, and stare up at the sky. Millions of stars are glittering up there. It's OK, they seem to be saying, we understand.

"No, you don't!" I cry up to them. "Nobody does."

Eventually I loose my footing and roll into a bank of grass. There's the darkened shadow of a tree overhead, and the night sky is patchworked between its splayed branches.

I breathe in the scents of the night, and wait for the tears to stop. In the far distance, between sheets of inky blackness, my father's voice is calling my name. I don't reply, I don't move from my nest in the grass. I welcome the shivers that race up my arms.

Eventually the pain and my father's calls fade away. I clear my head with a couple of deep breaths and hum a bit of this and that. Slowly I ease myself into a calm state of mind, and stand on trembling legs.

I walk all the way home, head down and silent. Then I start towards Devany's corral. It is there that I curled up and fell asleep.

The next morning I slip inside before anyone has awoken. I sit through breakfast quietly. Chase has deemed his curiosity too noble to grace me -as I'm sure he sees it- with a single of his questions. Instead, he turns to his step-father.

"Who's Eclipse?" he asks.

"Just a horse," is my father's reply. Just a horse! I yearn to tell them of the time she nuzzled my tears away, or the day I'd forgotten to check my girth, and she'd valiantly shifted her weight mid-jump to keep me on her back. She'd almost pulled a tendon in the process, but my sweet horse refused to let me fall.

Chase wasn't deterred. He set about turning on an ancient, dust-riddled computer, and on my way to my room I catch him typing my name and Eclipse's into the search engine.

I spin on my heel and stalk out of the room. With no where else to go, I wander over to Devany's corral, armed with an apple. For the first time, he pricks his ears at my approach. I swing under the fence without hesitation and empty my head, loosen my limbs, and let myself drown in serene calmness.

"You don't want to hurt me," I say to him. "You want to trust, don't you? Because I need you to want to get better. To be unafraid."

I study his eyes, try to untangle the flecks of brown and shades of gold and the light reflecting off it all.

"Fear and anger," I tell him, "are the two most counterproductive emotions of all. I don't know who you're angry at, or who gave you your scars, but I need you to let go of your anger. Grudges are fun for a while, but trust me, I know, it's an exhausting emotion.

"As for fear, I'm going to do my best to help you through it."

He regards me with his haunted eyes and skeletal face. I think, somehow, he might understand. If not my words, then the intent in them. I sigh and step towards him. He quivers and bolts away before I'm even close.

I take my apple and crunch it noisily. He slows to a walk and comes towards me. I balance the juicy treat on my palm and hold it out to him. Devany, with an air of utmost suspicion, takes only a few steps forward, before stopping.

I keep the apple on my outstretched arm. Eventually he's enticed a little closer, until his lips are scooping the treat out of my hand. I watch as flecks of red and white split from his moving jaw. Idly I wonder at the last time he's had an apple, or heard a kind word.

"Good, isn't it?" I say. He skitters sideways and I just watch him, a maze of dancing emotions flexing under skin too tight, and a body weighed down by a million worries. His hooves tempt dirt to the air, and a nearby bird swerves away overhead. A rerun of yesterday, I decide.

Devany ends up in the corner of his corral, ears pinned. Inspiration hits me, and I take a step sideways. He mirrors me, moving in the opposite direction. I take another step, and he matches my own stride. I circle him this way and then try the other direction.

Eventually he stops, tired of our dance. I cautiously move in his direction. Not so much as a twitch from him. Another step, and still he holds his ground.

Closer and closer I come, my heart pounding in my chest. Then I wait. We stand, feet away from each other, unmoving.

The next thing I know, Chase's voice has been tossed into the air, and I'm ducking to avoid Devany's flailing hooves. I want to curse at the wretched boy, but bite back my words and wait for Devany to drop back to four hooves. Instead, the opposite happens. I watch in horror as the great black horse balances on his hind legs. His weight tips backwards, and suddenly he's plummeting down.

I barely have time to react as Devany crashes to the earth, square on his back.

***seriously unedited***