Tw
Anxiety attacks, depression, self-harm, Eating disorder, thoughts of suicide, breakdowns.
Lemme know if I missed one
It does get pretty graphic and parts.
When I was writing this book I chose a random name to call Ranboo and I learned it might actually be his real name so I changed all the ones a saw but let me know if you see any so I can change it.
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My heart was pounding.
Just another day, another nightmare.
It's a common thing with me.
I think about too much, get overwhelmed before bed.
I never expected the internet to be this stressful and never expected to grow this big.
I wasn't cut out for this "spot light" bullshit if you will.
I was always the kind of kid that had to have everyone's approval and appreciation to feel comfortable with myself.
Hints towards being homeschool practically my whole life.
Well that and anxiety.
I always had it bad with anxiety but never like this.
There were times I went weeks without eating and if I did eat anything it was never kept down for very long.
It had never been to were it was bringing my mental and physical health down it was always just a thing that I was just like 'yeah I have that'
I never gave it time to fully sink into me.
I never let it get to me. If I felt anxious I would just take deep breaths and keep going.
Unlike now I can't do that, it's always horrid to try to regain poseur after panic attacks,
I couldn't just take a deep breath and make it disappear.
I wasn't living in some sort of fucking fairy tail anymore.
I'm forced to face the cold truth of reality and society's standards.
Everything people say doesn't just brush off my back it sticks.
It sticks in the back of my mind to just be played on repeat for days.
'Your not good enough'
'Your annoying'
'Just show your face it's not hard'
'You begged to join the smp'
The things people say.
Some people don't understand how hard it is to keep going seeing hate like this everyday.
They don't understand how hard it is for me to feel confident in my looks by myself let alone the internet for billions to see.
It's the horrible truth of being a full out 'on the rise streamer'.
On the internet I try to put out this "confident" and "bold" persona but it's just not true.
I'm an insecure, anxious, mess that can barely even handle going to school without holding back every bit of emotion inside them.
It's a curse and all it will do is grow.
As it grows it hurts more and more people around me, it's already taken a toll on my relationships with my mother.
She's practically the only family I have left.
I had this one friend'
He was an amazing friend but like every good thing that happens to me they moved.
We never planned on losing contact but it just happened.
We used to sneak out onto my roof at night so he could get away from their shit hole of a mother when she got absolutely wasted.
They were the only person who actually helped with this feeling of dread and anxiety I felt deep everyday.
He took my mind off it.
Talking for hours under the stars you really start to understand a person, and they start to understand you.
There wasn't a day, or an hour we went without at least one text.
He helped me more than he could ever actually know but they moved back to London with their mother.
I still spend way too much time thinking about him.
When he moved his mother was getting better but I still just wonder if she went through with it or if it was temporary for the moving processes.
That day they left was the hardest.
Of course I have tubbo now, but the FRIENDSHIP me and Wil had could never be matched.
It was the tight bond, similar interest and similar shitty home lives that kept us together.
Tubbo did start to help a little bit,
but it was more than just a random outburst of panic now.
Panic attacks were more spontaneous than ever before.
Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and just general shit that caused me to hurt more than before becomes more often only leading to a bigger drop within physical and mental health.
There were times I would hurt myself, you know if it ever got too bad.
It's a very hard feeling.
Your feeling so unstable and so out of touch from your body, and from the real world you would do anything to get that grounded feeling once more.
It helps for a second only to be replaced by a warm tingly pain threw your arm,
But of course it goes away as fast as it appears so all you do is keep going.
Push every limit you have in your body then just collapse, wake up hours later and act completely fine.
The loss of blood I would face sometime would lead to just being drained of any energy and emotion you once had replaced by a weak and numb feeling in mind and body.
I always try to keep myself doing it by saying it's all temporary but it feels like years now and I've almost given up on all hope of seeing the day I start to heal.
I wonder a lot how much longer I could keep these thoughts telling me to just end it there down.
I guess you could say "locked away" only to ever see the light of day if I go through with it.
No one needs to know and I'm not obliged to tell anyone.
I want to at least make it to the U.K. first.
If it's going to happen I want my last memories of the living to be the best I've had since well you know who.
I still fantasize about being saved one day.
It's never a specific person in mind, just someone.
Someone who will eventually find out and try to save me.
But that's just too good to be true isn't it?
