Here I was again.
In the bathroom leaning over the toilet.
It was tiring being in this situation.
Especially with how often I was here.
(Time skip)
I had just finished streaming and was on a call with tubbo.
I didn't turn my camera on often but I did have it in because Tubbo asked.
I had honestly completely forgot about the cut on my cheek until he asked
"Ranboo what happened to your cheek?"
Aw fuck.
"I fell"
I definitely said that back too fast as Tubbo looked a little concerned but as long as he stopped questioning me.
Thankfully he did just forget about it.
We spent awhile talking about some random ass shit just completely fucking around when I went to fix my camera because it fell.
(this bit was a little confusing but his sleeve fell when he reached up⛹️)
I knew I fucked up immediately.
Looking back at my screen and seeing tubbo with slight tears in his eyes I couldn't hang up fast enough.
Just the look on Tubbos' face sent me over the edge.
At this point my breathing was heavy and I was crying.
I was freaking the hell out.
How could something be so amazing then boom some shit happens and it's ruined.
Tubbo always made me so happy he was everything you could possibly want in a friend.
The thought of Tubbos' face when he saw my arms was enough to send me straight to panic.
(Tubbos POV)
It was just a normal night for me.
I was talking to ranboo and I was asking dumb questions.
I never expected ranboo to hurt himself.
He always seemed so happy,
He hung up before I could even say anything and that really scared me.
I was spamming his discord, Snapchat, and even iMessage trying to get him to respond.
God knows what ranboo was doing right now.
The panic in his eyes and seeing a few tears fall before he ended the call made me want to talk to him but I just didn't really know how to.
He wasn't responding to anything so I just decided to send him one last message before giving him some space.
"Ranboo, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. Don't feel like you have to hide anything.
Love you big man"
(Platonic)
I was nervous as hell but also knew it was best to give him a little space and let him come to me when he's ready.
(Ranboos POV)
I was too panicked to even realize tubbo was spamming me with everything.
If I did know I would have responded but I was freaking the fuck out.
I couldn't breathe, the hot tears spilling from my eyes, my heart beat speeding up by the minute, it really sucked.
* *
*
It was the next morning.
I had fallen asleep on my floor and woke up to my mom calling me for breakfast.
I was still shaky but still went downstairs.
(Tubbos POV)
It was around the time he usually woke up. I wasn't sure what to do so I just sent him a simple little
"Good morning big man"
I was still freaking out but had to push it aside.
I went downstairs to eat breakfast.
(Ranboos POV)
I had finished breakfast and quickly went upstairs.
I could already feel myself grow sick so I ran to the bathroom.
I hated doing this all the time but I had to, I want to register the person I see in the mirror each morning as myself not some random guy,
I wanna feel comfortable in my own skin again.
But of course instead of trying I copped with razors against my skin.
The cool blade always stung at first then you started to feel some control of your body return, then it goes away so fast you just keep cutting to keep that feeling for as long as possible.
There have been times I passed out on the bathroom floor but that's not important.
Once I finished everything I flushed the toilet and wrapped my arm and went back to my room.
My phone was dead from not plugging it in and I forgot my pc on.
One thing that caught my eye was 30 missed discord messages.
Fuck
I completely forgot about last night.
I quickly went to open them all and saw them all from tubbo.
I was honestly surprised when none of them were cussing me out or anything.
He was very understanding and nice about it.
I knew I couldn't avoid tubbo so I just called him.
He picked up on the first ring.
"Hi ranboo how are you?"
I really liked how tubbo wasn't freaking out and staying calm for the most part.
"Good, sorry I fell asleep last night."
Tubbo knows what happened and why'd I lie.
"Ranboo, I wanna be honest here big man. I don't want to force anything out of you but just know I'm always here for you."
He did know how to hit you right where it hurt.
I stayed quiet for a second before whispering a "thank you" with a crackly voice.
I could see on his screen that he gave a weak smile before looking back at his screen.
I was honestly an idiot for not realizing my camera was on but you know I have a bad memory. (🙄✋🏼)
Wait can I blame that on the memory or? Probably not anyways.
I laughed slightly at my own thoughts, only making me cry more.
I hated being so weak in front of tubbo but I knew I could trust him.
"Ranboo? Are you alright?"
Tubbos' voices sounded so concerned.
All I could do was a slight head shake to say I wasn't okay.
This is the first time I really came to reality about all this. I wasn't okay and there wasn't denying it anymore I just simply wasn't alright.
"You can talk to me"
Tubbos voice sounded very sweet and calm but I could tell by his face he was the furthest from that.
I started talking but I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking, it just came out.
"Everything's just become a lot for me, being this big has really overwhelmed me and it's just bringing me down. I love doing it, don't get me wrong but it's just so much to take on so quickly.
I want to take a break but there are people who rely on me sometimes and I don't want to leave them.
At first I didn't think it was that bad but then it just got worse.
I can barely keep any food down, and I don't know how to cope in harmless ways."
I kept the stuff about my mom quiet for now.
At this point I completely broke done.
I hated that this was during the day but what could I do you know.
"Ranboo. It's okay, it's completely normal to feel like this that happens to everyone. It may take some time but you will find better coping ways that work for you if you try some.
And with food take it slow, don't take too much at once, start small with just small snacks and work your way up.
Everything will be okay big man and I'll be here for you whenever you need it."
I had honestly never seen this side of tubbo but his words I don't know something about this was just comforting.
"Ranboo I understand if you aren't comfortable with this and it's 100% okay you don't have to do it but can I possibly see your arms?"
Something about this whole conversation made me even more comfortable.
I was already comfortable with him but this was a whole other side I had never seen before and didn't even know he had.
I sat for a second before nodding my head and starting to lift my sleeves.
I had honestly forgotten about the bandages on my arm from minutes before.
"How new are the ones wrapped up?"
Shit
"Umm. Like right before the call."
I could tell Tubbos' mind was working but I just wasn't sure on what.
"It'll be okay. We can get through this together."
"Thank you"
