Once in a lifetime {h.s.} ON HOLD

9. Wasted

Tw: suicide and self harm
Apologies in advance this chapter is all over the place

Skylar's POV
I was curled up in a chair on Niall's balcony, nearly freezing to death in the February cold, watching the sunrise over London. I took a sip from my chamomile tea, wanting to stay here and freeze. I always choose the extremes, whether it was burning myself, cutting myself, feeling everything in one moment or feeling nothing at all. I never had a happy medium. I would come out of the shower red as a lobster from turning the hot water all the way up and letting the water burn my back, taking the breath out of me and eventually making me collapse. Or, in this case, sitting outside in a T shirt and basketball shorts in freezing temperatures. The only warmth I had was tea, burning my fingers and my thighs. Today was not a good day. Red, maybe orange.

When I was in therapy, I had a system where I kept track of how my mental health was with colors, red, orange, yellow, green and purple. Red was days that I was numb, barely had the energy or motivation to go to the bathroom, feeling suicidal and empty. Or I had very strong emotions, anger or sadness. Orange was a little better, I had the energy to take care of my self, maybe not the motivation though.  Often just felt sad and restless. Yellow was good, or better. I could be distracted from sadness, like a funny joke or my favorite song took away the numbness for a minute. Green was the closest to normal I ever felt. I had energy, an appetite, and motivation. I had a lot of green days with Niall. Today would not be one of those days.

I was so cold I didn't feel like moving. I wasn't going anywhere. Really, I had no reason to move.

Until I heard the door to the balcony open.

"Skylar, what the fuck are you doing?"

I don't look at him. I can't.

"Skylar, let's go. Inside."

Silence.

"Skylar, c'mon, you're gonna freeze to death."

I feel bad. Look at him dumbass! He wants to help you! I don't deserve to be cared for. Don't shut him out. I'm wasting his time. He loves you! Get up and go inside! NO!

I didn't realize I said the last word out loud. I didn't realize I was crying. I didn't realize I can't feel my legs. I feel Niall picking me up and carrying me inside, turning on the gas fireplace and sitting me down on the chair beside it, wrapping me in blankets, kissing my forehead and tangling his fingers in my hair. "Love you," he says, taking the empty teacup from my hand. I snap out of my numb daze.

"That's the longest I think I've been out for." He turns to me.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

(THE CHEMISTRY I'm sorry to interrupt this chapter but JESUS I wasn't intending for them to get this close)

"I zoned out like that. I didn't have thoughts. Numb," I mumble the last word as almost a whisper, hesitating. I have never opened up to him about this. "Niall, there's some things I need to tell you."

(Buckle up bitchessss okay I'll stop interrupting now)

He looks worried. I want to tell him he shouldn't be worried, but I can bring myself to lie to him. He needs the truth. I've lived with him for 3 days. I don't know why that thought drifts into my head, so I brush it aside. I don't want to sugarcoat anything, but I don't want to startle him. The truth. The hard truth. He needs it.

"I'veTriedToKillMyself4Times," the words tumble out of my mouth quickly and sharply. "From the time I was 10 to college, I tried 4 times," I say, more slowly. "I've also had issues with self harm. I was in therapy for a really long time and things got better, but some days are worse than others. Most days with you are good days." I smile. "You make me happy, Horan." He looks at me, and I can tell he might cry. I push through it, telling him more. "I don't want you to worry about me, but I know I can't really control that. Please don't worry about me. Or at least try not to." I don't want to do this, I can't put all this on him. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, no that's not true, you're not burdening me by telling me about your past."

"There was this kid, Jacob. I had this huge crush on him, and we were friends for a while, but he suddenly changed, like a light switch. One second it can be bright, but one little change and it's just complete darkness. One day he started hurting me. He was following me around and telling me to kick him and he wouldn't stop asking me, so I just tapped him with my foot. He completely changed and kicked me as hard as he could in the leg, so I fell. Then he started kicking my stomach and my ribs. I couldn't breathe. He eventually stopped. I had huge bruises on my ribs. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone. I was a fucking idiot. I was ten Niall. I couldn't see a reason that I needed to be here, so I tried to hang myself. It didn't work. I've never told anyone about that, except my therapist." I pause. I needed a break before I continued. I didn't feel sadness as I spoke. Just numb, reliving the memories. Why me? What did I ever do to him? What did I do to deserve this.

"Twice when I was 14. I had self harm issues pretty much since I was 13, I would burn myself with hot water in the shower or use a lighter, or I would cut myself with anything I could. Scissors, razors, knives, glass. I cut in specific places that no one could see ever. I've never tried to kill myself any way other than hanging. I tried that January that I was 14, I can't describe how it made me feel. I couldn't breathe and all the blood rushed to my head. I felt like I was floating, and I could feel my heartbeat everywhere in my body. After that incident I did really well. Something was there to make me stop. I had bruises on my neck for weeks because that shit never goes away, but I had a purpose."

He doesn't say anything, but he takes my hand in his and softly rubs his thumb up and down my hand.

"Then people started telling me that my mom should have aborted me, I should have never been born, I should be dead, and I always agreed with them, I was like 'yeah, I know,' you know?" It was just too much. I know I needed help, but I didn't want to. I tried to overdose but my mom caught me." I don't feel like finishing. "I was just so, so tired. I wasn't me. I don't know what happened to me, but I could barely recognize myself in the mirror, smiling felt so foreign and weird, almost uncomfortable. I was exhausted, so tired I felt like I was living in a dream. I slept all the time, but I never felt fully awake. I got better after college, because I had my business and my music. Then I had you. You made me happy. I don't know what that was out there, but it wasn't me. You make me happy, you make me better."

"When was the last time you hurt yourself?"

The shower thing is almost daily, it's how I get my fix instead of cutting. "To be honest, I burn myself in the shower almost every day," I admit, immediately wishing I could take the words back as his face shifts from sadness to worry.

"Skylar-,"

"No, it's the only thing I have to do, the little fine line I have before losing myself and falling into that old me again." He doesn't say anything, he just wraps his arms around me. His arms are strong holding me. I bury my head in his shoulder. We stay like that for a while, before I pull away, avoiding eye contact. "That was a lot" I say, chuckling. I feel worlds better. I think he can tell I'm avoiding eye contact, because he places his hand on my chin and gently turns my face to his.

"You deserve the world." His voice is low, as if we are in a crowded room and he only wants me to hear his words.

But I don't. I have done bad things. Things that don't deserve the world. Things that deserve punishment they didn't ever receive.

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I am in a love hate relationship with this chapter :/