Deception

chapter five - fucking good slap

I woke up to the sound of my phone blaring at 6am for my alarm for school , i head a groan next to me, Leo is now under covers with his top off and his arm round my waist,

"turn the fucking alarm off Avvvv" he groaned into my neck ,

i sniggered at him, "no Leo i have school remember , also make yourself comfy did you ?" i push my body up a bit to look at him more he squinted up at me smirking,

"yeah quite, now stop moving you don't need to get up at 6 anyway we'll leave around 8" he pulled me back into him ,

"Leo i met you yesterday chill and exactly i need to go down and cook my lunch" i quickly pushed his arm off and hopped out of bed,

i smirked triumphantly at his scowling face,

"toodles" i slipped into a pair of joggers , and tied my hair into a bun,  i realised i slept only in my pants and t shirt last night next to Leo, i grew red at my embarrassment, i mean really Av you meant him yesterday.

I feel the constant heaviness in my chest weigh down more than it usually would td , i realise it's going to be harder day which goes great with my first day back at school . Not.

I've stopped asking what "optimal" is; in this depression I'm not seeking the happier version of me. I can't recall the last time I reached out for that child-self I once was, the kid who loved sunshine and rain all the same. I started to see darkness around the lights instead of the other way around, and soon there were no more colours in my world. They say there is a rope ladder out of depression, one you can use to climb out of it, the problem is that I just can't find the will to reach out for the first rung, let alone try.

Day like these i want to cry, to let it all out for it to wash away and never return but i couldn't have cried even if i wanted to. The sadness was there, but not raw anymore, like it had once been– now it was an empty unhappiness.

i snap out of my thoughts when i walk into the kitchen, i go to the cupboards to find my flask i put in there earlier yesterday, i then set some pasta to boil on the hob and get out the pesto.

I eventually find the coffee pods and make some black in a mug, needing it for the day, i sit at the side drinking it not in the mood for food right now,

you know i really hate the whole cant eat food thing sometimes, i love breakfast but i just couldn't this morning.

Luca walks downstairs when i'm tidying up the pans and putting the past into the flask,

"didnt know you were an early bird Av?"
he wiggled his eyebrows at me,

"well you wouldn't i moved in yesterday"

"damn she's grouchy" he said making himself a bowl of cereal,

i rolled my eyes before walking back up to my room,

i look at my hair 4 days unwashed- Pleasant.

i jump in the shower , dry off my hair with a hairdryer and push it back outta my face while i pick an outfit,

i go for my baggy overalls and my green top , i put them and leave one strap dangling , i curl my hair lightly and brush it out so it gives it a light wave but styling my curtain bangs to frame my face, i finish it off with light makeup,

i grab my school bag from the closet in my room and head downstairs around 7:50,

"you ready mio amore?" Leo asks when i walk into the kitchen and sit on the bar stool,

"oui but it's Aven" i say not in the mood for anything weird to form between us,

he frowned but didn't say anything,