Seeking Comfort

I

As this is my first Wattpad story I have made it relatively short just to get a feel for the app. There will be longer ones in the future but this length was perfect for everything I wanted to include 😊

WARNINGS

This story includes many mentions of blood, descriptions of a panic attack and occasional swearing.

Hope you enjoy 😉

Every muscle in Levi's body was taught. Every hair raised. His jaw locked tight.

Painfully aware of the sickening churn in the pit of his stomach he keeled over, holding himself up against his bed, tightening his grip around its frame until the pain in his wrists was the only thing that kept him from collapsing to the ground. The tip of a metal screw cutting deep into the side of his hand the only thing keeping him on his feet. Even as a warm trickle of blood began its way down his arm, he only clasped on harder. There was a weight on Levi's chest. A weight that restricted his breathing, blocking off his airways and the blood flow to his head. A weight that was also on his shoulders, so heavy that it pushed Levi down. Crushing him until he was on his knees, palms facing heavenward, a thick pool of blood collecting in its concavity.

A small price to pay for the loss of his squad.

Levi hated blood. That of his enemies but also his own. He hated the pungent smell, the way its stained whatever it could reach. Now, kneeling on the wooden floor of his quarters with it collecting in his hands, his previous meal began to rise. Cupping his hands to stop the blood from dripping, Levi stood and rushed to the bathroom where his tired legs buckled underneath him. He caught himself on the toilet and when he retched he brought up nothing but bile. A feeble moan escaped him and his head found the bowl once more.

Every part of Levi ached. For the first time in longer than he could remember, he felt weak. Felt like a stranger in his very own body, which was all but devoid of emotions. Feeling lost was not something he was used to. He always had a goal. Something to work towards.

People to protect.

   "Stop it." He said aloud, though he was alone. His teeth were clenched so hard that his eyes began to blur.

You will always be alone.

   "No, no." He said again. He raised a bloody hand and slapped himself around the face, leaving a large red smear across his cheek. "I still have Erwin. I still have-" Levi pushed himself to his feet, not bothering to clean the bathroom as he staggered back out. His head was spinning again. He stumbled sideways and came to a stop.

One foot in front of the other. Slowly.

Taking care to walk in a straight line, he found his way to the small kitchen and then to the handle of a small glass cabinet from which he withdrew a very old bottle of something. He didn't bother to check exactly; none of them were opened anyway. He popped the lid and tilting his head back, brought the bottle to his lips.

***

Levi didn't dare close his eyes, for whenever he did, his whole world lurched from side to side. Swaying, spiraling, until he found himself in the bathroom once more. Instead, he opted for cleaning, sharpening then polishing every weapon that he owned. More than once. Slicing his hands open on more than one occasion. His entire body was so numb that he only realized this as he stretched out his arm towards the nearing empty bottle. His mood swung from giggly to angry and back again and many times he caught himself speaking to people that were nowhere to be seen.

Maybe they would all be here if it wasn't for him.

He leant back against the wall, resting his head that felt unusually light against his bedframe.

Petra.

Levi brought his hands up level with his face and turned them, inspecting the many little cuts that tainted his skin a dark red.

   "There's blood on my hands." He chuckled.

He dropped his head down, resting it on his knees, creases running across his forehead.

I should have been there. I could have protected them.

He flung his head back in frustration. It made a loud cracking sound as it hit the wall. A few specs of dust lifted from the stone, sinking slowly to the ground and in Levi's eyes tears were swimming from the shock.

Why could Erwin never find success in a mission. Just once. If only-

   "Erwin."

Levi pushed off from the wall, toppling forwards until he steadied himself and controlled the whirl in his eyes. He pulled open his door and leaving it that way, started down the corridor towards the Commander's quarters.