I am the Drummer's girl.... Final and completed

How did I get here? FINAL VERSION

Ok ok.... let's take a deep breath everyone.....

You might wonder, how did I end up in this situation? Or even, how did I end up here - at all?

Well, that is not so easy to answer. I guess my life in general had never been that easy, and trying to explain how I ended up in this tricky situation in the first place.... well.... it's complicated, to say the least. 

I have already spoken about my abusive parents and my troubled childhood. I guess that part is worth a book in itself to be honest with you. Maybe I will write down my complete story one day, who knows? Also, not a lot of people tend to believe me whenever I talk about my narcisistic parents and the way they have always (mis)treated me. I can't even remember the amount of times I heard the words "Oh, you must be exaggerating". And honestly, I can't blame the people who said that! If people only knew how fucked up my childhood actually was, and if the knew all the details.... I don't think that many people would be able to cope, honestly.

I have a small dent in my skull, for instance. This is a small reminder of the time my mother threw my off the changing table when I was only a small baby. Apparantly I had been crying for quite some time, and she got fed up with it. Instead of trying to comfort me, trying to find out why I was crying, or get help, she decided that yeeting me off the changing table as if I were a ragdoll, was the best option. I know what you are thinking: "That surely didn't happen!" But I'm afraid it did, and I still have that small dent at the front of my skull to prove it. (Baby skulls are still very soft, so that's why this could happen without actually killing me, before you think it's impossible). The most disgusting thing might even be that my mother used to tell each and everyone this charming anecdote while laughing hysterically. And many would laugh along, including me (what else could I do, really?) How child protection services were never called on us is still a miracle to me, but then again, it was the 70's, and that meant that spanking your kids until they behaved was quite a normal thing to do. 

The funny thing is that I got spoiled quite a lot, but only with things like clothes and presents. Even if I said to my mother I didn't really need new shoes, she would buy me three new pairs. Keeping up appearances was very important for especially my mother. As long as the outside world saw how many different shoes I had, how many different outfits... oh, all was well. I never asked for anything, but each Christmas I got the most expensive gifts like another new bike, just so they could show off to their friends and family. Basically, they were just trying to prove they were good parents to the outside world, but failed miserably when it came to actually loving and caring about me. 

When I was still a very young girl, I guess I didn't really notice? Of course I found it strange that whenever I had a play date at a friend's house, their parents were always loving and sweet, whereas mine never were, but I guess I was too young to fully understand. Realising something was off, and that maybe my parents weren't "normal", but I think at that age I still thought that was nothing to worry about. Some parents were like this, some were like that. And that's just the way it was.

The first time I noticed something wasn't actually right, was when I was around seven or eight years old. I went to a friend's birthday party and it was on a Saturday night - they had planned a BBQ for us, and there would be music and dancing. I had such an amazing time, and my friend's mother was dancing along with us, she was such a sweet woman! After the party was over, she all hugged us, and gave us all a kiss on the cheek, telling us we had behaved so well, that she enjoyed our company and that she was very grateful we made her daughter's birthday such a huge success. I felt very happy about her hug, it made me feel special (even though she had hugged us all) but when I told my mother about this afterwards, she scoffed: "She's a lunatic, she must have been drunk! I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore, she's obviously trash, such nonsense, kissing other people's children!" 

And that was that. She couldn't be happy for me, only judging. I felt so bad about it afterwards! The happiness I felt about that birthday party vanished immediately. 

And this is how things always were when growing up. Especially my mother was always judging my friends, my taste in clothes, music, my appearance. 

But back to the "How did I end up in this situation?"part......

When I turned 16, this was a turning point for me. Blame it on puberty and/or hormones, but I got so fed up with everything my parents did to me, that I secretly started saving money for what I called "a better future". I was - of course - still a child somehow, but I also knew that I didn't want the life I was leading now, to continue for the rest of my life. I wanted more out of life, I wanted to travel, see the world, meet new people and - most of all - I wanted a carefree life. One where I didn't need to be scared of my parents all the time. And most of all - I didn't want to live under their roof any longer than strictly neccesary!

You could say that I was forced to grow up pretty quickly, due to the way my parents treated me. It not only leaves you with scars on your soul, it also makes you independent and strong. Or at least in my case. I never really had a carefree childhood, come to think of it. And if I wanted to make something out of my life, I needed changes. 

So I started saving money. I worked part-time in a supermarket, was picking strawberries, delivering newspapers, basically doing everything to earn some extra cash. I never went out and I never spent a lot on myself, so I was able to save up quite an amount. Enough to follow my dreams, at least. Until my parents found out I was working and saving so much. They - of course - had no idea why, but I guess it made them jealous of me. I know that sounds crazy, but this is what I believe was the case. So of course, they came up with a plan to ruin things for me.

When my parents decided I needed to give them the money I was making, because "We are not shitting money Anna, and you cost us a lot you know" I decided that I would be better off living on my own. After all, If I was that expensive, I would do them a favour by just going away. 

OF course, this is not what they meant. This wasn't the plan! No, they just thought it would be much easier for me to just GIVE them the money. Once again, I was given the silent treatment after telling them I had found a room and that I would start living on my own. I guess they never expected it from me. And I guess they never expected it from me to stand up for myself.

After paying my own rent and own bills for about a year, I decided to take the next step, and follow my dreams to work and study abroad. It would most definitely give me more opportunities in life and it would look good on my resume. As I had always had a weak spot for the UK, and London in general, I decided to see what my possibilities were. 

Turned out, it was possible for me to start university there and expand my knowledge. There were great opportunities in the field I was looking at, and this is when I decided it would be the ultimate chance for me. I applied and I was accepted .I was over the moon!

Well, and I already told you how breaking the news to my parents went.... they were of course not pleased. I kinda expected it, but it still hurt. So I took a leap of faith and booked a one-way ticket to London. 

And so here I was now - living the dream in a London flat, starting my education in autumn. And I was kissing a world famous drummer, the sexiest man to have ever walked the earth, who was already in a very committed relationship with another woman, in the middle of my kitchen. What was I thinking? Was I even thinking at the time? The answer is simple, but ever so complicated. The answer was, that I fell in love, unexpectedly, but head over heels, right there and then, and there was nothing in the world that could stop these feelings, even if I had wanted it. You can judge me all you can, trust me, even I do sometimes, but the fact is that love is probably the strongest feeling in the world, and it makes you do stupid things.