I am the Drummer's girl.... Final and completed

So sad it ends...... FINAL VERSION

"I'm going to be a father again" 

His words echoed in my head, and I felt the whole world spinning. It was like all the blood was drained from my face, and right there, right then, I fell to the ground, shaking, crying. Everything I had ever dreamed of having with Roger... it was all gone when he said that simple, single sentence.

"Baby... are you ...a-are you ok?"I heard him say. He kneeled down beside me, his arm around my shoulders, as if he wanted to protect me, but how could he protect me, when he was the exact reason I was feeling so incredibly miserable? How could he be there for me, when he was the reason I was falling apart? It was like all of the emotions I had felt over the past couple of months, were being released and I felt my whole world crumbling down. 

"Say something" he whispered, when I kept on sobbing, bawling my eyes out, I mean really ugly crying. After a few more minutes, I finally managed to look Roger in the eyes, and with a shaky voice I said "Y-you do know what it means, right? This is the end of us". Roger shook his head. "No..." he whispered, but I shouted back at him "DON'T ACT LIKE THIS IS NOT CHANGING EVERYTHING!!! BECAUSE IT DOES!!!! YOU ABSOLUTE WANKER! YOU TWAT! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU! HATE YOU!!!" of course I didn't mean any of this, but I was heartbroken. Tears were streaming down my face, and I could see that Roger, too, was feeling very emotional. I could hear him taking deep breaths, but in the end he, too, lost it and we were both on the floor, holding each other, crying and not wanting to let go of each other, even though we both knew what the inevitable truth was going to be.

 I don't even know how long we had been on that floor, holding on to each other for dear life, but eventually, the crying had stopped. Not because there wasn't any sadness, but because I felt like I had no more tears left in me. "R-Rog..." I started. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes. The most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. Even at the age of 41, he was so incredibly handsome, and I found that the fine lines around his eyes made him look even more attractive. But today, his face was filled with sadness, and his ocean blue eyes were bloodshot. 

I didn't want to say it, but I managed a small smile, and, in between tiny sobs, I told him:

"Rog...I'm sorry. I am truly, truly happy that you are going to be a father again. I am. That baby is going to be so lucky to have such an amazing dad like you... " I swallowed back my emotions when talking to him "Baby... don't. You don't have to pretend" "Shhhh, I want to" I shushed him. "To be honest, in the back of my mind I kinda knew this was bound to happen one day. I mean....I don't know, really" I sighed. Roger hugged me, and sighed as well "I know baby, I know.. I'm so sorry." He kissed me on the lips, very gently and soft. When we pulled apart, he smiled.  I kissed him back, also very gently, my lips merely brushing against his. He kissed me back again, this time more demanding, with such passion it made me dizzy. I felt his tongue sliding inside my mouth, starting to explore, nibbling on my bottom lip. What started as relatively innocent pecks on the lips, soon turned into a full make-out session and Roger's hands exploring under my t-shirt. I knew I had to stop him. But I didn't want to. But I had to. 

"Roger... Roger please...." I whimpered, like a coward. I think he was fully aware of the effects he had on me, because he kept on kissing me, nipping on my neck, his hand between my legs. I couldn't suppress a moan coming from my lips when his skilled hands found the exact spot I ached to be touched, but somehow, I managed to say "Stop it Roger". 

He looked at me, fully surprised. His innocent school-boy look on his face. "Oh stop it!" I yelled, punching him on his arm. "You know we cannot do this anymore, so stop teasing me!" "I need one more last time" Roger whined, and he tried kissing me again. "ROGER!" I exclaimed, trying to sound disgusted, but to be honest, I was turned on as hell, and all I wanted was to have him one final time. We both knew it. We were addicted to each other, and neither of us was strong enough to quit. How something so wrong can feel so damn right, I still cannot tell.

So yes, you guessed it, we ended up having steaming hot sex again. And again. And again. We ended up having passionate, raw sex in every corner of my tiny flat, in every position possible. And somehow, it was even better than before, maybe because we both knew we were running out of time. But still I knew, after Roger had left my flat, he would be coming back. I just knew. 

Still, every time Roger and I got together, I felt more and more guilty. I was living with a constant fear of getting caught, I did not want to be "that woman" who is responsible for destroying a new family, and for fuck's sake, didn't I have any respect left for myself? 

Also, how would I feel if it were me, being pregnant, and my boyfriend sleeps around with others? It made me sick to my stomach. I just couldn't live with myself anymore, so I knew what I had to do. I needed to end things with Roger. Yes, my heart would be broken, but he had a relationship to consider, a baby on the way, all the right reasons to stay loyal to his girlfriend, and forget about me. 

"What's on your mind?" Roger wanted to know. "We need to talk" I said, not daring to look at him directly. "Rog... we need to stop seeing each other. I cannot go on. Things have changed! You have another baby on the way, you are going to be a new dad! You cannot deal with me anymore, we should face that". I stood up and walked to the kitchen. "So... this is it then? Do you want me to leave?" I heard his voice. it sounded full of surprise, sadness even. "Roger... my heart tells me I want to be with you. But..... it's just not going to happen, and we both need to accept that for what it is. I am going to miss you so so much... Especially because I know that you and I will never ever see each other again, probably never speak again. That breaks my heart. It does. But I don't want to be "that woman" in your relationship anymore. It's not fair". 

Roger stood behind me now, holding me with both his arms. "I know" he whispered. "Everything you say is true, I know. And I feel like a complete dickhead. You are still so young and yet you amaze me with how wise you are." I heard him chuckle softly. I felt a tear fall on my shoulder. When I turned around, I could see that Roger was crying silent tears. He was just as heartbroken as me. 

We then talked for a few more hours, laughed, hugged, cuddled. Neither of us made any promises. Simply because we couldn't. I knew that on that very day, it would be last time I would ever see Roger face to face.