I am the Drummer's girl.... Final and completed

Too much love will kill you... in the end....FINAL VERSION

In the meantime, I tried to live my life as normal as possible. One would think that my life evolved around Roger and our very secret relationship (or should I say - secret affair?), but that was hardly the case. I knew I could not ask for anything, it was simply not my place to do so. Not that I was fine with it, far from it, and there had been multiple times when I cried myself to sleep, because I had seen Roger in the media with his beautiful girlfriend. I was jealous, I felt humiliated, and yet, I could not let go of him. He simply was my addiction, and I was not willing to go cold turkey - at least not yet. 

I tried to make peace with my parents as well. At first they didn't want to talk to me at all - I tried calling them a few times, but every time they had heard my voice, the Phone went dead on me. So I decided to write them letters, trying to explain my side of the story - once more - and telling them I was happy, I was working and studying hard, and my hard work had paid off. Of course, I never mentioned Roger to them. Not only had I sworn myself to secrecy the moment I first met him, they would never understand, and - knowing my parents - they would only accuse me of being a home-wrecker, a whore, and what else. So no, I was definitely not going down that path. 

The first few letters all came back saying "return to sender - unknown". I must admit that hurt me a lot. But I kept on trying, and after about 5 letters, I guess curiosity got the best and they weren't sent back. Maybe they threw away all of my letters, until this date I don't know. Maybe it's for the best that I don't.  

Queen had been in the news a lot that year - the release of their album "The Miracle" and the various hit singles made them flavour of the month once again. Not that they had ever left of course, but you could sure see the impact of the very strong album they had delivered. With the release of the album, and the fact that Queen decided not to go on tour, allegedly because they were now considered "too old", the tabloids were all over them. It most certainly had its effect on Roger, who sometimes came over to just complain and rant about everything. 

I never asked questions, and of course I too was curious about all these rumours, but then again, I never did anything to betray Roger's trust in me, and somehow it also felt like I was playing an important role in his life, somehow, somewhat, if that makes sense. I accepted him for who he was, and what he wanted to talk about. I was never prying, but offered him moral support and a safe haven. But it took its toll on our relationship, that's for sure. At that point, I think I started to think this was never going anywhere. After all, our lives  and the way we lived them, were the complete opposite of each other. And there were times I hardly ever saw Roger, nor did I see him. Mind you, we lived in a time where there were no mobile phones, and social media wasn't a thing, so there wasn't a possibility for me to keep in touch with Roger, and this meant I simply had to wait until he would contact me. 

Not only this, but Roger had decided to go on a short tour with his other band called the Cross in May and June 1990. Which, inevitable led to me seeing not a lot of him these months. However, I do remember him calling a few times, and those phone calls were always sweet and genuine. 

I still loved Roger. Oh, how I loved him. And I guess he loved me too. I'm sure of it, even after all these years. Whenever he could, he would call me, if only for a minute. Not once did  I feel rejected, or phased out. But it was like we were both realising this was never going to last. We just didn't want to admit it yet. 

During the summer of 1990, things took a turn. It was a lovely evening and Roger and I were lying on the sofa together. I remember it so well, and when I think about his words, I still feel this mixture of love and sadness;

"Could you do it?" He whispered in my ear. I looked up, confused about what exactly he meant with this. "Could you do it, being with me.... for real?" He smiled as he gently brushed my cheek. "I-I'm sorry Rog, what do you mean... exactly? ...f-for real? I don't get it?" "Like I said baby... I was wondering if you would consider being with me - but for real. No more hiding, no more secrets... I mean really be with me? Is this something you could? Considering that I am in the spotlights - a lot. I was just thinking about this you see..." 

I gasped. He was still gently playing with some strands of hair, with a look in his eyes that was filled with love. I felt so confused, not knowing what to say at the time. "But... you already ARE with someone" I stammered, tears filling my eyes. Was Roger being serious right now? Was he really suggesting we could be in a relationship, but for real this time? Out in the open? No restrictions? How? I mean...HOW? But this wasn't even possible, I mean, he was in a solid relationship with Debbie, and from what I could tell, they were still very much in love with each other. Or were they? 

I think that Roger must have felt my confusion, because he gently kissed my forehead, and he held me tight. "I know this must come as a bit of a surprise. But.... think about it. I love you Anna. Please understand that I do. You don't have to answer me right now, but please tell me that you will give it some thought. And let me know once you have reached your decision" I nodded "I will Rog, I will.... I just need some time to process this, allright?It's all a bit much I must admit. So please give me time." I sighed. "Anytime" I heard him say. 

In the week that followed, I started thinking about what Roger had said to me. Did he really want to be with me? Did he want me to become his girlfriend? But how about his girlfriend? I mean.... they had been together for like... three years or something? That's something, you don't just erase that. How.. when? I never asked any questions about Roger's relationship with his girlfriend. But then again, why was he cheating on her with me, when he was with her? Wasn't he happy with her? Wasn't she enough for him? Or was it something else? Maybe Roger was just the type of man who is easily bored, and just isn't fit for a long-term relationship. From all I've heard, he had cheated on all of his previous girlfriends as well. Would that be my future as well, if I accepted his offer? Would that make ME happy?I wasn't looking for that, to be honest. I know this must sound like I am a hypocrite, but all I knew was that I wasn't going to share my boyfriend with other women. But was Roger capable of this? It was incredibly confusing, and I was torn between what was in my mind, and what my heart felt. There were a lot of things going on inside my head, and to be honest... either way, it wasn't looking good. 

No, I did not want to be a mistress forever. I wanted to be in a steady relationship. With a man I could trust. Maybe I wanted to have children, too. Who knows? But most of all, I wanted a relationship in which I would not have to worry about my boyfriend cheating on me. And knowing Roger's reputation, I wasn't so sure if he was the right one for me. On the other hand, I did love him. A lot. And it's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all. I only wish things weren't so complicated!

These thoughts kept me busy for quite a while. Just when I thought I was going mad, something happened. Something that changed every possible outcome I had thought of. 

Have you ever heard that people say "Everything has a reason?" and "Nothing happens without a reason?" Well, I guess what happened then was my guiding star, my light in the darkest of times. It made my decision so much easier. 

It was a rainy afternoon in July, when I heard a knock on my door. It was Roger. He came inside, and before I could say anything, he spoke:

"I'm going to be a father again".