enhypen imagines

thirty two : lee heeseung

if he was your therapist

*slight mentions of cursing, verbal abuse and self injury.

if you are comfortable reading this, please do so. if not, i totally understand. i recommended light hearted chapters instead such as chapters fifteen and sixteen*

so tell me more about your dad.

what do you want to know?

everything.

i mean i said what i said, that man
is genuinely a piece of shit.

you use dissociative language when you talk about him. is it because you don't see him as a close person in your life?

*sarcastically chuckles* the only part
he played in my life was ruining it.

i want you to know what
he did to you wasn't okay. i want
you to know that all those mind
games and verbal abuse he spat
at you is just as traumatizing as
someone being sexually molested.

*in a softer tone* no one's ever said that.
i spent my entire life trying to tell myself
that maybe i was being over dramatic.
but at a certain age, you grow up
and you can't make excuses for
people anymore, you know.

*nods his head* yes i do know.
and i can see you're incredibly
aware that those toxic tactics
that man did to you and
your mom has nothing to do with you.

see i know that. but the
thing is, seven year old me used
to literally bang my head against
the wall, crying about why can't
he just love me.

and when you banged your head,
what did you feel?

i-i felt nothing. i felt like those burning thoughts that were eating away at
me would stop. that in that moment,
i felt free.

so not only are you analytical, you're also very emotionally powerful. the thing with child abuse or in any form of psychological trauma, there are bounds to be forms of unhealthy behaviors the victims gain. in your case, it was self harming through physicality. it was because you wanted someone to see what he was doing was wrong, to free you. that's why you did that, you wanted so badly for someone to hold your hand and take you away. isn't that right?

*blinking back tears* i never
even thought of it that way. all my life you know, i was just thinking maybe
someday he'll love me. i thought
that was just what every child wanted,
their parent's love.

it's not abnormal for a child to
dislike or feel upset towards a
parent. especially, a narcissistic
one. in your case y/n, you observed
so well who that man was and you
internalized a long time ago
that you didn't want him
to keep treating you like that.
despite, how many times you
convinced yourself that it was
your fault.

so i'm not a crazy freak for dissociating
myself from him since i was five?

*shakes his head* absolutely
not. i'd say that's an incredible
and normal way for a child to react.
you're a very pragmatic person.

so what do i do? i still live with the man.

i want you to picture what it would be like if your five year old self was in front of you. shaking, scared, afraid of what that man would do to her.  what would you tell her?

*closes eyes and uncomfortably shifts*
i-i guess i'd tell her that she was
safe with me now. that he can't
hurt her anymore.

good, you can open your eyes now. it's important that as we grow older, we understand that those who hurt us no longer can. that we can tell our past selves, "hey, i'm here with you now. i'll protect you."

but what can i do since i'm not that old yet? to the point where i can actually liberate myself from him.

even though you are underage,
there are ways for you to free
yourself. at least for now, emotionally.
there are many ways people can heal.
what do you like doing?

i'm not a big fan things that take
a lot of effort like writing. it's not that
i can't, it's just-

are you going to tell me you're not that good? or that you're just not into it?

*looks at him weirdly*
how did you know that?

*softly smiles* y/n, why
don't you tell me why you don't think
you're a good writer?

i mean when i was little, i used
to love it. everyday i'd journal.
i practically brung my favorite copy
of the witches by roald dahl everywhere.

sounds like you had a knack for it.

*cheerfully smiles* i did.
my teachers used to compliment
me all the time.

so why the sudden change?

i mean i don't know.
i wanted to be a lot of things,
but that man didn't -

*looks at you*

*looks at heeseung*
oh my god.

i see we have a lot to unpack.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

(author's note : hiii guys, i have some FREE resources to help those who may have felt triggered by this chapter or just have a difficult relationship with loved ones. first thing, i want to tell you guys is it is NOT your fault that any form of trauma was inflicted on you.)

the apps are listed below :

♡ PTSD coach (android & iphone app for helping people with PTSD)

♡ breathwrk (available for iphone & android, but i believe you have to go to a link to download it on android. before you say NO to this app, just know breathing is a gift. and whenever you're panicking, this app can help you not be so overwhelmed by everything).

♡ SafeUT Crisis Text and Tip Line (this is a FREE app that you can TEXT or CALL actual counselors whenever you want to).