You Came to Me

10. Callisto

Published: July 1st, 2021.

Word Count: 2,784

Madrid. October, 1975.

"Will Luisita ever realize I like her?" I thought as I laid on my bed.

Probably not since I do such a poor job of expressing my attraction to her, but what am I expected to do? Luisita is a person who needs her comfortability, and if I were to tell her my true feelings, I can assume pretty greatly that it would make her uncomfortable.

I told myself that when I would move to Madrid I would make an effort to be more open about my sexuality, but just like my progression with singing and dancing, I have done nothing, except fall for Luisita Gòmez.

My feelings about Luisita were cemented the night we sat together in the park after the party at the radio station. When I think about it, it is quite odd to me how I was instantly emotionally and physically attracted to Luisita. I have never liked a girl in the way I like Luisita, it's like the moment she came into my life, I knew she needed to stay in it.

Even when she was a stranger to me, it seemed like we weren't. By definition we were, but maybe just because you haven't met someone yet doesn't mean you don't know things about them. Luisita told me a lot by just looking at her.

As we spent more time together, I knew she had my heart totally captured.

I see myself in Luisita a lot. The nervous feeling she shows when the discussion about relationships or boyfriends arises is something I felt for a long time, but now it has turned to irritation for me. Or how she avoided the word lesbian like it would kill her when we went out for lunch. She acted like she would get arrested just for being in the premises of someone who said it. I felt a little let down by her response to it, but I guess we feel differently about our sexuality. I want to embrace it, but I think Luisita has a harder time with allowing herself to do that.

Do I think Luisita is a lesbian? Yes, I do.

Why can't I? Why can't I assume she is? Just because society wants to make me to forget that lesbian and gay people exist does not mean I do. I like Luisita, very much, very very much, so obviously I want her to be gay too. And sometimes I really think she could be.

She can be so sincere and gentle with me in a way that I don't think she is with her other friends. When she accompanied me to the Scorpio she read my emotions better than I did. She knows what I need and exactly how to give it.

I feel the barrier she's created to protect herself, I can see how hard it is for her to express herself with me. When she touches me, I can feel her nerves touch my skin. A straight person would not be so nervous to touch someone of the same sex.

There's been so many instances where all I've wanted to do is kiss those pink lips Luisita has. She invokes something deep within, a desire so great I've never felt it before. I just want to be near Luisita at all times. She could be cleaning dirty glasses, or reading her books, or sleeping and I'd still want to just be close to her.

I think the wall she has built is slowly crumbling, but I can't be the one to knock it down. Luisita needs to be the person to do that. Her hesitation prevents her from doing anything more with me, but at the same time, why haven't I done anything? Have I shown her in the best way I can how much I like her?

I was going to tell her I am a lesbian in the bar today, but Maria interrupted before I could say anything. In hindsight, I'm kind of glad she stopped me, I don't think it was the place. I do, however, think Luisita needs confirmation about my sexuality. I feel like she tested me today with "Mujeres Libres", of course I know what it is and what she's trying to use it for.