You Came to Me

14. Elara

Published: July 15th, 2021.

Word Count: 2,902.

Madrid. October, 1975.

It had been a week and a half since the last time I saw Luisita. I still don't understand how that night went from a dream to a painful pinch where I woke up in a reality I did not want to be in so quickly. I've become so dependent on Luisita that I feel like I'm going through withdrawals by not seeing her, the closest I've gotten to her in these days has been listening to her voice on the radio for a few seconds.

I want to be angry at Luisita, I want to blame her for making me feel heartbroken and miserable, but I can't. I can't because I perfectly understand that her fear consumes her and I don't know why I thought my words would've disarmed her. I had this whole situation where I would tell her how I felt about her and she would tell me she felt the same way and then we would live happily ever after, but life is never like it is in the stories.

I've begun to avoid Manolita because every time I see her I inadvertently think of Luisita, however, I don't need a trigger to think of Luisita since I already constantly do. Luisita used to be what I looked forward to everyday, without her I just feel like everyday isn't filled and is left incomplete.

I keep asking myself "How can I feel so heartbroken when Luisita was never mine?", maybe the answer is because you can still love someone completely without the label of something more. I was ready to give my heart to Luisita on a silver platter, I thought all she needed was my encouragement. I never considered the possibility that she would turn my offer down.

This past week, all I've wanted to do was go home back to Zaragoza. I want to be held by arms that love me unconditionally, but instead I am still here alone in this hotel feeling all of this anguish by myself. I told Felix what happened but he could only say so much to make me feel better over the phone.

I find myself unconsciously looking out of my window trying to find a glimpse of Luisita, but I never do. I feel silly for thinking that she might realize her mistake and come to find me to say it all wasn't true, but she hasn't. I know all I would have to hear is a "I was wrong" or "I've changed" from her to feel content again, but I know she will never say it.

I can't keep thinking she will run back to me when I know she won't. I gave her the push I thought she needed and she did nothing with it, so I doubt anything else will bring her to me. I will not run back to her either. She knows where I stand, it is her who needs to change their mindset, not me.

It is Luisita who will be burdened by her thinking for the rest of her life, not me. I know what Luisita feels, I really do. I felt it all myself, but I grew up and realized I shouldn't be thinking in the way I was. I realized that the only way I was ever going to feel better about myself was if I was proactive in trying to change the flaw that was harming me. She needs to truly understand and completely believe that her sexuality is not a bad thing, which sounds easier than it is.

I sometimes think I've caused myself this pain due to my own arrogance. Part of me feels guilty for putting Luisita in a situation where she had to choose an option where both sides had cons, but on the occasion you have to be forced into making the difficult decision you knew you were always going to make. I knew Luisita was never going to make the move to propose something deeper between us, so I ended up relieving both of us by preventing the torture we would've had if more months went by and stronger feelings grew.

Just because Luisita rejected me, does not mean I don't still daydream about us. I don't mean to, the daydreams are always intrusive. I'll be cleaning one of the rooms and an image will pop into my head of what it could've been like for us to be together. She always looks so beautiful and radiant when we're together in my head.