Crushes Fade, Love Stays

Snooping

The days following his visit to Tutor's bar, Zon divided his free time between writing his new novel and watching Saifah's YouTube channel. He wished he didn't have his part time job so he could spend more time writing. Of course he didn't need to spend hours watching Saifah's videos, or he could just listen to them while writing, but he felt they needed his full attention.

Each video, each song was like a sneak peak into Saifah's life over the past year and a half. Zon was surprised how sad and dark some of the songs he sang were getting over time. Most of the earlier uploads were all quite mellow or cheerful. It made Zon wonder if he'd had a hard time living and working up in Chiang Mai all by himself with no family or friends around. One song Saifah sang was so full of heartbreaking emotions of self doubt and worthlessness it actually made Zon cry.

"Was he always like this? Or did he change?" Zon asked himself. The Saifah in his memories had always been confidently smiling, and his personality seemed almost arrogant as if he didn't care what people thought of him. Had it all just been an act? Did something happen to him? Or was he simply reading into Saifah's song choice too deeply? After all, he seemed to switch between song styles every other upload.

Just as he was about to switch to writing, Zon noticed the next three videos had a blank screen. Curiosity lured him to hold off his writing a little longer. Opening the video, he read the apology message in the description box. It seemed Saifah had gotten hurt and couldn't play the guitar so instead he would post music he'd recorded back in university until he recovered.

"He got hurt? How and where? If he couldn't play the guitar... his hand or his arm?" muttered Zon before scrolling down through the comments looking for answers. He was in luck as most of the comments were asking the same questions, and so Saifah had responded to them saying he'd injured his arm at work.

"That's it? No details? What kind of injury?" huffed Zon in frustration. He quickly opened the next upload where Saifah was playing live. He frowned seeing the large bandage covering the length of his forearm busily strumming away. "Why are you playing if it hasn't healed yet?"

After realising blank videos meant something probably happened, Zon quickly scrolled through the remaining upload list. He stopped when he came across another batch of blank boxes.

"And what happened this time?" questioned Zon as he clicked on the video. It was only from last month. For someone who had posted songs at least three times a week for over a year, he found it suspicious to see there was a gap of two weeks between uploads. "Why does he always apologise? It's not like these people are paying him to play," grumbled Zon as he began reading Saifah's message for his viewers.

Zon's chest tightened as he read the words in written beneath the video. Saifah apologised for having to post simple song recordings, but he was currently hospitalised and wasn't allowed to play guitar as it would disturb other patients. But not to worry, he was recovering quickly and would be playing for everyone again soon.

"What the hell? So vague!" snapped Zon. He felt incredibly frustrated not knowing why Saifah had been hospitalised. Yet at the same time he was hitting himself because it was also none of his business. Just because he was crushing on him and wanted to know everything about the past few years, didn't mean Saifah had to openly share such details for him to see.

He read each entry below the following uploads giving minute updates of his recovery. Zon hesitated before opening the first live recording after the hospitalisation period. The upload date was only two weeks ago. Zon bit his lower lip and clicked on the video.

"Wha..." gasped Zon. He couldn't believe how gaunt the young man on the screen looked. Saifah had always been lean, but somehow it seemed he'd halved in size. Watching him smile and say he was fine while thanking people for waiting for him made Zon angry. "How can you say you're fine looking like that? Argh! So annoying!"

He closed the video before Saifah even began playing his song. It was too painful to watch. Just what had happened to him that he'd needed over three weeks to recover and still looked terrible? Zon rubbed his temples. He knew he was over reacting and it was pointless getting angry over something that had already happened, but he couldn't help it. Sitting up straight, he slapped his cheeks.

"Time to focus Zon! Let's write!"

Well, that's what he said. And he really did try to focus on his next chapter, but his thoughts kept drifting towards Saifah. He kept conjuring up images of Saifah from their meeting the other night, and comparing them to the video from two weeks ago in his mind. Now that he thought about it, Saifah had seemed pretty skinny. As he hadn't seen him in in years, Zon hadn't noticed at the time. But after spending the past few days watching old videos of him, he could see the weight loss easily. He wasn't as bad as the last clip he'd watched, but Zon felt Saifah was still looked under weight. Trying to guess what had happened and coming up with all kinds of theories started giving him a headache.

"Forget it!" He said before saving what he'd managed to write and getting up from his chair. "I'll just sleep at a normal time for once."

Just as he turned off the bedside light to go to sleep, his phone lit up and buzzed as a message came through.

Tutor : Hey Zon! What you doing tomorrow evening?

Zon: Working at Japan and Tanthai's cat cafe until 10pm. Why?

Japan: Not anymore. I've changed you to the earlier shift. Be at work for 10am. 😁

Zon: What? Why? You can't just change my shift without warning! 😡

Tutor: Since the bar is closed tomorrow, we decided to have a small get-together with everyone to welcome Saifah back to Bangkok.

Zon: Who said I'd want to go?
(Is what he wrote, but he was getting excited thinking about it.)

Japan: Tanthai wants you there, and so does Junior. So you're going unless you want to find a new job. 😜

Zon: 😡... fine. I'll be at work for 10am.

Putting down his phone, Zon flopped back onto his bed and stared up at the dark with a smile. He thought he wouldn't get to see Saifah again until next week's performance. A social gathering with nosy loudmouths such as Junior and Tanthai would mean he should be able to learn more about what happened to Saifah without personally asking. Plus, it would be nice to see everyone again. Since graduation it seemed everyone was always so busy with work and their relationships.

Zon groaned when he realised the downside of tomorrow's gathering. He'd be constantly reminded he was a loser who didn't have a full time job and was still single. Normally their teasing wouldn't bother him, but tomorrow Saifah would be there. Even if he didn't stand a chance with him anyway, Zon didn't want to be pathetic in his eyes. He lay there weighing the pros and cons of attending the gathering, but in the end realised they would make fun of him whether he was there or not. At least if he was there he could shut them up. Decision made, he turned over and closed his eyes with a smile plastered on his face.