Random Quotes and Poems and Stuff

what i gave up

I couldn't put a date to it

A day of the week even

But I think I remember

It was sudden

Maybe one day over summer

Before I turned 18

That I decided to give up

To stop caring what people thought

To stop living up to impossible expectations

To not be afraid to speak my mind

To stop wishing and loving from afar

It became easier to live then

But I know I gave up a part of myself

With that lonely decision

Sometimes a flicker returns

And I have to push past the tears

And memories of who I was before

And who I should now be

I don't push to connect anymore

I smile and laugh and dress how I want

I speak my mind and don't care about the consequences

I've lost that shy but whole person

I was before I tried to die

Should I try and reclaim myself? 

Or keep existing as a fraction?

I wonder nowadays whether

I'll ever really make a new connection

Swirling happy faces around me

People love one another endlessly

And I feel lost for connections

It's the one thing I didn't give up

That summer before I turned 18

I'm scared to love someone

And be loved in return

Perhaps that's why I fall for 

The unattainable ones

Am I too scared to be loved?

I don't know what I would do

If someone said they like me

Want to know me, be close to me

Would I run and hide away

From that feeling of connection

Or would I stay and inevitably 

Get left behind again and crumble

I think that's why I gave up last time

Because we stopped talking

The first person I ever loved

And I broke apart piece by piece

And it took so long

To put myself back together, after

I've been reading lately

Putting myself in the story

Trying to imagine everything

To have a connection

And I am falling apart all over again

Because it makes me feel loved

But it's empty

It's not me

It's never me

I am the odd one out

And I've tried to not have issues with myself

But I can't deny they're there

The feeling of inadequacy 

Of being out of place

Of never being able to find someone for me

Is it too much to want

Love for myself, just me?

Someone to hold tightly

Against my chest

I don't care who you are, just

Love Me

Please

I gave up on myself so long ago

Please don't give up on me too.