Stay (Tronnor)

I'm sorry

We have now spent a week in Italy, been to Firenze, went for a ton of romantic walks in the streets of Lazise, kissed, a lot, held hands, embraced each other. The days have been absolutely wonderful, opposite the nights. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the sex we had, which was encredible and all over the place. (Something about Italy just made the both of us extremely tense, when we got back to our hotel room). However, what I mean is my dreams, or rather nightmares. Ever since Troye kissed that boy at the party, and I got hit by that car, I have had nightmares. They are mostly about us somehow being separated, not only from breaking up, because the other one is cheating, but with tornadoes, huge nature disasters, car crashes, murders, death and a variety of other, horrible scenarios. I haven't slept well in ages because of it. And every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I am sweaty, my heart is pounding, and I'm out of breath. 

It's horrible, and Troye has held me, cuddled me back to a dreamless sleep more times than I can count. I haven't told Tro, why I'm having these nightmares, but I think he has a clue. The feeling of being able to loose him every second, and not knowing for certain, if he will leave me suddenly, one day, or something will get between us, the fear of it is killing me, slowly. 

The next couple weeks pass by fast, we go to both Rome nd Venize, but even though we have loads of fun, and I try to smile and not think about my dreams, they have become such a huge part of my life, I just can't. I can barely tell if it is dream or reality most of the time, it seems so real.

-

We are finally back home, after a weird mixture of good and bad trip to Italy. Of course, it was extremely romantic, and we had so much fun, experienced so much, saw the most beautiful places and ate the best of the best food. I just can't help but feel like I need a break from him. I am pretty sure, if I could just get away, not think about him for a while, it would be good for me. I have loved being close to him for so long, but I guess I just wasn't ready, you know? He did cheat on me less than a week before we left, and I am still not over it. 

After we have slept for approximately 12 hours, I wake up, feeling well rested for the first time in a month or so. It is 11am, and outside, the sun is shining. It is not warm any longer though, soon it'll be winter. I am sitting on the kitchen counter, as Troye walks in. I am heatening a couple breads in the oven, for breakfast. My face must've looked very serious and dark, when he walked in, cause he immediately goes "Is something wrong?" I take a deep breath, before telling him. Telling him, how I need space. That my mother called, inviting me to come home in the fall holidays, and that I accepted her offer. Even though I thought I needed him to proove his love to me, I guess I was wrong about that. All I need is space. 

As I speak, Troye's eyes fill with tears. I know how much this hurts him, and I hate doing it, but I have to think about myself right now. I need this, if there is even to be the slightest chance of us staying together. I am not breaking up with him, at least not yet. I don't know if I will, when I am in Minnesota. I don't know, if I can be with him if I don't trust him, and no matter how hard I try, how much I want to, I just can't live with the feeling of not being able to trust him fully. 

Troye sighs, his voice is shaking as he speaks. "I am sorry for what happened, Connor, I really am. I know, you have had trouble coping with it, so have I. I was so drunk, I don't remember anything about it, which I'm kind of happy for. I have tried proving to you that I love you, and that you can trust me, I have done everything, I can. But if you won't try to forgive me, it is kind of tough being me, in this situation" I realize, he's right. Deep down, I don't want to forgive him, deep down, I am just a revengeful bitch, wanting him to suffer the way, I suffered. Realizing this scares me, a lot. Of course, my first reaction is getting furious, and telling him to leave, go live at Tyler's again. Because, how dares he blaming me because he cheated on me. Well, sort of cheated.