Not Just Ours But Everyone's

Sera's Story

I grew up always anxious. I didn't speak to anyone outside my family until I was six years old, and then never above a whisper for another two years. Even now as an eighteen year old I still somehow lose the ability to speak when I become afraid. As much as I want to speak, sometimes I just can't. This is drawn from an anxiety disorder that I have lived with for as long as I can remember, though it was only diagnosed five years ago when I was thirteen along with depression. I had panic attacks as a child, but not severe enough for them to be noticed by anyone other than me. Everyone knew I was always a shy, nervous child so no one noticed if I became a little more frightened occasionally. 

This all changed drastically when at the age of sixteen I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. Tourette Syndrome is a neurological disorder caused by misfiring neurons in the brain. It's main symptom include Tics- involuntary movements and vocalizations that are repetitive and frequent and last more than a year. It was something else that I was born with. As a child my symptoms were very mild (practically unnoticeable) consisting of tics that were small coughs, scrunching up my face, and very quickly or forcefully blinking. It was never a problem until my freshman year of high school when my tics evolved into things like squeaking, shouting words, hitting things, popping my shoulder out of place, and randomly standing up or dropping to the floor. This was also the year my panic attacks started to become dangerous.

The added pressure of trying to deal with Tourettes on top of an already difficult mix of Anxiety, OCD, and SPD (sensory processing disorder) caused me to go over the edge. Nearly every day (and sometimes several times a day) I started having panic attacks to the point where I would hyperventilate, my heart rate skyrocketing far above safe levels, and sometimes I would completely lose consciousness, ending up in a psychosomatic seizure. I could not function. I spent more time in the nurses office at my school than in class some days. I never left my house for anything other than school or doctors appointments. This went on for two years. 

Recently I have gotten better. I have less panic attacks, though I still struggle a lot with anxiety and have consistent panic attacks they are not as severe as they were only a year ago. I also now have a service dog who is helping me gain my confidence back for inevitable trips out into the world. Before, going to the market was as daunting as visiting another planet, but with my service dog who I know will keep others from getting too close and causing an attack, and will take care of me and calm me down from an attack if one occurs, it's manageable. 

I wanted to try and describe what a panic attack is like (at least for me) for those readers who have never had a panic attack before. When I go into a panic attack, I am already focused on something to panic about and have lost the ability to rationally think about it in a way in which I could solve whatever problem I am upset about, or it begins with a physical symptom that I will then start to worry about until the previous statement is true. I then become aware of how fast and hard my heart beat is, and start to focus completely in. I obsess single-mindedly on what I am panicking about as I beginning to shake and hyperventilate. If I had not already begun to cry, this is when that would start, not huge heaving sobs, just quiet tears that are an outward expression of the hopelessness I have begun to feel. I now fear more than the original trigger. Irrational, fearful, even paranoid thoughts fill my mind as I begin to feel cold and numb (an effect of the hyperventilation). Until I either calm down or pass out, I continue to shake, cry, and hyperventilate as my cloudy mind trips and rolls over itself with irrational, fearful thoughts bent on making me believe that I am dying. Every time I have a panic attack to this extent I truly believe I might actually be dying this time, which fuels a whole new wave of panic as I realize that I don't actually want to die (after years of self harm and one suicide attempt).

Now, I didn't write this for attention or pity or anything like that, I just want people who have never dealt with mental illness (or Tourettes) to begin to understand what it is that others like me suffer with daily- people that they make fun of. It's not funny. I have very little control over my own body. It's taken me four hours so far of sometimes typing, sometimes voice command speaking the words and deleting the nonsense tics out, just to write this story. I am made fun of daily, and I still consider myself to be weak, but I have grown stronger in the past couple of months that I have had my service dog. I have begun to take back my life, and as much as I want people without a disability (mental or physical) to understand what it is we go through, I want people with anxiety or depression or anything else at all to understand is that you are not now, and never will be alone in your struggles. I want to be an example of someone who succeeded in taking their lives back from mental illness. I'll never be perfect, and I might never get rid of my panic attacks (it's not possible to get rid of Tourettes), but I don't want to realize some day when I'm old that I gave up so early in life, and I hope you (whoever is reading this) will also get the opportunity to rise above what you are struggling with right now. Stay strong  <3

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Thank you @SeraphintheRandom for sharing your story. I am sure it will help someone out there who has felt as you have at one point, and thank you again for spending your time writing this for us. 

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