Never Not [Taekook]

NN 33

Taehyung.

It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders as I left that mansion. Leaning against my car, tears welled up again.

When will it all end? When can I move on? When will I find the strength to accept their happiness, even if it means I'm left behind? When will I be able to say I'm okay, even if they announce their love to the world? Maybe I'll never experience that kind of love again. It's hard to imagine that this is all I'll ever know.

Keeping my feelings hidden, unable to confess how much it hurts to see him with someone else. Perhaps I've reached my breaking point. I refuse to pretend I'm fine, masking my pain behind a facade of happiness. Bogum texted me he was already at the hotel, leaving me with no reason to go to the train station.

I unlocked my car and slipped inside, sliding the key into the ignition before driving aimlessly. Tears streamed down my face as I clutched the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white. Why does it hurt this much? Why am I still crying over him? Didn't I promise myself I'd stop? Then why am I crying again?

"Man up, Tae! You fucking man up!" I shouted, striking the steering wheel with a resounding beep.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled over to the side and switched off the engine, needing a moment to calm my racing thoughts before I caused an accident.

Leaning back against the headrest, I stared blankly ahead, my breaths heavy with frustration and self-loathing, exhaling the turmoil within.

I've had it with all this bullshit. I don't even recognize myself anymore. This level of crying isn't like me. I thought I'd already cried out all my pain.

I harshly wipe away the tears staining my cheeks. "How pathetic can you be?! Why are you still crying over him?! What the hell do you even want?!" I yell into the emptiness, but it's futile. Fresh tears start flowing again.

Leaning my forehead against the steering wheel, I sob uncontrollably. My black slacks are now soaked through with tears. I can't believe I'm crying this much. Saying my slacks are wet with tears doesn't even cover it.

Lost in my tears, a loud marimba ringtone from my phone interrupts me. I pick it up to see Jimin calling. With a deep breath, I clear my throat before answering.

“Hello?”

I could almost give myself an award for not stuttering. Good job for being such a great actor. Tsk.

“Are you already at the station, Tae?”

“Nah, I'm on my way to the hotel. Why?”

“Just asking. I'm worried, you know. I... I overheard Chaeyoung mentioning you were crying. She saw you leaning against your car, tears streaming down your face.”

I cursed myself under my breath and remained silent. I'm still debating whether to confide in him about my current state. Probably not. I know he'll worry excessively. I'm tired of burdening others with my problems, especially when I caused them myself. So, to spare him unnecessary concern, I'll keep it to myself.

“Maybe it's not me. I didn't see her coming out of the gate. And I didn't waste a minute. You know, even if Bogum hurt me, I won't let him shiver in the cold,” I replied, my tone icy.

A heavy silence filled the space between us until I heard him sigh. He's likely forcing himself to accept my excuses. I just hope he buys them.

“Do you still have something to say, Chim?” I prompted when he remained silent.

Another sigh escaped him. “Can I talk to Bogum for a second? There's something I need to tell him.”

How am I supposed to do that when Bogum isn't here?

“Bogum is already sleeping, Chim. When I picked him up, he looked exhausted and was shivering, so I let him take a nap. Would you like to tell me what you want to say so I can pass it on to him once we're at the hotel?”

I could win an Oscar for my lying and acting skills. I know it's terrible, lying to my best friend, but I felt like I had no choice. I left myself with no other option.

Jimin paused for a minute, and I heard him speaking to someone – probably Yoongi-hyung – before I heard some faint movements.

“Tae? Are you okay?”

That voice I heard halted my heart, my breath, my world. How can he evoke such emotions with just his voice? How can he bring me calm and turmoil simultaneously? Life can be so unjust.

“Tae? Are you still there?”

If only I could explain what I'm going through right now, all because of you. Then you wouldn't need to ask if I'm okay. You should know that I'm not.

"Do you want to talk to me? Because I really wanted to talk to you."

If I could only express my love for you without causing any pain or worrying about the consequences, I already have.

"Taehyung, you're making me worried. Where are you?"

If only I could convey to you the depth of your significance to me, how you've brought not only pain but also happiness into my life, how much I longed to shower you with kisses, attention, and cuddles, I already have.

"What the fuck is going on, Tae? Are you still there? I can hear you breathing. What's happening? Tell me... I'm worried."

Would you still share all of that with me if I revealed what's going on right now? Would you still worry if I told you this is all because of you?

"Damn, Tae. Now you're really making me worried. Come on, Prince. Speak up."

Would you still call me 'Prince' if I confessed my love for you, knowing that you're getting married in five months? I doubt it.

I smiled bitterly. Of course, you wouldn't, because that title belongs to Jessie alone.

I guess I'm foolish to think I could ever make you mine. You're getting married; what more evidence do I need to accept that you'll never be mine? This situation is more agonizing than I imagined.

"Taehyung, tell me where you are, and I'm–"

"No need. I'm with Bogum. Bye."

I guess that's my last chance. I hope this will end soon.

I hope.

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Yeah, i told you i'm still not over with this dramas. You won't call this story without drama, ya'know?

I'm really enjoying writing even though im suck at writing english stories. Guess i still need to learn things.

But–im actually planning to upload a Taekook Tagalog ff. After this story, of course.

Anyways, just a daily reminder;
Bangtan loves us! <3