Invisible String (Reid/Alvez)

A Place In This World

Spencer did not know where he belonged. For what seemed like the hundredth time in his life, he felt lost. Going back to the BAU means things would go back to normal, right? Wouldn't his life be like before prison? He couldn't stop thinking about whether or not returning to the BAU was a good decision. 

In prison, all Spencer wanted was to go back to the BAU. It had been his home for the last twelve years. He was heartbroken that he might not get to return. Now, being home, it just felt wrong. He couldn't figure out what exactly felt wrong, he just knew he had a bad feeling.

Spencer had always been the one against members of the team leaving. When Gideon, Elle, Blake, Hotch, and Morgan left, he struggled. How could he go to his team and tell them he was leaving? He didn't want to abandon them, and he didn't want to be a hypocrite. 

Spencer had been seeing a therapist since coming home. He had actually been seeing two therapists. He was required to see a bureau-sanctioned therapist had he wanted to return to work, but he also decided to seek out his own help. He had some issues he couldn't discuss with a bureau therapist. 

"I'm not sure that I want to go back to the FBI." Spencer told his personal therapist.

"And why is that?" Aubrey asked. 

"I don't know, honestly. Every time I think about going back, it feels wrong."

"What feels wrong?"

"I just... it doesn't feel like the place for me anymore."

"If it's not the place for you, then why would you go back?"

"The BAU has been my home for the last twelve years. I became a profiler when I was twenty two. I don't know how to do anything else."

"You do know how to do other things, Spencer."

"Well, technically, yes... but I've never done anything else."

"Change isn't always a bad thing, Spencer."

"It doesn't feel good."

"How can you know if you haven't tried it? Leaving the BAU could be a great thing for you. Especially after everything you've been through recently."

"There are benefits..."

"Tell me about them."

"I could see my mom more."

"That's a good thing, you love your mom."

"Well, we've talked about Luke some..."

"If you left the bureau, you wouldn't have to try so hard to hide your relationship."

"I could do other things, too."

"Like what other things?"

"I could teach. I could do research."

"What kind of research?"

"Anything. I have my PhD's, so I could do research and gets grants for things, stuff like that."

"What would you want to teach?"

"I'm not sure."

"Pick one topic. If you had to teach a class, what would it be? Anything."

"...Statistics, maybe? Or physics, or a profiling class...engineering mathematics? I don't know."

"There's plenty of classes you're qualified to teach. A lot of them are things you like. You told me how much you enjoyed doing seminars."

"I could teach... I don't know. I have to think about this. I don't know."

"What does your therapist with the bureau think of this?" Aubrey smirked a bit.