Hanahaki Strings • seventeen jihancheol

Chapter 56: Of Confusion and Discovery

Joshua

I never felt this embarrassed my whole life.

Not even when my teeth fell off in the middle of our class because I was secretly munching a candy when I was in 3rd grade, or when I stepped on a poop just before I entered the school in 5th grade and everyone who was with me saw it.

That wasn't as embarrassing as what I felt right now.

I hate myself for assuming that thing, and hurt myself because of it. 

I want to get mad at Jeonghan because he was the one who gave me such a decisive hint. I want to get mad at him and blame him for the embarrassment I feel right now. 

But I can't. Because this is my fault. I was the one who assumed. I was the one who thought of that conclusion. I shouldn't have asked it in the first place.

Now where am I? In our room, lying down on my bed to avoid everyone, especially Jeonghan, to cool off my head and my embarrassment. 

I don't want this thing to affect both Jeonghan and I when there's still that barrier that lingered around us even when we already reconciled. We are fine. We conversed and joked around, but it's not the same as before.

And I don't want to ruin it. I'm fine with how we are. It will eventually disappear. I don't want us to be awkward just because of my stupidity. 

I just really wanted to be alone right now. Then I'll act like nothing happened tomorrow.

However, there's still something that's bothering me.

If what I've come up with isn't true, then what did Jeonghan mean when he said I'm dense? If it wasn't true, then what was the hint all about? 

I couldn't think of anything else aside from that embarrassing conclusion I drew. That was the only thing I came up with, but it turned out wrong.

Should I still continue thinking about it? Or should I just stop now?

I want to think of it more, solve that single hint why Jeonghan lashed out at me. I wanted to find out what I'm being oblivious to. But I don't want to assume anything anymore and embarrass myself again.

I guess... I'll just let that go, even if my curiosity is at its peak. I can't handle another embarrassment, and another heartbreak.

It would be a lie if I say I wasn't hurt by Jeonghan's response, because I am.

'Why would I like you?'

That was his line that struck me the most. It felt like I was stabbed a thousand times.

Aren't I likeable? But they all said that I'm a package. I'm not being narcissistic, but I do believe I'm not ugly. I see myself, and I am satisfied with how I look. 

I have proper hygiene. I always take a bath and change my shirt whenever I'm sweating too much. I brush my teeth everyday. I don't smell bad.

I'm also a top student, and I'm always proud of it. I may not be the sporty type, but I still have my fair share of talents that I acquired from my parents. 

I can cook too. I know how to live independently. I'm not violent, nor the controlling type. 

I'm kind of well-off too. Not that it's my money. 

What's there not to like about me?

How can Jeonghan spat those words so easily as if I don't have a single good trait on me?