Shadows and Stars: A Darker Love ✔

Chapter Twenty Six

The moonlight scolded me for my actions the whole Uber ride here; shining down on me like a spotlight in an interrogation room.

Despite the alcohol, I knew walking through this building was wrong. I also knew it was wrong when I edged through the open door when another resident entered the door code. But I couldn't help myself, just like I can't help myself now, as I move closer to Grayson's apartment door, psyching myself up to tap my knuckles against the wood.

"Come on Mia, just do it. Come on."

My whispers seem so loud in such a quiet, still corridor. For a brief minute I wonder if anyone can hear me from the other side of the door. That is, if anyone is on the other side of the door.

The thought of Grayson possible being a mere few feet from me seems insane. Impossible, even. I haven't seen him in what feels like forever, and the idea of him being in this apartment right now is enough to spike the nausea in me to fill blown vomit. What would I say to him? Would I tell him that I spoke to his sister, and convince him that he needs me, just like I need him? Would I force him to quit the lifestyle he seems so content on resuming? Would I have enough power to make him see what possibilities his life holds without all of this?

I don't know. I really, honestly, don't know.

My breath vibrates against the closed door as I lift my head. My heart is performing somersault after somersault and my feet won't move from the spot. I need to do this. I have to do this. If I don't, I'll only regret it later on.

Reaching my arm to the door, my shaking hand makes contact, but barely, and I bring it down again.

This is too much.

But I have to do it.

I have to.

I need to swallow my fears, my wondering, my nerves, and I need to get this over and done with.

I lift my shaking hand once more, ignoring the roar inside of me that's telling me to abandon this mission and head on home. Closing my eyes, I knock my knuckles against the wood, and suck in a sharp breath as I await a response.

My already hot skin is brimming with sweat, and my stomach seems to be resembling a butterfly sanctuary. But when my knock is only followed with silence, I open my eyes and stare blankly at the wooden pattern in front of me.

He's not here. Nobody is.

Unwelcome tears fill my eyes; I so wanted my last option of desperation to be a success. But I failed. I failed and I'm out of options. Grayson doesn't want to see me; he doesn't want to be found. The sad part is I thought after all this fighting, after all this determination, I'd find him, and we'd reunite like that of an epic love story. But I have to remind myself that our story has never been like an epic love story you'd read in a book, and it's only ever ended in tears. Like me right now.

Snuffling, and welcoming the failure into my body, I amble back down the quiet corridor, into an empty lift and back out into the cold of the night. In many ways I'm thankful that the alcohol has mostly left my body, but when the unforgiving air attacks my skin, in some ways I wish I were still drunk.

I take out my phone, sighing at the thirty-or-so messages and missed calls from Hailey. She won't be home yet, so she won't know I'm not there, but she'll probably be wondering why the hell I up and left alone. Truthfully, I now don't know either; this night has been nothing but a failure.

Sighing, I saunter back to the pathway and contemplate my next move. Admittedly, I need to go home.

I take out my phone, order an Uber and wait patiently—yet frustrated—at the end of the street. I feel like pretty much all my time and energy this past month has gone on searching for Grayson, and after all of it he's nowhere to be seen—he doesn't want to be found. I just wish he'd know how much effort I've made for him, from approaching his 'friends' at the tube station to meeting his sister for a coffee. I wish he knew how much he meant to me, and how things could be so much different if his effort mirrored mine.

Equally I can't help but wonder if he's with someone new. It's always been in the back of my mind, but on some level I never wanted to admit it to myself as a possibility. It's true though; Grayson is gorgeous, charming, caring and, well, he's perfect, despite his 'life', so there's no reason why he couldn't find someone else. If anything he probably has girls lining up at the door for him.

I want to know about his past relationships. He never told me, but I want to know. And if he did have any past lovers, I want to know if they knew about all of this or not.

Thinking about all of this clouds my brain, and I'm thankful when the bright lights of the Uber come into view from the end of the dark street. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I was stood in an unlit street, completely vulnerable, until now.

"Where we off to tonight?" The driver asks when I step in, his smile brightening this dark night.

I look out the window, Grayson's apartment building is smaller now, but still in sight. I so badly wanted him to be there, no matter how petrified it made me when I stood on the other side of his door. I wanted something to come of my efforts—albeit stupid efforts.

I sigh, frustrated that my next stop is home. Maybe this is where I should give in; tell Chloe that I failed and that her brother has made his decision. Maybe this is for the best.

"Miss?"

I tear my eyes away from the window, remembering where the hell I am, and look at the confused Uber driver in front of me.

"S—sorry," I squeak.

Small, light raindrops have started to decorate the windows. Almost crazily, I decide my night isn't over just yet; I'm not out of options just yet.

     "Miss, if you're not going anywhere then you'll need to leave this car."

I nod, my heart transitioning from a light jog to a full on sprint.

     "Sorry," I say again.

     "So where to?" The driver presses.

I swallow, fiddling my clammy fingers in between one another, before ignoring the voices in my head that tell me I'm being way too stupid right now.

     "Jack's Cellar."

The words fall from my tongue too easily, and when the driver nods and hits the accelerator, I briefly close my eyes at the apprehension of what's coming next.