Shadows and Stars: A Darker Love ✔

Chapter Thirty Six

Rubbing my hand below my eye, I sigh when black streaks of mascara transfer onto my hand.

Why am I even crying? I didn't want to fall out with Anderson, no, and I don't like the fact my brother is constantly keeping trackers on me, but I don't think they're the reason that I'm so upset.

It sounds stupid—crazy, even—but I don't want to let this year go, and maybe that's why I'm so upset.

I don't want to leave Grayson behind, no matter how hard I've tried to shake him off; no matter how many times people around me have told me that it's over and that I need to get a grip on myself and move on. That damn man won't leave my heart, no matter how many times I keep going back and forth with my emotions.

Why is it fair that I can't see in the New Year with someone I love? Anderson won't dance with me, so it's clear he's out of the question, and I won't be third-wheeling Hailey and Lucas. Yes, I love Anderson, but not in the way he wants me to.

But I can't stand in that room, watching each and every individual engaging in affection when I'm stood alone, longing to be in someone's arms again.

In his arms.

I saunter towards a small, quiet alcove near the bridge, leaning my fatigued body against the ledge. I know it's time to move on for good—now is a better time than ever—I just need a moment to let that sink in.

I swipe my phone from my small bag, sending my Dad a quick 'Happy New Year' text in readiness. When I slot it back inside, my breath is sucked from me at the sight of a small plastic bag buried at the bottom.

It's filled with tiny, pink pills.

It's the bag that Brody gave me.

Shit! How could I forget it was in there? How have I been parading around with this in my bag all night? Fuck.

I pull out the tiny, see-through bag, moving the pills between my fingers.

Brody told me they wouldn't do me any harm; that they would give me the rush I need. Grayson, on the other hand, said that there was a chance it could make me very ill.

My eyebrows knit; Grayson hasn't been in my life for a while now, so why should I care what he said? I need a buzz right now more than ever, so what harm can one tiny pill do? It only has to be one. I don't have to take them all.

I shuffle the bag between my hands some more, the rise and fall of my chest growing with each second that passes in the run up to midnight. In front of me, the water of the Thames is almost motionless, decorated with hundreds and thousands beams of light; every colour you could imagine.

I squeeze my eyes together, forcing the tears that pool in the corner of my eyes to drench my cheeks.

One minute I feel everything, the next I feel nothing. I want to erase this pain; I want to fix my heart and start again. I hate feeling like this. I can't cope with the constant heartache. I just want it to all go away. Once and for all.

Snuffling, I look back down to the pills, sucking in a breath. They're tiny; so tiny that I don't understand how they could have such an affect on me.

It's just one pill, it doesn't have to be all of them. Just one.

My hands shake as I pop open the tiny bag, watching the pills like they're something strange out of a movie. If someone caught me now, I'd be taken away, questioned in a police station. I'd be dropped from everything I've worked so hard to achieve in my life.

But for some reason it's not enough to stop me taking one the pink pills between my fingers, moving it back and forth with only the sound of the gentle moving waters filling the background.

Everyone around me is partying, but my brain decides to ignore that fact, deciding that, right now, it's just me, myself and I.

I stare at the damned pill, my stomach rested against the ledge. My throat quivers, my insides crashing with an ache I can't seem to dim.

Trembling, I lift the pill to my mouth, my heart spiking. If this is what it will take to cure me of my misery—even just temporarily—then I won't turn it down.

In the background, the Big Ben starts its countdown.

Ten seconds until the new year.

And I start my countdown too; ten seconds until this pill will be shoved into the back of my throat.

I'm not backing down.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...

Explosions around me erupt, bursts of light coming from every direction and cheers of people filling the city. Everyone is happy; everyone is sharing this moment with someone they love.

Meanwhile, I can barely see anything beyond the tears in my eyes, no desire to celebrate anything.

This is it. I'm doing it. Now.

True to my word, I lift my heavy hand without a second thought, closing my eyes and pressing the pink pill to my lips.

I'm ready to fall into an oblivion.

     "DON'T DO IT MIA!"

My body jolts. The pill falls from my tear-stained lips, bouncing off the ledge and swallowed by the Thames below me.

My body freezes, my heart in my throat.

I can't turn. My body won't move. I need to turn. But I can't.

I thought my tears were bad before, but that was nothing in comparison to now; my eyes mirroring the giant river that I find myself staring out to.

I can't breathe. My heart won't cooperate. My brain can't comprehend this situation.

Eventually, with struggle, I force my stunned head to turn, my body falling to the floor in a fractured mess.

It's him. It's really him.

If I hadn't blinked repeatedly over and over, wiping the pools of tears from my eyes with my shaking hands, then I wouldn't have believed it myself.

But it's him.

It's Grayson.