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hyperfixations and why mine r ugrrrhg

(copy n pasted from my priv twt)

ok oh boy here we go. I have adhd and that means intense hyperfixations and ngl mine kinda suck!

The way my hyperfixations work is that I consume any and all content related to the thing I'm fixated on at a speed of 80mph and then regurgitate it all into conversation and media analysis and art/writing. But in the case of something like fma, a series which has ended a decade ago, there is very little new content being made (relative to an ongoing series) and so, after I've consumed most content related to it, I'm stuck in a stagnation of waiting for new content over longer periods of time that (due to lack of immediate stimuli) makes me feel like I'm pacing around a cage like a zoo animal.

Youre probably thinking "fma is so popular, you can't possibly run out of content that quickly." Which, you would be correct, I obviously haven't read every fma fic in existence. But, for the things that interest me the most (crossovers and Royai) I have. In the height of my hyperfixation I read nearly every fic in the royai tag on ao3, which is like 165 tabs worth of fic. And I've read every crossover that's interested me. (To clarify I didn't read these all at once, I've been in the fandom since June so it's over a period of a couple months) so I just sit here cycling through to find something new to keep me occupied.

This kinda makes it sound like hyperfixations are a hellish thing and at times they can be (if I talk too much about them irl it annoys people, it's a distraction irl, I lose sleep if i get too hyperactive thinking ab it, etc.) but it's honestly not entirely bad. It lets me make content im super passionate about (getting it finished is another thing entirely bc adhd go brrrrr) and is a source of instant joy for me whenever I interact with whatever the thing is.

It's just that certain aspects of it can be frustrating, namely how quickly I burn through content. It feels like I'm not savoring it or whatever idk how to explain it. There's also the situation where after a hyperfixation leaves me sometimes I drop it entirely and never look back which. Scares me. I don't like it when it happens and I don't like totally ignoring everything I've loved before so I always try and hold on to fixations as long as possible. Because once I get a new one it is physically impossible for me to go back to the same passion I had before and it SUCKS.

Also I don't talk in depth ab it like this to ppl who aren't neurodivergent bc of the rift in understanding (when I tried to explain it to my mom she just told me to "stop watching what you hyperfixate on then" when that's. Not how it works. And I have fixated on shows I've never watched before (*stares at naruto lol*)) and also because the explanation makes it seem .. obsessive.. instead of what it actually is which. Embarasses me.

Kinda gamble posting this here idk this will likely be going to the void bc I don't think ppl will read this lol. I fucking hate adhd tho real talk it's the worst shit