Things I Think About

Anger

People say you need to forgive people for yourself. That you can't be angry with them for ever. That you'll feel better if you forgive them. But that's not always true.

I forgave everyone, every time, for everything. Because when you don't believe you're worth common decency you'll forgive everyone for their transgressions. When you don't think you matter, everything done to you is forgivable and understandable.

I have fought for my anger. I have worked hard to love myself enough to be angry at the people who hurt me. I wouldn't stand for people to abuse the people I loved, so I made myself one of those people.

Yes I still get frustrated with myself, yes I still wake up and hate myself. But I have clawed my way to loving myself enough to be angry at the abuse.

The first step was holding myself to the standards I hold others. I would never tell my husband he's a burden for being anxious, so why do I say I am? I would never tell my mother she's lazy for being depressed, so why do I call myself lazy? I would never tell my best friend he's awful for canceling plans when he doesn't have the energy to go out, so why do I think I'm so awful?

If other people are allowed to do and be these things why do I think I shouldn't be? Looking at my reflection, like they're not me but someone I love instead has worked wonders.

I'm no longer worthless, they're just having a hard day and don't have the energy. I'm no longer lazy, they're depressed and even waking up was hard for them. I'm no longer a burden, they're just needing more support right now and that's okay.

I don't have to recognize them as myself, but I need to treat them with the same kindness I give others. And when people hurt them I need to love them like I do others, I need to be angry. Because even if it's hard to say I am them and they are me, they still deserve basic human decency.

I am angry, because I deserve better, even when I think I don't, even when I can only think of me as them.