Are you here?|Zauren

AYH?-8

"Wow.." Harry gasped. "Zayn's actually here.." his voice caught in his throat and he couldn't stop smiling. "We're sorry," Camila rushed over to me and wrapped her arms around me in the tightest hug I'd recieved from her. "We really should've believed you. I shouldn't doubt you. Best friends shouldn't do that. You just have to put yourself in my shoes. If Harry had god forbid passed away and I could see him and talk to him you'd think a few screws were loose in my head as well... not saying that screws are-" Camila looked at me and then sighed. "I'm just going to shut up now. I feel like I'm just digging myself into a hole and it's unintentional."

Things got silent as the couple tried to fully grasp the situation at hand. "So, you're like a ghost whisperer?" Camila asked. I hate the word ghost, because that's exactly what Zayn is. "I wouldn't say that. I can only see him. It's not like I walk outside and see wondering souls all over."

"Zayn-" Harry said trying to gather himself. "Wow..." Harry threw his arms up, his eyes were tearing up. I glanced over at Zayn and saw that he was down in the dumps too, but he had a small smile on his face. "I don't even know what to say to you. I wish you were still with us, mate. It's weird hanging out with all the guys and trying to act like things are normal. We know there's somebody missing. We know that there is a massive gap in our friendship and despite trying to play it cool.. We miss you. We try to be strong.. fuck- do we try," Harry did a sad laugh and the tears were streaming down. Camila kissed him on the cheek and was rubbing his back. "I never even got to say all I could say at your funeral.. I don't even think I said anything.. that day was a blur much like all my days have been lately. We're all been trying to pull it together for you. We know you would not want to see any of us like this. Lauren here is a truly strong girl. You really found yourself a keeper." I smiled and Zayn placed his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him and smiled getting teary eyed myself. "I couldn't even imagine how hard it must be for her to see you and know there isn't some way to resurrect you or anything mad like that... I just--"

Harry broke down after that and Camila held him. Zayn walked over to him and sat beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "He's next to you, Harry," I informed him. Harry looked up and to his side. "He's got you." I smiled at the sentimental moment. Harry was looking beside him aimlessly and it hurt so much that he couldn't see Zayn or feel his comforting touch despite how cold. I let out a breath and headed out onto the balcony.

I wasn't sure how long I was out there but I was soon joined by Zayn. When his hand touched my shoulder, I shivered and turned around. I looked past him and saw Harry and Camila sitting on the couch talking with one another.

"How are they?" I asked. Zayn gave me a sad smile.
"They can obviously be better, especially Harry. I wish I was actually here," he sighed. I frowned and leaned up against the railing.

"I feel like shit," I said without hesitation. Tears were starting to form in my eyes. "Why? What's wrong?" Zayn asked, concerned.
"Everyone wants to see you and only I can. Imagine the weight that would be lifted off of everyones shoulders just by being able to see you, even if it's just one last time. Can you imagine how happy they'd be? You saw how happy Harry was and all you did was knock over a cup.. There has got to be some loophole so that everyone can see you." I was pacing around the small balcony thinking to myself. I could feel Zayn's eyes following me as I paced around.

"I don't think there is a loophole, Lauren. This is how it is," he said. I sighed and sat on the chair. Zayn held my hands and kissed my forehead.

"Do you feel it?" I asked. Zayn furrowed his eyebrows.
"Feel what? I can't feel anything physically." I made a face at him and shook my head.
"No, do you feel like you're any closer to figuring out what's still keeping you here?" Zayn looked around and then shrugged.
"I'm assuming it's you. You're the only one that sees me. It must have something to do with you."
"And I don't know what that is, and I don't want to figure it out. I don't know what I'll do if I have to have a repeat of you leaving me again."

I shook my head trying to rid the thoughts that were starting to fill my mind but the memories just started to take over. Watching the news. Running to the hospital. Figuring out that Zayn didn't make it. The funeral. The sleepless, tear-filled nights. I couldn't have a repeat of that. "I can't deal with that again, Zayn. I'll go absolutely insane. I can't.." I started to break down in tears and Zayn kneeled down in front of me, squeezing my hands and giving me gentle kisses on my forehead and my palms.

"I don't know what is still keeping me here either, but I'm here. I wish I was still alive so that everyone can still see me. I wish the guy driving that white truck was never drunk and never made the decision to drive. I wish so much was different from that evening, but there is nothing we can change about that. I know you hate that. I know you wish there was something you could have done-" I cut him off with my sobs.

"This is all my fault," I layed my head in my hands as they began to fill with tears. "I shouldn't have made the stupid suggestion for ice-cream and we never would have had that stupid bet."

"Lauren, hey, hey, hey. Look at me," Zayn lifted my chin up to look at him. "None of this is your fault. This was that mans fault."

"I want him to feel the pain that everyone else is feeling. I can't even begin to imagine how the family of that mother and daughter are feeling..." I shook my head wiping away the now angry tears. "I want something to be done about this," I said.

"Something like what, Lauren? He's already no doubt going to do jail time."

"That's not enough. Being in prison is not enough to me." I had vengeance in my eyes.

"So what are you gonna do? Hurt him? You couldn't even hurt a fly."

"You never know what you're capable of when you're hurting."

"Alright, Lauren. Now you're just talking crazy. You just need to calm down."

"Calm down?! Are you seriously not pissed that he murdered you? Are you not pissed that he's the reason people now think I'm insane, and that everyones crying themselves to sleep wishing you were still here? You know what.. I'm just going to take a nap." I walked past Zayn and back into the apartment.

Camila and Harry were sitting there with concerned looks on their faces. I faked a smile and walked into my room, shutting the door. A few moments later there was a gentle knock, and before permission was granted, Camila walked in. "Everything okay? I heard you out on the balcony talking to Zayn I'm assuming." I looked up at Camila and gave her an empty smile, playing with the t-shirt that was Zayn's. The shirt lost the original scent that was on it, but I've been spraying it with his cologne. I can't even explain how tightly I grasped to that shirt the night I found out about Zayn. "I am really sad still.. obviously. I'm frustrated. I want him back. I thought being able to see him and talk to him that it'd make things feel a little more normal but it's so abnormal." Camila frowned and sat beside me, rubbing my arm. "Is he here?"

"No." I said wiping at my wet eyes.

"Zayn?" It was Harry's voice from the living room. "Are you here?" he asked. "I hope you are. I'm kind of jealous of Lauren that she can hear you and see you. I'm sure we all wish that we could do so. You know, the other day I was cleaning out my car and I found your jumpers in my car and I started laughing thinking about how pissed you were that you had to come and pick me up in the middle of nowhere to jump my car." Harry sniffled.

I looked at Camila who was comforting me, but staring out the door with a solem expression. "No one deserves this kind of pain. You didn't deserve to lose your life that day. That mother and her two year old daughter didn't deserve this either. I don't exactly know where you are, but I know you're here. I know you're somewhere, and I miss you, mate."

"I want everyone to see him," I said to Camila. "It's not fair."