About Time

Chapter 5

March 2014

March has arrived. The last stretch of my batchmates' college run. Our thesis is finally 80% finished. All that's left are the tests to be conducted, paperwork, and the schedule for our final defense. In line with that, I've ended my ego trip with Joyce and started focusing on my priorities. Since there are no more upcoming distractions, it seemed to be the perfect time to truly focus on one goal.

Since that message I received, I had been more restless than ever. I kept on pondering what she wanted to talk about. On the bright side, however, it gave me a chance to see her again. But my intuition was picking up something. I received a sense of dread that was sickening to the stomach; the same sense I had right before I found out that Marge had a boyfriend.

I ignored it. I thought that maybe, just maybe, things will be better this time around. I clung on the expectation that things will get better, but I didn't do anything to make it better. I just kept on expecting and expecting and expecting. Maybe that's why intuition was acting up again, and for the third time, I ignored it.

I ignored it the first time back when I had the feeling that my ex-girlfriend might be cheating on me. I found out afterwards that she had been hanging out with some other guy without my knowledge and all her excuses that time were about having a group study.

I also found out that she would rather trust some other guy to talk to with her problems in life, rather than talking with me, her boyfriend at that time. It was painful, but I disregarded my intuition anyway, thinking that it might have been just a fluke.

Little did I know that almost half a year later, I would receive that same feeling of dread. It was around during the time when I hung out with Marge again. I was just looking around Facebook when suddenly, I felt like puking.

Something was stirring at the pit of my stomach but I didn't know why. Days passed until Marge and I were hanging out again. Then it hit me, my mind suddenly flashed that she has a boyfriend already. It didn't make sense at all, but it was only for a brief moment. I discarded my senses like I did a few months back.

Flash forward to September 2013, I found out that she was in a relationship. That same feeling of dread came back to me. I clung on to expectation again. I was blinded by false hope yet again. What I don't understand, however, was why my intuition was acting up now. I mean, I already knew Marge had a boyfriend, what else could be giving the same feeling of dread that happened three times over the last year alone?

One thing was for sure, I didn't want to prolong my agony. I discarded what I felt about meeting with her and not care if it was still false hope or something else for that matter. I decided to contact Marge.

"Marge, can we meet this weekend? About that talk you wanted to have."

"But what about your thesis, Ralph? Shouldn't you be focusing on that first?"

"It's alright, it can wait. So, you free this weekend?", of course I already requested my groupmates beforehand that we should talk the weekend off since I really wanted to talk with Marge that weekend. I got nervous thinking about what she has to say, but it had to be done.

"Sure, come pick me up in the afternoon this Saturday, okay?"

After almost two months, I would meet Marge again. Two months seemed like an eternity, but I was still happy that I get to see her again. Her sweet laugh, her smile, the way she reacts when I tease her, I get to see it all again.

Maybe for the last time.

It was a typical Saturday on the month of March. Summer was looming and there were no rain clouds on sight. Somehow it was bittersweet looking at the clear, blue sky. I didn't understand why such a magnificent sight would make me smile and sad at the same time. I took a shower, got dressed up, and prepared my scooter. My mom was asking where I was going.

"Ma, I'm going out for a while, got some things to do."

"Okay, are your friends coming over for your thesis?"

"No, they'll come back tomorrow though."

"Okay, take care."

"Thanks mom."

I revved my scooter and went on my way towards her house. It was a 15 minute ride but I didn't want to rush going to Marge's place. There wasn't any vehicles on the highway since it was a Saturday, but I still didn't overspeed. It was the longest 15 minute ride ever. I had a lot on my mind and I was spacing out during the whole ride. Thankfully, I got to her place safely.

I texted her that I was outside her gates.

"Good afternoon, Marge.", I greeted her as she closed the gates and rode on to my scooter. She looked beautiful as always with her soft smile, but there was something else that showed on her face. She looked weary and nervous. I thought to myself that she might've been feeling awkward about all this being with me. I wonder what she told her boyfriend about our little meeting and also wondered if she told him at all.

"Good afternoon, Ralph.", she adjusted the way she sat on the scooter as I revved it up. I then asked where she wanted us to talk.

"Anywhere is nice, Ralph.", as she said that, I thought of a place where it was quiet and just fitted the atmosphere. There was only one place where I can do that.

"How about we go to the shrine, Marge? It's peaceful and quiet there."

"Alright, Ralph. Sounds good."

It was a 5 minute ride on city speed limits. During the duration of the ride, there was little to no talk. It was awkward and silent. I did expect this though. Was there anything else to talk about aside from what we are supposed to talk about?

Maybe we were just saving the words we wanted to say. We arrived safely and as we got out of the scooter, we went towards the shrine, which was old Spanish barracks which was renovated to have a solemn atmosphere. There were also benches nearby, so we decided to sit there.

Before any words were said, memories of her flashed through my mind. I will never forget the day we talked after how many years of being awkward with each other. The dress she wore that day, the food she ordered, the sweet look in her eyes coupled with her soft smile. In was in that moment the I realized that I still had feelings for her but I managed to have supressed it for almost 4 years.

I will never forget the day where we had a little date with eating ice cream and riding around the city on my scooter; the conversations we had that slowly tore down the wall we both created over the last few years. I'll never forget the moment she smiled when I handed her a teddy bear and named it Sophie, the look she had on her face when she was surprised to find a pair of earrings when I gave her her favorite chocolate. I'll never forget them all.

I never regretted them all. Even if during those times I didn't know she had a boyfriend, I knew that the look she had on her face was genuine happiness. Even after finding out, I still didn't regret my actions. I was guilty, but I didn't regret making her happy, even if it was for a short while.

The only thing I regretted though, was the way how I reacted. It was uncalled for that I went on a drinking spree after finding out. It was stupid of me to drive recklessly even though I knew I was drunk. I regretted using other people to feed my own ego.

Why I was thinking all this?

Well, maybe because one day I'm going to see her holding hands with someone else. She won't even notice me because she's too busy laughing at stupid jokes someone else makes. And surely, it will burn my heart seeing the beautiful smile on her face and realize that I'm not the reason for it anymore.

This might truly be the last time we would ever meet. That feeling loomed over me ever since she told me she wanted to have a talk with me. I denied it the days prior and thought it might be something else, but it was clear what was coming. All that's left is for her to say it and it would be the final nail on the coffin.

"Ralph, I..."