About Time

Chapter 6

March 2014

Honestly though, I was not in shape for a talk. My skin looked pasty, I had deep eyebags, I was still sleepy and I was physically and mentally drained. Still, I wanted this talk with her. I might not get another chance afterwards if I let it wait too long.

As she was about to speak, I didn't want to look. I didn't know how. It felt awkward. As we sat on the bench, I kept my gaze forward. With sweat starting to roll down my forehead, and my stomach churning in nervousness, she bagan to speak.

"Ralph, I...", I noticed she was stammering a bit. Does she even want to do this? Maybe I asked her too early for a talk. I couldn't help but look at her. She was also looking forward, avoiding my gaze. She began to breathe deeply and began to speak again.

"How many people have you told?", I was taken aback by what she said. Is that what she wanted to talk to me about? I was so distraught by the question she asked that I made her repeat it.

"I-I'm sorry, pardon me? What was it you asked Marge?", this time while waiting for her reply, I took the time to organize my thoughts and think of something to say.

"What I mean is, Ralph, how many people have you told about us?", I was surprised than ever. I only talked to Kirk, and two people, including Justine.

"Uhhh, only less than three people, Marge. W-why do you ask?", I didn't really know what else to say.

"You know, it really hurts me that you went talking to other people, Ralph.", I was utterly speechless. Now my organized thoughts were in disarray again. My mind was shouting how stupid I was, but my was still shut. There was only one thing to say at this point.

"I-I'm sorry, Marge. I'm sorry if I went to talk to a few people. I didn't expect they would spread it. I trusted those people.", I looked downwards pondering on the things I did wrong. I regretted talking to other people. I knew I should've just kept it to myself.

"It's okay. It's gonna be fine, Ralph. Don't worry.", I sensed sadness in her voice. I didn't know how to make it up to her.

Silence fell upon our lonely bench. Wind blew on the trees in front of us. I stared at the blue sky briefly. I was thinking whether I should speak, or let her speak first. I got no excuses to say. It was my fault anyway, so I don't have the right to talk first. A few minutes gone by and I noticed she sighed deeply again.

"Since when, Ralph?", I looked at her with a surprised look, I understood what she was asking and before she could repeat her question, I began to speak.

"Oh, you mean, when? My feelings for you?", I looked at her again for her reply and she nodded. I began to look at the clear blue sky before I started to tell her everything.

"Well, for starters, I think my feelings of love for you returned last August. Back when we were hanging out just the two of us.", I paused and smiled at the memory.

"Why, Ralph? I thought you still had another girl.", as she said those words, I began nodding sideways disagreeing with what she was saying.

"No Marge. Before we even started to hang out, I already closed that chapter of my life. That relationship was already over before we broke up.", and as I said that, she only fell silent and I continued telling her.

"I realized over the past few months that after all this time, even after more than 4 year have passed, I still carried feelings for you. I managed to suppress all of it because we didn't have that much communication. Ever since I saw you again two years ago during that youth meeting, I felt guilty. Guilty that I still retained a spark of my feelings for you even though I had a girlfriend during that time.", as I let all of the words I wanted to say, I felt light, like something in me was lifted.

I guess it too much for her to take in, I realized that this might turn to another awkward silence again, so I finally began to ask something I've been wanting to know for quite some time.

"So, uh, Marge...where have you met this guy?", I finally asked it. I must be such a masochist to ask such a thing, but I wanted to know, maybe I needed to know. I needed to know if this guy does make her happy. I needed to hear it from her personally, however indirect it may be, that she doesn't want to be hanging out with me anymore.

She began to look up to the sky and began to smile, it was her signature smile, but it was different. He was the reason for that smile. It was a smile from her that I have seen before, but it was also something I have never seen before. It was different. From just a simple smile, it made me realize that it wasn't because of me. Maybe I expected different, but this has been the warning my intuition was telling me about. It isn't about me, it never was, and it might never will be.

"Well, we met online...", at that point, as she continued talking about him, I began to drift away. Every word I heard from her struck my chest like tiny little daggers. It was painful but at the same time enlightening. She finally found a guy who understands her, loves her and knows her more than I ever did.

"He's a very lucky guy, Marge. I'm a bit sad that it isn't me, but I'm very happy that you found somebody who truly loves you.", at that point, there wasn't anything else left to say. She chose him and I heard it from her directly that she has feelings for him, not me.

After all the talk, there was silence. I guess it's over now. All the things that were needed to be said were already said. I didn't know what to feel at that point. I felt like going home and sleep. I can't let her know I was forlorn, so I tried to lighten up the mood.

"Marge, why don't you hug me to make me feel better?", It was a ridiculous request but I couldn't think of anything else during that point. Of course, I expected her to refuse...and she did.

"Huh? Why? No...I'm embarrassed.", she was trembling, maybe from nervousness or shock due to my request.

"Oh, c'mon. For the six years we've known each other, we never hugged once, Marge.", I pleaded but she was still silent about it, so one crazy thing after another, I decided that I would hug her instead. I began to place my arm over her and see if she would react.

"If you won't hug me, Marge, then I'll hug you instead. How about it?", a request to which she nodded.

"You sure? Can I hug you now?", I asked again.

"Sure.", was all she said.

I hugged her from the side and leaned my head over her shoulders. I took it a step further and grabbed her hand. I really don't know what came over me but I felt like I had nothing left to lose.

"Your hands are still soft, I see. Soft like the first time I held them years ago.", after what I said, she didn't say anything.

The whole ordeal went on for an hour at best, I didn't care about the time. I wanted it last but I knew I couldn't. This would be the first and last time I would ever hug her, and the last time I would hold of her hand. I even went far as to thinking about kissing her, but I scratched the idea. It would be even more awkward that it already is.

After all that, I requested her one last time to hug, even if it was for only 5 seconds. Five seconds was all I wanted from her. Eventually, she gave in, but it didn't last five seconds, but I understand. I might've pushed too far a bit on my requests. We then decided to call it a day. We got up and went on our way back to my scooter. As I drove away from the shrine, she requested to have us have a joyride for a bit. I was surprised by her request, but I obliged.

During the ride, she said something that caught me by surprise yet again...

"Ralph, will you be my shield?", I didn't know what she meant but I wanted to give a witty reply.

"Shield? But you're not holding on to me tight enough, Marge.", I said that to invoke a response but she went silent. It was a deep orange sunset that greeted us on our way home.

A fitting but bittersweet end.