About Time

Chapter 11

July 2014

One month in review and I already felt unmotivated. The sense of urgency that overwhelmed me the first 2 weeks have gone kaput. I wasn't going anywhere with my studies. It was just another typical night skimming through my notes, that I felt bored. I decided to go outside and light a cigarette.

I sat down one of the benches outside the convenience store. I lit up the cigarette and pressed my lips onto it, gave it a deep breath and puffed the smoke. I looked up and asked myself, "Since when has it become like this."

I remembered what happened again last March. The weather, the way I sat, the way she sat, the way my words came out...

"Did it really happen that way?"

"Did I say what was needed to be said?"

And most importantly, "Did she say what she really wanted to say?"

I guess, I may never know. I was never really good at reading people or that I focus on one conclusion that I fail to see any other possibility; or that I did notice that something was wrong but I didn't want to force her into saying something she didn't want to say.

Was I a coward for choosing to stay safe like all those years ago?

I only managed to say "I love you" to her once and since then those words always wanted to come out, just waiting for the right moment. Since then, I was haunted by my own cowardice; my selfishness, my wanting to keep myself safe.

I did say it to her again, unfortunately, it was at the wrong moment.

I knew what I said...I did want her to be happy...I told her that, but...I also wanted to be the reason behind that happiness...

I wanted an alternate ending to that talk that day. I wanted her to be with me.

"I'm the right guy for you. Will you be mine instead?"

I wonder what would've happened if asked her that. Would anything be different? Or will I be in even deeper shit that I am in now. Would it have been better if I played the bad boy role for once? To take someone else's girl?

For no apparent reason, I got pissed at myself, so I bought another stick to calm myself down. It must've taken me about 5 sticks before I decided to go home.

As days pass, I was on the brink of a breakdown. At times I got so mad yet unable to release it all that I subjected myself to more of my vices, and singing my sorrows at KTV bars with friends. I stayed away from texting her yet I was still checking her out on social media.

No matter how I tried to tell myself to stay away, I keep coming back; every single time.

Maybe I was cursed, or karma was catching up to me unable to figure out why I received it in the first place. Did I really hurt a lot of people enough that karma would punish me by not making the girl of my dreams love me back? Or was I being punished because I didn't say to her what I felt sooner.

Either way, the thoughts in my head were eating away at my sanity and my emotions. I wasn't myself even though I looked the same from the outside.

I was digging up on social media and found out that her relationship was in a rough patch.

At first I thought that it must be normal for couples to be like that. During my previous relationship, we barely argued and only after we broke up did I realize that I was compromising too much so seeing other couples argue often was incomprehensible for me.

So maybe it was just nothing and they'll be okay after a day or two.

But on days on end, it seems as if they haven't patched up yet. I decided months ago to keep away from her to let their relationship grow even further. I was being a nuisance by telling her what I felt, but after seeing things now unfolding right before my eyes, this isn't what I wanted to happen.

I did something that I was trying to avoid since March; I decided to contact her again.

It was easier said than done.

She was still sending group messages, but then there's me knee deep in study material, and when a message does arrive on my free time, I don't know what to reply.

I did decide to contact her but I didn't know how. I was afraid, afraid that it might just be shoved off like any other nuisance message. Rather, I was more afraid of being a hypocrite. By choosing to talk or text her, it meant eating all the words I spurted during March. It meant not doing my side of the bargain.

Somehow, there was always a voice in my head, a part of me that said to just go for it and grow some balls for a change. I wanted to be a man who follows through on what he says, but the last thing I wanted to be was to be a coward again.

I was at conflict with myself. For months on end, I wanted to know how she was doing and ask her directly about it. Time and time again, I was fighting whether to do it or not. Unfortunately, more often than not, I didn't do it. I respected our decision. I respected her decision. Or maybe I just didn't want to go through that again.

One lazy morning on July, for some odd reason, I decided to text her again. I was still half asleep so I didn't really expect a reply right away. I dozed off again, but my phone beeped. It was a reply. I didn't know what came over me, but we had a normal conversation again. By normal, I meant greeting, asking how she was and whatnot. Just your typical normal conversation.

At the back of my mind, I thought to myself that if she replies this fast, could she be have not been texting her boyfriend for the rest of the morning?

I smiled but scoffed at the idea. I went normally through the day attending review class and spent the afternoon either just texting her casually, and going to the net cafe. With preboard exams looming, it was ill-advised to be distracted. I knew better, but studying and reading through material for hours on end wasn't my thing.

I graduated from college not developing a study habit, and I knew it would bite me back in the end. Anyways, the day went on like that and before I knew it, we were texting quite normally again for the following days.

It was strange. It was as if we were back to normal but something wasn't normal. It was an undescribable feeling. A part of me was happy, another part was a bit guilty, and another part of me was getting distracted by all of it.

August was looming around the corner. Preboard exams were on a full swing. I knew I was getting distracted, but I also knew I was inspired. Months of drowning myself in study material, cigarettes and alcohol didn't change anything; I did still love her so much.