About Time

Chapter 4

January 2014

The days after the whole bet thing, I went cold again. We rarely sent each other messages. Only the casual greeting and small talk...very small talk. I just didn't know what to say after it happened. Yeah, I was happy, but was she happy as well? I doubt it. It was against her will, and no self-respecting guy would force a girl against her will. She might have said yes to the idea but I think deep down she didn't like it.

I had a deep feeling of guilt after that. What would her boyfriend say if he found out? I would end up ruining their relationship, which was the worst thing I could do. I became too selfish of my own feelings that it clouded my judgment and reasoning. I hated myself for doing that bet. It shouldn't have happened, but I let it happen anyway.

For the days that followed, I made least contact with Marge. Maybe it was for the best that we don't talk about what happened that day. Let bygones be bygones or something like that. She was happy with him and I tend to let it stay that way. I would end up becoming an interference on their lives.

If you really love someone, let her go, right? Easier said than done.

As human beings, we are selfish in nature. It is in our instinct to get what we really want in our lives. However, it is that same selfish nature that ends up hurting the people we care about.

I don't wanna hurt her.

I decided to once again refocus on my thesis. After months of tinkering with our device, it finally showed progress. Little by little, our group was finally moving towards our goal. February was fast approaching and our adviser was still his usual self, giving advice and at the same time insulting our work. It was frustrating, but if that's what it took to finish, we were willing to endure all of it.

February was also the month where the school's foundation day was going to be held. As part of an organization, I had to contribute as well. Aside from that, February also means Valentine's day is approaching.

I was too busy on my thesis that I didn't really mind that Valentine's Day was approaching. For almost a month, I only slept 5 hours a day, 5 hours for classes and the rest of the 14 hours was spent on writing our thesis and compiling the code for our program.

I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally. My lack of sleep had me developing dry skin and eyebags. Since I was late for my morning classes all the time, I was failing my quizzes badly.

As far as what I felt emotionally? I no longer seemed to care about anything else. I barely talked to family, with Marge, and most of the talking I did with my friends were about our thesis and other various problems we had about our other subjects.

My addiction to tobacco and playing Dota 2 didn't help me either, but I felt like it was my only escape. During these times, I was pushed to the brink. I never really believed in a Christian concept of Hell, but if I made a comparison right now, I could say, it was truly hell.

The organization me and Kirk joined was some sort of consolation. We had fun, even if it was temporary. It was also during these times I've spent with the organiztion I have met a girl named Joyce. Quite frankly, I didn't like her as a person. She was noisy, nosy, annoying, and had too much self-esteem that exuded from her inner being that I took it upon myself to put her in her place. The first time we met, during September, she was so annoying that I told her off and she threw stones at me.

After the months that followed though, she only became annoying to other people. Every time I was near her, she was silent. Finally, she was put in her place. I felt like I can control her. When she spouted an argument, she always fails to win against me and it fed my ego even more.