Smile. ON HOLD(Punk Niall Horan Fanfic)

t w e n t y - s i x.

(Talia's POV)

"AHHHH!" I quickly sit up, finally waking up from that horrible dream. My whole body is shaking and my heart is beating uncontrolible fast. I bead of sweat falls from my forehead, I don't even wipe it off because I can hardly move right now. What was that dream all about? Luke and Liana wanted to kill me! How did they even know each other, they haven't talked or anything before. Even though I know it was all just a dream...it felt so real.

I should probably just try to forget about it. I was only just a dream anywyas. But...what if something like that happens? What if people seriously hate enough to want to kill me? I'm pretty sure there's at least one person that wants to. Wow...that's actually scary to thnk about. What if everyone in the whole world had at least one person that wanted to kill them? I mean it's possible that someone wants to kill you right now.

Sure as hell I know I wanna kill many people, and most of the time I'm one of those people. I'm pretty sure it's not okay to think of deaths for everyone I meet. Sometimes I go to this park not too far from my house, and just sit under this huge pine tree and just watch the people. I make up back stories for them, and probably make them sound a hundred times better in my head than they actually are in real life. Although, all of those people end up having something tragic happen in their lives that makes them kill themselves. I'm pretty sure I belong in some mental institution, and I'd be actually okay with that.

I'll just be alone with my thoughts, nothing different about that. It's always been just met thoughts and I, ever since Niall came along. Niall. So much has been going on with him. So many things I didn't even think we're possible. Niall seemed to actually care about me a little bit. But I can't let that go to my head. What if it's all an act an he's planning to do something to me again?

Maybe he's just trying to get me to trust him and then he attacks me. I have to be careful.

But recently...when I'm around him, my guard is down and I let the little lust I have in me, take over. It tells me to grab him and kiss him. I yearn for his touch and taste. I want him to hold me and never let go. The thought of him touching someone else stings my heart. Why these feelings have surfaced now is completely unclear to me. I've never thought of Niall this way before....right?

Thinking about when Niall first moved to Mullingar, I did think he was attractive. Though of course that changed when he started harassing me. But now I've seen a different side of him...and to be completely honest, I like this new side of him. It makes me happy and excited. But it also makes me regret a lot of things. I'm with Luke now and I've already cheated on him about 4-5 times. I'm such a horrible person. I wish these feels would go away, but they can't.

Something is drawing me to Niall, and I can't really stop it. I'm afraid to see Niall again. I don't want to want him. I want to only want Luke. It's not one bit fair to Luke or Niall. I have so many emotions playing through my head I don't know what to do. One side of me says go for Niall because there's just something about him that instantly connects us two together. But, there is another side that tells me to go for Luke because he's the person I deserve to be with, and that he's right for me. Luke is so kind and understands me. He listens and takes my feelings into consideration.

I sigh.

"I just need to clear my head." Rubbing my eyes with my one hand, I remove the blanket with the other.

After about 10 minutes, I have a pare of lose black shorts, a gray Nike hoodie, and my favorite gray/blue/blackish running shoes on. I look myself in the mirror and look myself up and down.

Ha, you look gross. Who are you trying to impress here?

I take a deep breath in and exhale. "I just need to clear my head." I grab my hair tie and pull my hair up into a pony tail. grabbing my phone off the desk and head downstairs. I stop when I here talking.

"I think there's something wrong with her. She needs help Orion."

"Casey...I know you're worried about her but you just need to calm down. Everything with be fine. She's just going through that I-hate-everything-cause-I'm-a-teenager faze. It'll surely pass."

No. Oh god no. They're home. My "parents" are back home. I don't want to deal with them right now. I need to go back upstairs.

Before I can even take one step up the stairs, I here my mum come around the corner.

"Look Orein. I love that girl to death and I can't fucking sta-" She pauses and looks up at me with one hand on the wall beside the staircase. "Talia. You're home." She smiled, but looked confused at the same time. She opened her arms out, inviting my in for a hug. I would kind of feel bad if I didn't give her one so I gave her what she wanted.

I fake laughed and smiled. "Yeah. I'm always home. When did you and dad get back?" I said as I pulled from her embrace.

"About 5-10 minutes ago I think. I missed you so much." She looked at my face with sadness and relief. She just looked at me for a minute as if she were searching for something. She finally broke the silence. "Oh wait, are you going out for a run?" I slowly nodded. "Oh okay. Why don't you go ahead and run dear."

"Umm...okay, thanks." I walk around my mum, feeling her eyes burning into the back of my head. I don't get it. Why does she still bother. The Talia she knew is long gone, but she still thinks she's here. I wish I could tell her everything I've been through and everything I feel, but I would just be wasting time. I know her. She would try to help me in any way she can, but this is one thing she can't fix. No one can fix this feeling that has been engraved into my heart and soul. Maybe earlier all of this could have been stopped, but it's much too late now.

As I almost open the door to leave. Mum calls out to me and says, "Be careful. I love you." Her voice wavers. I felt bad. Her words didn't mean anything to me. Hearing mum say that didn't effect me in the slightest. So I said what you're supposed to say when a parent says that, "I love you too mum." Although I didn't mean it.

It's not that I don't want to love my mum and dad. I just can't. I feel no love towards anyone anymore. I've lost that capability when the ones I cared for the most left me when Niall came. How can I ever give love to someone else when I don't even have enough love to give to myself. My heart is completely shattered and my soul is a black pit of loneliness and sorrow. Even if someone were to glue my heart back together, the cracks are still there. The scars that people has put on me will last for as long as I live.

"Bye dad, mum." I open the door and slowly close it behind me, hearing my mum say, "God..please give me my child back."

She is gone.