The American // DNF

Forty-Two.

TW: derealisation

I was sitting, zoned out, and scrunched up in a ball on my bed when my dad came in. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was ignoring my phone which had been lighting up with messages from people that I just couldn't deal with right then.

"Clay?" He said, voice laced with concern. Though, I didn't hear him and continued fixating on the one spot on my wall that I had been for the past... however long.

"Clay?" He was sitting on my bed now and a hand on my shoulder jolted me back to my bedroom and out of my thoughts. I blinked and turned to face him.

"Yeah?" I said, my throat painfully dry.

My dad's eyes seemed really worried and they were flicking between each of mine as if looking to read me.

"Are you...?" He was searching for a better word than 'ok' because I clearly wasn't. He came up short.

"I'm fine," I said with a watery smile.

Dad huffed and furrowed his brows at me, not believing me.

"Did something happen today at school?" He asked slowly, removing his hand. My toes curled in their socks at the thought.

It's not even as if I'd had a remotely bad day. Other than being punched twice for something I desperately never wanted to be reminded of and then confronted with such a soul-weighting task of almost having to not only look down at myself but risk others also seeing. Seeing how pathetic I was.

I sat in silence for a good minute or so before a singular tear rolled down my cheek but I didn't move from my position to wipe it away. I couldn't muster the energy.

"Oh, Clay. What happened?" My dad asked calmly, slipping his arm around my waist to pull me closer to him.

"I-" I couldn't say any more as a choked-out sob passed through my lips and my sight blurred. I didn't even know why I was crying. Apparently, my body thought that was the only way I could express how I was feeling.

I still didn't even try to wipe away my tears and let my eyes sting with the saltwater, my face blank. My dad held me tighter.

I just wanted... I don't know. Did I even want?

"It's ok. Everything's going to be ok in the end, let it out," my dad whispered, Rubbing circles on my back. I hated needing to be babied like this but at the same time, I felt great comfort in the fact I knew my father was there.

"I- I don't know how it can," I mumbled, though he heard.

I saw my dad's heart break in his eyes as he noted my sincere feeling of helplessness.

"I don't know. I just need to- just need to do..." I trailed off, not really knowing where I was going with this. "Something. Anything. I don't know what, I just don't know. I don't know how I can even- How do I-?"

I gave up, now depending completely on my dad to keep me up, my hands falling limp and away from my knees where they previously were.

"Ok, I don't think you're ready to go back to school yet? Do think it would be better just to stay off for a few more days?" My dad asked in such a soft tone he made me shiver.

I instantly felt a rush of relief, knowing I wasn't going back yet. I was safe for a few more days.

I didn't know why I didn't want to go to school: my friends and boyfriend and a distraction were there. But I also couldn't stand the idea of having to face all of those people, including my friends and boyfriend which I felt guilty about.