What I see.

May 4th 7:45PM

It's been around 5 months since I've last typed in this journal..

A bit since then has changed for me as I've experienced a loss many this past year and last year have.

My bestfriend Abby died. Which is one of the main reasons I took a long hiatus on this journal. The other is because I'm not good on commitment with various online project such as this one.

When I picture her the first thing that comes to my mind is her  turning to me and smiling. One of her true smiles. This is probably because I loved her real smiles. She always looked so happy and cute, and it gave me joy to see her  actually happy.

Her true smiles are bright and full of life. They spread far across her face like sunshine. Her face lifts moving the light freckles dotted across her nose and cheek bones. Her eyes clear up as if a fog has been lifted from her mind.

I believe in heaven and that there is a hell. And though I don't know where she was truly in her beliefs I believe she made it to heaven. It's hard for me to believe an almost 16 year old you'd go to hell.

So maybe that's why I didn't grieve her hard.  I cried for her, my heart ached, but it passed quickly. Now there are only the moments when I think about her and miss her such that a shed a few tears, but nothing more.

 I thought, before, that if someone I loved died I would cry and cry, sobbing, and it would be on and off for months, but that did not happen. I cried, I mourned, and then I moved on. Sounds almost brutal I think with our cultures views.

I think she's happy about that though. We promised each other, or at least said we'd try to, if one of us were to die that the other would not mourn for long and wouldn't be too sad. That we'd go on with our lives.

Her wish for me was granted.

Two weeks after her sudden death she turned 16. Or at least would have. I celebrated it in a way.

Went down to one of the spots I had a good memory of her and sat painted a picture in her memory and had some dollar store snacks. I talked to her. I believe it's possible she heard me. You just never know.

I wish I could have gone to her grave, or at the very least known if she was buried or cremated.. Wasn't able to get in contact with her family. I wish I could put flowers at her grave.

Five months or so later and I catch it too.

Didn't effect me nearly as bad. Not even as bad as a cold generally is for me. Maybe I just picked up a low viral load. Funny how that works.

She died. I mostly just coughed up congestion.

Why?

She had Asthma, I don't.

Nor any other type of predisposition.

I told her, in the journal book I use to help communicate to her now, that I want her to look down from heaven and see my life's major moments. That at least in some way I want her involved in my life still.

I miss her.