Stay ~ Applewood Series #1

05| abby

I look like a disaster.

Examining myself in the bathroom mirror all I can see are my red eyes and bloated face, a reminder of my emotional episode after Jesse had left yesterday. And then another one right before I went to bed.

God I'm pathetic. Crying over someone, let alone near stranger is something I haven't done in a long time. Then again, I've never had to have a conversation like that in my life. I've never been the one to reject the other person, and I feel like absolute crap about it.

In the past when I have found myself drifting away from someone else, they don't bother to reach out, then I don't feel like I have the right to reach out, and then inevitable we are strangers once again.

But Jesse didn't do that. He approached me out of the blue to confront me about ignoring his texts. Crazy enough a piece of me wanted him to come after me and when he did it made that part of me jump for joy, but then a louder part of my brain wished he had never come around.

How am I supposed to tell him that I can't deal with people leaving because that's all I've ever known? That no matter how he feels about me now will for sure fade once he leaves because I know I'm never enough to make people remember, to have people stay.

I wasn't enough for my mom, for my dad or any friend I had been close with. Years later I'm the same girl, so there's no point in thinking I'll get a different reaction from him. Especially because Jesse is important in so many people's lives and I'm, well, I'm not.

In an attempt to make myself feel better I dress in one of my favorite outfits and do up my hair and makeup a bit more than usual.

While I admit I look similar to how I do on most other days, for some reason the subtle differences give a tiny boost to my overall mood.

Shouldering my backpack I head out, only stopping to peek inside Papa's bedroom to make sure he's alright. I knock on the door and slowly open the door to him sitting on the edge of his bed, putting on his glasses.

He looks to me and gives me a sleepy smile. "Morning, you going to school now?"

"Yeah, I was just checking on you before I left," I reply.

"Oh, I'm fine Abby. Have a good first day!"

"Thanks Papa." I close the door again before walking outside to the driveway.

When I approach my car I freeze for a second when I see a small paper bag against the windshield of my car. I pick it up and look inside and there's a small card and a bagel.

An involuntary smile comes to my face when I see the contents and I pluck the card from the bag and read, "Good luck today. Hope you like cream cheese" -Jesse.

Although it's scary how his small gestures turn around my whole attitude, my smile only gets bigger and I pull out my phone to text him.

Me: thank you for the bagel, I love cream cheese

Getting into my car, I start it up when I hear the tone go off.

Jesse: you're welcome, I'm glad

Jesse: have a good day

Oh Lord, cue the blushing and butterflies.

Me: you too

Turning my phone off, I back out from the house and head to campus. At the same time I attempt to shake off these feelings, reminding myself this crush has to go. One way or another I know beginning something with him wouldn't end well.

So we'll keep it friendly, but distant. Share good moods and happy times, but nothing deeper than that and knowing myself it shouldn't be too difficult. Then again, for some reason I can't seem to keep my poker face on around him.