Stay ~ Applewood Series #1

07| abby

Why can't he just be mean? He would make my job a whole lot easier if he were to be a giant jerk. Except he's not, Jesse is one of the most wonderful people I've met. The fact that he reached out to Papa to find out what I like is further proof of his consideration.

If only he weren't leaving, or maybe if only I weren't so darn insecure there would be a possibility of letting this grow into something more. I know he wants more from me, he made that crystal clear that night he came over. To tell the truth, I want it as well. This is not a case of not knowing what we want, it is a case of being to afraid to see what happens after taking the plunge.

Looking across the table at Jesse at my favorite restaurant, The Cranberry, I don't know how I would be able to bounce back if I were to pursue something more serious with him. He might be my final straw, I don't want to know what kind of depression I may sink into again when I reach my wits end.

At the same time though, I am tempted more than I have ever been before by someone's affection. I may have told him that friends is just better, that any step past that would be impossible between he and I, but I'm not exactly following through with my actions. I allow him to put his arm around me, to hold my hand and to kiss me without question. Sure some friends are affectionate, but when Jesse does these things to me they bring out anything but friendly feelings.

"What are you thinking of getting?" he asks, breaking me from my thoughts. His head is still tilted down towards the menu, but his blue eyes are looking up to me. Since the restaurant is packed tonight, we are seated at one of the smallest round tables which causes our knees to almost touch beneath the wood.

"My usual, the classic Reuben with onion rings," I reply. My mouth is already watering thinking about it. This place has the most perfect homemade rye bread, tender corned beef, fresh sauerkraut and the onion rings are crispy but not too greasy.

"Is there anything you would recommend I try?"

"Um," I scan the menu to search for the name of the dish. "My Papa always gets the fish sandwich, but I'm pretty they are 'famous' for their bleu burger."

He considers the options while continuing to look at the menu, I'm pretty sure to read the description. When he is finished he sets it down before folding his hands in front of him. "I think I'm going to go with the bleu burger," he decides just as our waitress, Gina, comes over with our drinks. She sets down my lemon seltzer then Jesse's glass of IPA.

"Are you ready to order, or do you still need a few more minutes?" she asks us with a sweet smile. I don't know Gina all that well even though we were in school together, but she has always been nice to me despite a few rumors I've heard. I'm not entirely sure I believe them anyway.

"We're ready," Jesse replies, then looks at me to speak first.

"I'll have the Reuben with onion rings, please," I say, smiling up at her when I'm finished.

"Of course, I shouldn't even have to ask," she jokes, jotting down the order. After she is finished scribbling, Gina looks at Jesse with a smile. "What about you?"

"I'll have the bleu burger with a side salad please." He orders with the menu open to the page to point to his choice even though I am sure he knew the name without going back. Must be a habit.

"Alright, is there a specific dressing you would like?"

"The house dressing is fine, thank you."

"Sounds good, I'll be back with your food in a bit." Gina takes the menus from us to hurry back to the kitchen.

When she leaves I take a sip of my drink, letting the fizz burn my mouth. Jesse does the same in brining the glass to his lips to take a swig of his. Despite the chatter around us fills the rooms, the silence between the two of us is still noticeable. The lack of conversation doesn't seem as horrible as it once did though. I think I've just accepted that we won't always ben deep in conversation, that there will be periods of time where there isn't anything to say, that it's alright for this to happen.