* Jake Matthews was in a near fatal car accident. He somehow woke up to find out he was actually in the afterlife by an accident or an error. The thing is that has never happened before and his body is still in a coma state back on earth.
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Chapter 1: Jake gets crucified
Jake woke up with a sharp pain in his foot. He was so dizzy that he couldn't sit up but had to see what was causing the pain in his foot. It was like a horrible itch right in thew middle of your back that made you go to extreme lengths and try out new tools like screwdrivers, leveling ruler, a hammer to get to that god awful spot. Hell sometimes you would use old grandpas funny methods like a spoon or ladle. Hell I used a car muffler before as a scratching tool. One time when Jake was probably 14 and just starting his freshman year he got to sleep in which meant both mom and dad were already at work. Jake slept in his wool sweater because his dad was mso cheap he kept it hot as fuck in the summer from "making sure you measure" the "amount of a.c. you use and yeah you might have saved $11.13 a month for this 4 or 5 blistering months but I would have gotten a job shoveling shit on the weekends if I could control the thermostat. Jake had been home alone one morning and couldn't go outside due to him falling asleep in the sun and had gotten the worst case of being sun burnt on his back so he had been limited to not going outside perioed until further notice.
Well you know what a teenage boy wants to do when he's home alone with an itch and some medicated lotion and nothing to do... Right. Use the whole bottle of aloe here on his back to stop the horrible itch from his skin peeling on his back. Well Jakes mother came home early and Jake was standing on his bed with a "good housekeeping" magazine rolled up with one side that was covered in aloe versa trying to spread it on the middle of his back that was impossible to reach and had his music playing loud when his mother opened the door and screamed. "Oh Dear God in Heaven!" Marianne screamed thinking she had intruded on Jake masterbating. She closed the door quickly trying not to see any more of her son than she had already. That glimpse of him with one leg hiked on the dresser in his underwear using a magazine and a forward and backward fury rythem would be burned into her should though. She tried to be a mature parent but had to cover her mouth to stop laughing after
Jake knocked over the lamp and fell to the floor with a hideous scream of "Ahhhh mommm!". Jake yelled followed by a "thud" as his face broke the fall. From the ground he managed to continue using the magazine still unable to reach the spot. When Marianne finally composed herself from laughing she put her ear to the door and her hand on the middle of the frame listening intently said " its okay sweety that's perfectly normal thing for you to be doing, don't be ashamed." She said. Jake replied "Mom will you come help me with this I can't hit that spot." He said refeerring to his back and not his well you know. "Jacob Henry Matthews! How dare you ask your mother took do such a thing!" Marianne stormed off before she heard Jake respond "please it itches so bad and I can't scratch it. Marianne went straight to the house phone and called her husband. "Hello?" Joe answered on the first ring. " Joe come home right now!" Marianne said angrily. "Um no I'm handling something really important on top of a pile of paperwork on my desk mari." Joe said slightly out of breath. "Your son just asked me to help him masrterbate!" She said almost yelling. There was silence on the other end for a second before finally Joe started hysterically laughing .
"Haaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahhahaahaaaaaaahahha " then he took in a huge breath from laughing so hard. After a minute on non stop laughter and then a female in the background laughing also she hung up and Jake came out to the living room and turned on the t.v. and sat down. Marianne stormed over to him and Jake watched her and the t.v until she got right in front of him and open hand s,lapped Jake across the face."Whacckkkkk." Jake fell from a sitting position to the floor like a bag of potatoes. "I can't believe you Jacob would ask me to help you do that!" Marianne said with one hand on her hip and the other pointing at him while he my dazed from the floor. Jake finally started making zombie moans of pleas asking his mother why she ufc punched him like that ."mom, what in the fuck did you do that for.." Jake said still laying. "Oh no don't give me that crap Jacob!" Your going to church tommorow, You need Jesus!" She said. "Mom what the fuck?" Jake asked starting to get up off the fetal position.
"Your grounded unil i die from old age Jacob she said leaving the room. Seconds later her bedroom door slammed shut and then another little door slammed indicating she went into her closet or bathroom and started crying. Jakes younger brother had been at the table eating captain crunch and had witnessed the whole thing. Jake watched him with the spoon in front of his mouth halfway up frozen and not being able to take a bite or put the spoon back into the bowl from what he had just witnessed. He stood big eyed mouth open and after a second droppped the spoon and started laughing uncontrollable until he fell out of the chair from laughing so hard." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha he started pointing just screaming out random vowels not able to make any words or any sense because he witnessed the funniest thing ever. "Bro shut the fuck up before I "mom slap" your ass like Ishe did to me." Jake said still with a hand on his face from the handprint that now started to form on his face. "Haaaaaaahahahahahaah." His brother kept going.
"Okay you little turd I'm about to beat your ass so bad." Jake said standing up and running over to the kitchen table and started stomping his brother and then they started rolling and throwing punches until the front door opened and their dad walked in. "Damn Jacob trying to fuck fuck everyone that lives here." Joe said watching the boys fighting. When his dad said that they stopped and looked at him and then back at each other and pushed each her away from one another. "What the fuck" Jake asked to his father. "Are you talking about." Jake finshed asking. "He sat down and turned the t.v to a live action of the master on CBS. "Your mother said she caught you with A pair of her panties smelling them with your little pecker out wackin or something." His dad said laughing. "I was trying to put lotion on my sunburn dad."Jake said pleading his defense. "Mmhm just don't let me catch you with my old yearbook photos you little weirdo.." His father said laughing.
Jake went to his mothers door and softly said "mom..?" As he opened the bedroom door and walked to the closet and sat down in front of it. "Mom?" Jake called softly again. "Go away" his mother said sniffling and wiping away tears from inside the closet. " mom, I wasn't masterbating." He said akwardly. "Not now Jacob, get out of my room." She said still with the door closed. "Mom I was putting loti-.... " Jake started to say when the front doorbell rang. Jake heard muffled chatter as someone came inside the front door. Seconds later a priest wearing a rosary and smelling like booze came in the bedroom led by Jakes father. "Hello Jacob. I'm pastor Troy." The fat white priest said with his hands folded in front of him. "Go get some clothes son and were gonna have you stay at the church for a couple days and get you some help." The fat priest said.
" um no I'm not. Thank you anyway." Jake replied sitting Indian style in front of the closet. " it wasn't a request Jacob." His Father said. "Mom? Please." Jake said to the closet door. Before Jake knew it the fat priest had grabbed him by his hair and started dragging him behind him. "Ahhh, let me go! mom! Dadddd!!" Jake said kicking and screaming as he was being drug toward the front door and all the say outside. The neighbors outside had seen the event unfolding and stood pointing and talking to one another. Jake was thrown in the front seat and forcefully restrained by the buckle of the seat belt. The Fat priest got within inches of Jakes face so close as a piece of paper couldn't wedge between the two. With his liquored breath and pink sweaty face yelled "don't you fucking move you little pervert!" Do you understand boy!" The fat priest yelled and spit was being sprayed in Jakes face as he was yelling. "Jake rebelliously said I guess we will have to find out when your fat ass gets out of my face won't we." Jake replied condescendingly. For the second time in a day Jake was open handed slapped across the face. This time he was struck so hard he knocked out cold from the blow.
