Trigger warnings: mention of self harm and eating disorder, voices
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As Wilbur yelled 'FINE' back techno turned to me with a worried face
"Tommy...let me see you're back." He said as I shook my head. I can't show him, he'll find out. He'll know everything. He'll tell everyone...
"Please Tommy. Its not normal to bleed that much from a small 'accident' from falling off a tree" he said. I sighed, it's not like they want me anyway. Its better to be free from everyone and not having to care about being home at time. I took my shirt of revealing the bandages around my chest and my self harm cuts and scars, plus a lot of burn marks from water. He gasped as he teared up. Why is he starting to cry? The blade never cries.
Pity
He doesn't care
Tears of happiness
Kill him
No don't
No wait kill him!
He's gonna tell everyone once he finds out about you're back!
The voices had mixed emotions, some of them wanted him dead. Others wanted his affection and him taking care of me. I just stood there in silence.
"How long?" He asked breaking the silence.
"About 2 years?" I simply answered. Its been 6 years since I started pulling out my feathers but 2 years since I started self harming and cutting my wrists. He gasped once again before pulling me into a hug. That's when he felt it, my back.
"Whats on your back?!" He asked as he pulled away. I shrugged hoping he would just shake it off. He didn't. Before I noticed he took the bandages off revealing small white wings covered in blood. He gasped once again.
"Y-you aren't a...human." He said. I was afraid, afraid he would kill me. Yeah sure I wanted to die, but not by the hands of my own brother. Not of the hands of someone who always asked if I was alright and checked on me whenever I blocked myself from the whole world.
"Why are they broken?! W- you're not pulling the feathers out are you?? Tommy that's dangerous! You're lucky they somehow grow back! I bet it's painful for you..." he said as he pulled myself in another hug. My eyes widened, no killing? Why? Why didn't he just kill me?!
"Tommy... why didn't you tell us?!" He asked tightening his hug.
"I-I... I thought you were gonna abandon me... dadza is avian, there's no need for me..." I said tearing up, once again it werent just tears, it was blood.
"Ofcourse were not gonna abandon you! You're my little brother. I- why are you pulling them out?! Why are you doing this to yourself?!" He said pulling out of the hug
"I don't like it techno, I don't wanna be like this. I don't wanna be a avian. It sucks, I can't even eat meat! I get sick, I don't wanna eat. Ever since I couldn't eat meat anymore I most of the time didn't even eat. I pull it out cause I like the pain, the burn marks are from rain. Water burns me somehow? I'm just sick of it tech. I'm sick of everything, I don't wanna be here... I don't." I said falling on my knees sobbing. He crouched down infront of me and pulled me into a hug causing me to bury my head in his chest
"I'm not gonna tell anyone, but if I see or find out you're doing it again I'll do. Please when you feel like this come to my room... I don't care if it's 3 am. I care about you're health." He said calmly. I just nodded. A hour passed as I told him everything, how Tubbo replaced me. How I felt in general. I also told him about the voices. He was the only one who could help me after all.
"Do you wanna catch up with the others or just go home?" Techno asked me
"Just go home..." I answered. I didn't wanna see Tubbo nor Ranboo any longer. They would ignore me anyway, so what's the point of going?
"Alright, let's go" he said as he wrapped his cape around me and started heading home. I followed quietly. I was genuinely ashamed of myself. I mean, imagine if you have to find out everything the way techno did? How dumb can I be? If I just had been more careful no one knew about anything. Now techno knows. He's gonna tell everyone if I don't stop. But the thing is, I can't stop. It's to addicting. The self harm, the feather pulling, sitting in the rain...everything with pain. Pain is just to addictive.
You dumbass.
youre so stupid
how will you pull out your feathers now?! How will you hide the fact that you aren't human?!
Everyone else will leave you!
he will tell everyone
"You alright there, toms?" Techno asked as he looked back at me, making me snap out of thoughts
"Uh- yeah...yeah" I said quietly, looking down at my feet. We arrived at home and dadza was sitting on the couch.
"Oh- you two are home already? Did something happen?" Phil asked slightly concerned.
"No no, don't worry. Tommy just got a bit tired so we headed home earlier." Techno said as I nodded. I walked upstairs and went in my room. I didn't want to speak to anyone. Talking with other people beside techno would be impossible. First of all I act more coldly and harsh against them and second, it may trigger the voices in taking over and doing the worst, killing them all.
i don't think I can do this. Being clean for longer then 2 days makes me go insane. I can't just stop? And what if I let my feathers grow?! I can't do that! But techno will know...what if I just do it without him knowing? No- he will ask me to see my feathers...shit- shit. Shit I can't do anything! I'm pathetic. I'm so fucking pathetic. Why did I let him find out?! Why did I just tell him everything that happened?! I could've just showed my wrist and that's it! I can't do anything. Everything I do is wrong. I'm such a loser. No wonder tubbo replaced me.
