Conundrum II | JENLISA | On-going

Reason

It's been four days too long yet it seemed that it'll go on longer. I paused momentarily to squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. I need to keep myself distracted. That's what I've been doing eversince this mess, to stop myself from breaking apart, to avoid going wherever Lisa is and force out her reason or to just hug her and tell her that I can't do this. But I couldn't. So here I am, trying not to be as pathetic as I feel, alone in the kitchen and mind's a mess.

It was too late in the evening and too early in the morning to be making breakfast but since I've been having troubling sleeping, I decided to use my time in doing something useful instead.  Also the fact that we're about to fly to another country for our concert worries me.

How are we going to move around each other when Lisa can't even stay in the dorms for more than a day or face us when she's here? We weren't even able to talk it out or plan about on what to do. Our fans will always expect an interaction between us yet I'm still clueless on how to act and breathe around her without tearing up or asking her to take her words back... to take me back.

I frowned at my thoughts and shook my head to throw them back at the back of my mind. Stop thinking about it. Stop.

My hands stilled and I looked down to see the ingredients on the table. How I managed to procure them with being as preoccupied as I was without getting hurt, that I don't know. Maybe my mind was on autopilot and it was muscle memory since I've been the one who's preparing breakfast for the four of us and when sometimes Jisoo and Chaeng are still sleeping, I'll be the one to whip something up for Lisa.

Ah. That's why. My kimchi fried rice is one of Lisa's favorites... Was?  Again, I don't know.

I glanced at the clock which read 3:50 A.M while I cleaned all the pots I needed and started working on chopping the kimchi. Despite my efforts, my mind took me back to that night.

Ater what Lisa said, I didn't have the guts to follow her to her room. I didn't get the answers I needed since I lost all my courage to speak and force an answer out of Lisa. I let her walk away as I could feel my heart breaking into millions of pieces and my whole body began to numb.

I remember retreating to my room, eyes red and with a heavy heart. I spent all the night staring at my dark ceiling in bed, the other side empty and untouched. I was curled into a fetal position, trying to conserve my warmth because the coldness of the night and of the absence of Lisa were making me shiver until my lips were blue and bruised and my eyes red and puffy.

I laid there, motionless while berating myself for the mistake I made. I realized that it was wrong for me to push her. I failed to see that she was trying to put some normalcy between us even with her hot and cold personality, or even sometimes she would grow stiff and close herself away from us.

It should've been what mattered to me... That she was still working and trying and pushing herself despite whatever was troubling her. But I just have to push her to her limits, didn't I?

But who can blame me when I wanted answers? I just wanted to know what was happening to the person I love but that ended badly. I know I promised to fight but seeing her retreating back and her words still ringing in my ears, I couldn't do anything but to watch her disappear to God knows where again.

It was too late in  the evening and too early in the morning but here I was crying. Again. For the nth time this week. I hastily wiped my face when I realized that I was being pathetic. Lisa was just asking for a break, right? It didn't mean that she doesn't love me anymore... That whatever between us is over. Right? A break. A breather. Space. But that doesn't it's all over.

I kept repeating these inside my head, convincing myself that they were all true but my doubt was bigger since with every assurance, I was attacked by my own questions and doubt.