Conundrum II | JENLISA | On-going

What Do You Want

It was hard to breathe but I still forced myself to go through the excruciating process of inhaling and exhaling just because I need to. If there was no need for such, I wouldn't bother myself with the effort. Especially not when every intake of breath felt like knives impaling deeper inside my heart or every exhale felt like I was about to give my last.

It sound so exaggerated but let me tell you that it isn't. I never expected it to be this painful either, but here I was, struggling to breathe and keep an upright posture instead of sprawling on the floor and wait for it to swallow me whole.

I used to call those books that I've read when I was a teenager a bluff, especially when they narrate how one experience heartaches. I told myself that how can a person be affected by another so much? How can a person give almost all of their own to the other one without the assurance that that part of theirs will be kept safely and tucked under their promises, warm and always whole?

I didn't understand what it meant to be hurt. The only pain I experienced were my mom's disappointments and the muscle aches I got when we were still trainees and yes, from the time Lisa ran away. It hurt bad, that time when I thought I lost one of our members forever just because of my lies. But it doesn't compare to this.

A heart is a muscle too, right? It's the same as my calf and my thighs but I didn't remember them hurting me this much...

My eyes darted past Lisa's slumped shoulders as I bit back another sob. My eyes settled on one of the windows. The sun was almost up. Peeking momentarily at the clock, I dreaded the time that one of our other two members would finally wake up. And I wasn't wrong because I heard the slight creak of the door and the heavy steps of someone who just clearly got out of bed. A tall platinum blonde who was still dazed with sleep walked past us and headed to the sink.

"Morning," Rosie yawned. Lisa looked at me but I ignored her and went back to watching the sun's rays on our window. It would've been better with calming me down if there was a tree outside our window or that I can hear the chirps of the birds. But living in one of the high rise buildings in the middle of Seoul proved that to be impossible.

"Oh, oh-kay..." Rosie spoke suddenly low. "What's with the somber mood so early in morning?"

We both threw her a look. Lisa tried to speak but decided to keep mum and I gave Rosie a non-commital shrug.

"Uhm..." Chaeng leaned on one of the chairs and looked at us, a piece of toast dangling on her mouth as she spoke. "Should I... Should I stay and eat...?"

"Yes."

"No."

Rosie looked at us like we've grown two heads each but she cracked an uneasy smile at me. "Sorry, Hubby but I'm following Lisa for now. She said no so bye!"

She hurriedly went past me, ignoring my silent request for her to stay and when she was near Lisa, I heard her whisper, "Please fix this, Lisa. Talk."

When the footsteps of Rosie disappeared, the silence between us fell heavy again. I returned to watching the sun's rays and Lisa was watching me.

The pain in my chest only worsens with the silence that I pushed the chair back and stood up. Slightly jumping at the sound, Lisa's eyes widened a bit and she followed suit, confused at why we're standing.

"Thank you for being brutally honest with me. And if you have nothing else to say, I'm going back inside my room to pack or sleep."

I haven't taken three steps when I heard her whisper, her voice barely there. "Nini..."

I looked back at her and saw her hand extended, like she was trying to reach for me but she didn't move from where she was. Her eyes were dull and the bags underneath them were prominent. The usually bright and glimming caramel orbs were devoid of any happiness and it sent another wave of pain through me.