Time To Move On

Chapter 3

this chapter is from deku's pov and contains mentions of eating disorders, mental breakdowns, hallucinations, and a suicide attempt. please turn away if that is triggering to you 

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I was sitting in the corner of the balcony, watching the sky as it faded from the dark, ominous blue of night into the soft, fiery reds and oranges of the morning. Surrounded by the fading sweet scent of wilting begonias and orchids. The same flowers Ochaco always talked about having decorate her hair and dress as she walked down the aisle.

"They're so pretty! They have such a sweet smell too! Why wouldn't I want them at my wedding," she'd always exclaim to me with such big doe eyes and her wide goofy smile.

I felt the corner of my lips tug at the thought as I reached out and picked a wilting brown petal off the long strand of lavender that sat above my head. Softly twirling it and watching as it crumbled in between my fingers. I released the grip on the crumbled petal watching as the wind carried it through the empty gap in the railing, disappearing into the sky. I heard the birds quietly start to sing bringing in the morning. The sound of the baby from the downstairs apartment crying, waking the parents to hurry and tend to him.

"The start of another day. Another day of you being gone. Today makes three months," I whispered as I looked at the sky, tears threatening to overflow from my eyes once again.

"I think I'll finally come visit you today. It'll be the first time I've left the building since last month, but it'll be the first time there. I was wondering if Iida would take me," I continued to speak, letting the gates open and the tears fall down my cheeks.

"Who am I kidding? He'll jump at the fact I'll be leaving the house," I sighed as I ran my hand through my now overgrown locks. "I should probably get a haircut while I'm out too."

I sit there no longer speaking as the sun finally peaks above the horizon in all its flaming glory. The one thing that signals that time is moving. That even though I'm staying still and not continuing with life, time is still moving all around me. I reach my hand out again this time grabbing a wilting petal off of the orchids in front of me, letting it sit in my palm as I just stared at it. I close my fist feeling the petal crush before opening it and watching as the crushed petal float towards the ground.

I stand up and walk inside leaving the balcony door open, the morning breeze blowing the curtains to the side. The feeling of all the old happy memories framed and forever saved in pictures stared and chewed at my heart as I walked through the hallway. I slowly walked towards the bedroom bracing myself before swinging the door open and letting Ochaco's scent fill my nose. The sweet, gentle scent of vanilla and strawberries flooded my senses and clouded my mind. I had to cover my nose to keep myself from gagging. It was overflowing, every inch of my body, drowning me in her presence.

I quickly ran to the bathroom, locking the door and dropping to the floor with my back against the door. Gasping and scratching at my throat for air, struggling to fight the urge to keep the little amount I ate down. I scratched and scratched until I couldn't anymore, until my throat was red and my skin was raw. I dropped my hands and felt the throbbing in my fingers. I sighed and placed my head into my hands trying to bury the thoughts rising in my head.

"You can't hide forever. Maybe if you were faster. Why are you so sad? You don't deserve to feel that way," the thoughts attacking me, stabbing at every soft spot in my mind.

I started to yell, all the anger and pity in my body rising from the bottom of my heart as I started to slam my hands against the front of my head.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up," I screamed, spit pooling into the corners of my mouth as I continuously attacked myself in my head.

"Ochaco hates you. Why do you even bother to stay? Just off yourself now. Maybe before you go to hell you'll get to see her one more time. Happy and at peace without you," hatred and anger seething in every word that rattled back and forth in my head.

I slowly stood up, turning myself to look towards the mirror and I was disgusted by what I saw. I had lost a more than decent amount of weight, my shirt hanging off the top of my shoulder, my collarbone more than prominent. The skin on my face ghastly looking as the bags under my eyes were visible from a mile away. My hair overgrown to the point it sat well below my eyes just giving me room to see through. I poked my face watching as the reflection in the mirror replayed everything I did back to me.

Poking my cheek, pulling my hair, pinching my arm, every movement duplicated in front of me. I grabbed the bathroom door throwing it open, my nose once again being filled with the smell of vanilla and strawberries, running back towards the balcony. I slid to a stop in front of the open door, my breath staggering as all the plants sat in front of me. Images of Ochaco watering and tending to the plants started to pass through my head causing my head to pound like a drum beat.

I sat my left hand on the side of my head as I placed my right hand on the doorframe, trying to hold my body up and keep me from falling onto the floor. Everything in front of me started to become one big blur with the only thing clear is Ochaco standing there, smiling and waving at me.

"Hey Deku! I've missed you," she said so ever softly while looking at me with those big doe eyes.

I stared up at her, my breathing slowing, "Ochaco? You're not supposed to be here."

""What do you mean? I live here with you," she giggled, her voice like music to my ears.

"You're dead. This isn't real," I whispered watching as she walked over to me and leaned up.

She placed her left hand on my cheek and stroked it with her thumb. "I'm as real as ever."

I shuddered at the feeling as I felt warmth flood through my cheek. This wasn't a dream. Or at least that's what my mind was making me believe.

"Deku, you aren't doing too well," Ochaco whispered as her eyes wandered my body, her fingers running along my collarbone.

I felt tears well up in my eyes for the second time that morning and I just let my body fall to the ground, leaning my head against the doorframe. Ochaco gasped before dropping beside me and placing her hand to my forehead and checking my pulse.

"Deku, what's wrong? Deku? Answer me," she yelled at me as she searched my face with worry in her eyes.

I just stared at her my eyes blank and empty and she held my face in her hands.

"Deku let's go. It's time to go home," she whispered, placing her forehead against mines. "It's time to be together again."

I sat there and watched her stand up, her eyes never leaving mines. The background slowly started to come back into focus as Ochaco walked backwards stepping up from the ground onto the railing. She stood there, the sun gleaming onto her face and the wind blowing her hair. She looked ethereal as she gave me one last smile before letting herself fall out of my view. At that moment something in my mind snapped and before I could stop myself, I was standing up and staggering towards the railing.

Step by step dragging my body towards the gray metal rail that separated me from the ground. Heaving myself up, I stood there feeling the wind nip at my legs and blow my hair out my face. I gasped a little at the view in front of me. It was beautiful as the buildings that stood in front of me no longer felt as big and I could see my whole patrol area from here. I spread my arms out and smiled at the feeling. I felt so free yet like something was still keeping me caged.

"Do it Deku! Then we can finally go home," I heard being carried with the wind. I looked down and saw Ochaco all the way on the ground staring up at me. She put her hands together and started to float up towards me and I just kept my eyes on her. Eventually Ochaco was right in front of the balcony and she looked up at me, her eyes so soft and gentle yet so enticing.

"I can't wait to finally be able to lay together with you again," she said smiling at me. "All you have to do is jump."

I nodded my head, gave Ochaco a tiny smile before closing my eyes and stepping off.

"Stop Deku," a familiar voice yelled out to me.