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Mirror Mirror- A collection of photography and poetry in awareness of BDD

Poesía

*TRIGGER WARNING, THIS BOOK IS UPLOADED TO RAISE AWARENESS ON BDD AND TO HELP THOSE WHO SUFFER FEEL LESS ALONE* Body dysmorphia is an anxiety disorder whereby the person is abnormally preoccupied with an imaginary defect in their physical appearance...

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4. Smile- My story

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by callmecat_xx

by callmecat_xx

I do try to smile,

A strain which should not be a struggle,

I am vulnerable now,

Starring into you as my mind plays tricks,

Tuck my hair behind my ears,

Take my glasses off.

And begin the starring contest,

With no winner.

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When I was young, I was a dancer,

I competed on and off from the age of 5 to 14,

I remember the judgemental stares in the dressing room,

I remember looking different,

I had started puberty earlier than most girls,

I felt isolated when I was the first in my class to get spots,

I was healthy and was called obese by the NHS at the age of 12,

What is odd is that I currently 50.8 kgs and 1.52 metres and a healthy weight for a 20 year old,

When I was younger I dressed in baggy clothes hiding my figure and wearing things that were too big,

I started working out but was criticised by my boyfriend at the time,

every time I wanted to do something to help my body or mental health he would bring me down,

It became a very co-dependent, toxic relationship,

When it ended it felt my life had finally started,

then I was sexually assaulted and living away from home at the time I felt isolated,

Last year I got down to 34Kg when I stopped eating,

when I started to lose weight I was happy,

I ate biscuits or crisps whenever I did eat, and usually only ate when other people were around,

I began to hate the way I used to look even more and started to disassociate myself,

I couldn't look in the mirror and when I did it was to applying makeup,

I started going on social media more and not leaving my room.

I realised I was on the way to becoming anorexic if I carried on and decided to make some changes.

I'm the happiest I've ever been with my body,

I have a healthy diet,

I eat what I want when I am hungry,

I work out every day to become stronger, happier and healthier,

But Body Dysmorphia is a journey,

I am still uncomfortable looking in mirrors and taking pictures,

This book has been hard to write and the photographs which are intimate have been hard to publish.

The next few chapters include healing poems, photography and help/services.