iHaveSecrets

iHaveHope

I'm back! The last update was kind of bad and my writers block is gnawing away at me. But I'm having a pretty bad day and I hope to channel that negative energy into something productive!

Sam's POV:

Ugh! Why did things always have to go wrong? One moment Freddie was my boyfriend (crazy, right?!) and the next we were arguing again. Maybe I just got my hopes up too high. It was dumb of me - I mean, I've lived my life for 16 years, I should know by now that nothing ever goes right for me. Why can't I ever get one nice thing? No, let me rephrase that. One nice thing that isn't ruined by anyone or anything?! Why?

I was sitting on one of the bean bags in my secret-but-not-so-secret-anymore room. I had a water bottle in one hand and my Moony book in the other. I wrote whatever I wanted to in that book: songs, diary entries, poems, weird doodles and just about anything else you could think of. It was about ¾ of the way finished - I needed to get a new one soon. I reached for my phone to check in on Carly and realised I had left it at the Shay place. Shoot. I couldn't go back there, not with Freddie there at least. What was I going to do?! I took a sip of my water and tucked my hair behind my ears. It was then that I realised how much I relied on my phone for just about everything. It had originally been Melanie's but she gave it to me last time she visited. Man, I missed her. We may not have seen eye to eye on everything but she was my sister.

I left my secret room after about an hour. Freddie would've hopefully left by then so I could get my phone. I walked up the hall and round the corner to Carly's apartment and knocked on the door. Spencer answered.

"Oh, hey, Sam!" Spencer called.

"Hey, Shay!"

"Freddie went to the Groovy Smoothie a little while ago if you're looking for him, but you left your phone and toast here so I suppose it's good you came anyways."

"I kn- ooh you're right! I completely forgot, I did leave the toast! Gimme it!"

Spencer handed me my phone and my toast. I stuffed the toast into my mouth so that I would have two free hands to text Carly. I had a bunch of notifications from mom texting me. I guess she was still suffering the affects of her special medicine. I swiped away the notifications and clicked Carly's profile picture; then I began typing.

You 10:22 am:
Hey, Carls! How goes it?

It took a few minutes but finally Carly replied.

Carly 10:27 am:
Great! Me and Ryan watched a movie and now we're at this new breakfast place "Eggsucculent!" near the Groovy Smoothie. It's delish!

You 10:28 am:
Awesome! When are you gonna be home?

Carly 10:28 am:
Should be soon, we're finishing up food and Ryan just went to the restroom.

You 10:29 am:
Nice! Can't wait for you to get home and tell me all the details!

Carly 10:30 am:
Hahaha, sure thing!

I turned off the pear phone and slumped onto the couch. Spencer sat next to me.

"You good?"

Spencer was like an older brother to me, and I completely trusted him - even more than Carly or Freddie, which said a lot. Talking to him was easy, and his goofy personality always managed to make me laugh, so hearing him speaking in such a concerned tone kind of brought me back to reality. He cared about me, I knew that, I couldn't believe I had wasted so much time thinking otherwise . My instincts told me to tell him the truth.

"No..."

Spencer looked at me kindly.

"What's up?"

I took a deep breath.

"Well, my mom has little to no investment in my life unless she's on her special meds and that just leads her to be an absolute idiot to me. I feel horrible all the time: I have these awful, self demeaning thoughts and I'm never happy. I struggle to just get through the day without breaking down. I hate myself and it feels like nothing ever goes right for me. I-"

I took a breath.

"I don't know... I just wish things were better. I honestly wish I was Carly. Or Melanie. Or practically anyone else. Just not me in my stupid life."

Spencer looked thoughtful. After a moment, he spoke.

"Well, firstly, I hope you know that your feelings are completely normal. You aren't alone, there are loads of kids who feel the same way as you - even I felt that way when I was your age."

My eyes widened. Spencer felt this way too?

"But it will get better, I promise you! I know it feels like it'll never get better but it will! It won't be an overnight thing, you'll have to work at it. I know that sounds hard and intimidating - and it is, it isn't easy - but I also know that you want to get better, and I want you to get better too! I'm always here to talk, and so are Freddie and Carly and even Gibby! We're all here for you and we'll support you always, whatever you're going through!"

I didn't know what to say. Or what to think or feel or do. All I could manage to say was:

"W-woah... Thank you... So much!"

"No problem, kiddo!" He opened the fridge. "Ham?"

"When will I ever say no to ham?"