Damaged

Twenty Nine

  I had been nervous admitting to Arnold that I wanted him to stay... I had been so afraid that he wouldn't want to... But I never would have imagined that it would end up like this...

He had held me so tenderly and for such a long time... The two of us locked in the most delicate of kisses right in the middle of my living room as if it were a regular occurrence for me to have handsome men in the middle of my apartment... It had felt nice and safe and easy... And for just a few seconds I forgot everything I was even nervous about... None of it mattered because the one person who actually wants to be here with me is here... And he hasn't judged me for a single damn thing so far...  And I don't think he's about to start either...

Not with how hard he's been smiling since our lips had the courage to separate... Our conversation about whether or not he needs to go home and get pajamas and a pair of clothes for tomorrow so far having been a pleasant one as he follows me around while I get ready... His hands never far from my waist at any given moment so he can keep snapping me up for kisses that make my head spin, "I promise I do have spares in the car. I'm not just making it up so that I don't have to go find some or go home for them."

...

Arnold

...

"Are you sure? I wouldn't mind waiting up for you to go and grab some, Papi... I don't want you to be uncomfortable when we go to bed..." Perri is more than adorable as he double and triple checks to make sure that I have everything I need for the night... The fact that he hasn't figured out that the only thing I need to be comfortable right now is for him to keep being sweet and for the kisses we share to keep on making him blush and giggle...

With how many hours I used to put in at the office and how I used to hit the gym hard before going in to work I know I still have a few spare changes of clothes in the trunk of y car, and a few pare of basketball shorts that I know will be a suitable stand in for bedtime considering I normally just sleep nude or in my boxers...

There isn't a single reason for me to leave... And nothing short of Peri himself asking me to leave I won't be... Not when I've got permission to stay the night and spend it curled up with my sweet little painter...

All day I've been thinking about what it might be like to be able to hold him all night long and now I finally have the chance... I didn't want to walk away from him today... And I don't think I've ever actually had a date that's started so early and lasted all the way until the next day... Not like this...

I've had dates end in sex... Nights where the other person spent the night getting all sticky with me between the sheets before picking up and leaving in hushed awkward tones the next morning... But this is different...

This isn't sex after a nice dinner and a few roses... It's not the two of us arranging a scene and then making sure I have enough time to stick around afterward for aftercare...

It's me getting ready to spend the night at my boyfriend's apartment for the first time... And we're both nervous about it...

It's not like we haven't spent most of the day cuddling in one way or another... Fuck... It's not even like we haven't already seen each other naked... It just... It feels strange in my mind... As if it's carrying more weight in my mind that even though Peri knows my touch... Even though it feels like we've known each other for so much longer than just a day... That there are still things I don't know about him and things I haven't even bothered to ask about...  Like whether or not he was aware that me spending the night wouldn't ever mean that I expected him to lose his virginity without so much as a conversation...

It's interesting to me that the first thought that crossed his mind was about losing his v-card to me... Especially with the way he phrased it... But it was also a little hurtful knowing that he thought it would be expected of him... Not because of anything I did as he was sure to communicate to me after... But because our society has pushed the idea of everyone expecting dates to end in sex in the first place...

His honesty had been appreciated and adorable, and I had been quick to assure him that no matter what... No matter the day, the time, the occasion, or however long we've been together... Him sharing his body with me is not a requirement and it never will be...

As much as I would love to see his face all screwed up in pleasure while he begs me for release... I want that to only happen when and if he's ready for it to happen, and not a second sooner... Because more than anything...

I want my Princess to feel safe...

I don't think anyone has made the effort to make Peri feel safe... Not really... And not in a really long time... And I want to be the one to fix that...

I want him to see me and know that he's safe... And that nothing and no one is going to hurt him... I want him to know that he won't ever be consumed by the loneliness that I had observed mixed into the layers of paint of the masterpiece that was hung up in the restaurant we visited for lunch... Not if I can help it.