Damaged

Thirty

Arnold

...

Getting my Peri to relax with me here in his space wasn't easy for either one of us at first... It seemed like every time he would remember that I'm here he would tense up and freeze... Just for a second...

At least...

That is until we climbed into his very... Interesting... Bed situation, the three different body pillows, and multiple blankets broadcasting to me what I already know...

That my sweet Princess likes to be snuggled and likes to feel cuddled up and safe.

Which is perfect, because it seems like maybe this is what makes him most comfortable... The two of us laying down with him in my arms, his head resting on my chest as we settle in, no words being spoken immediately... Just soft even breathing and the feel of each other's warmth.

Or at least I thought it was helping until my sweet little Picasso pipes up and says, "I... I never thought I'd ever have a man up here, Papi... But here you are, and in my bed no less."

...

Periska

...

My words are said in wonder and amazement, but saying them out loud? Clearly not a good option considering how stiff Arnold becomes as he holds me... His hesitation seeming strange as his hand slides up my side so that he might take me by the chin and lead my face up until I'm looking my new Papi in the eyes... His face may be more serious than I've seen it so far other than when he told me he would never steal my virginity without me being very very ready and willing to share my body with him that way.

"Periska... Baby... Please tell me if you really want me here. I dont have to stay the night if you dont want me to, and I am so sorry if my offering to stay made you feel trapped or like you had to le-"

As much as I appreciate him trying to triple-check my consent... All it makes me want to do is kiss him for how thoughtful he's being... And for how seriously he clearly takes my consent... And my comfort... And my feelings.

So I do.

I wiggle my way up the side of his body until I'm able to cut my sweet Papi off mid-sentence with a kiss that I very much hope shows him how much I do want him to stay... I want him to stay very much...

I just dont want to lose my virginity when I feel so uneven and inadequate in so many ways...

I want to give myself a chance to really take to heart our differences so that I dont feel bad about all of the things I haven't accomplished yet in life compared to my very handsome and very kind and genuinely successful boyfriend.

I also want to make sure that I'm actually ready to take that step of being physical with someone. Today Arnold and I have gone very deep very quickly... He's seen me run from my family... Have a seizure in his lap... Cry... Accomplishing things physically difficult for me while listening to Dr.Miller describe the worst thing that ever happened to me... And Arnold also discovered so much about my health and well-being today...

All of that and he accepted me without batting an eye.

I'd be foolish to think that none of that would make me feel grateful and emotional and insecure all at the same time.

I want making love to my partner to be just that.

Making love.

Showing each other the physical embodiment of how we feel about each other.