Burn Me

06: Gargole Grey

Lily Ardeath

I expected my first departure from home to be more sorrowful. I imagined myself going out of my way to hug my family members and kiss their foreheads in goodbye. I imagined the sun embracing my hair as freckles spotted upon on my cheeks that were blanched with a smile. I imagined myself with tears streaming from my eyes in happy sadness. I imagined my four friends on my sides with their bags in hand. I imagined my passport in my left and my plane ticket in my right.

Never in my 17 years did I imagine this. 7 am in the morning, cold, hard, painful ice crunching underneath my sneakers and covering our roof with icicles. 7 am in the morning with a black van and unfriendly driver parked in front of my house. 7 am in the morning with no ticket and no passport in my hands, only a pair of black mittens in my left. 7 am with my tired family standing in a line in front of me with pj bottoms peeking from their coats. 7 am with my 4 friends clutching steaming cups of bought coffee.

I've never been one for coffee, always liked tea and hot chocolate. Which Mare obviously knew— I was handed one upon their arrival. Amber drove them over in her red jeep, the hand-me- down from her brother. I didn't expect her to come wish me farewell, but she was the only one with a car.

7 am in the morning, 2 bags piled beside a cold leather seat of a freshly smelling car. 7 am in the morning with a dark blue sky, no sun present, no smell of pancakes or shouting of kids, a somber yet peaceful kind of quiet. I expected it to be more sorrowful— yes that's true— but it didn't mean this wasn't a sad moment.

After Mare handed me a warm cup of tea from our favorite bakery, the girls circled me with sleepy farewells. Everyone was yawning and their faces were swollen with dreams I interrupted. Christina cries over everything so it was no surprise when she let a few salty tears drop from her brown eyes.

Amber never got whiny, stone cold bitch that one was— but I liked that about her. She had a short and simple comment "I guess you beat me after all, fuck up." We've always hand that kind of banter, I don't mind it, it's good to know she won't change while I'm gone. She's not treating this departure like some life- changing event, she's just treating it like any regular goodbye.

Talia was sad— and still asking if this was really happening— which it was. I'm leaving for the Competition of the Terra Throne on this crisp, dark, looming, 7 am, morning.

Mare was sad— she has a thing with attachement. In all fairness so do I, at least to things that stay in my life longer then a year. And she's been here way longer then a year. She tugged my arm and pulled me into so many hugs I couldn't keep track of a number. I hugged her back, I like hugging her. It's not an immediate problem when it's with her.

Mom and dad stood with Izzy in between them, her tired body laid limp on my dad's chest with my mom's hand rubbing her little back. We talked for maybe an hour after those two men left? Mom and dad silently made a batch of hot chocolate while I lit the fire.

When the kids were off watching tv and the boys had gone off to do a nighttime workout or text their girlfriends— they sat me down in our comfortable red couch and interrogated me in front of the fire. The flames flickered on their faces with minimal aid from the lamps on the side tables.

"I made a batch of cookies last night. Couldn't sleep." I said as I grabbed Izzy softly from dad.

"I knew I heard banging." My mom weakly smiled.