Am I Alone (Trans! Virgil)

2

[Virgil POV]

Just because my fingernails are short doesn't mean I can't draw blood with them. I feel the blood drip down my arm, instantly feeling relief. (Please, don't hurt yourselves. I know how hard it can get. I struggle with this every day. Although it causes me relief at the time, it just causes more pain in the long run.) I sigh as I get up and leave the stall. I go over to the sink and run water, splashing some on my face. I also put my arm under to clean it a bit. I dash back to class, I still feel a bit of anxiety, but I can handle it. I get back to class and erase my name from the whiteboard.

The three boys look, worried? I'm glad I have waterproof eyeshadow. If I didn't, they'd be able to suspect that I had a breakdown. Wouldn't that be embarrassing? Having three new people pity me? I'm incredibly stupid sometimes, or should I say all the time. This is only the first class too. What the hell? I wonder how dreadful the rest of the day's going to be. I trudge over to the others. 

"Welcome back! You were forty minutes in there, bud," Patton mentions with a  concerned tone in his voice. I sigh and take a seat in the place I was sitting before. I put my pounding head down on the table. 

"Y-yeah, I just felt really sick," I lie. I always deceive people but for their own good. I mean it's not a lie. I did feel like I was going to vomit. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's no fun," Patton replies. I wonder how he can be so incredibly kind to people, especially me. I hear the piercing ring of the bell, I cringe. Loud noises remind me of back "home" before I moved out of course. I get up going to my next class. Math. 

I sigh, I'm not good at math. I have the class with Logan though, which is cool. The class goes by pretty slow but finally ends. I didn't talk in math at all. The rest of the day goes by quickly until the last period which is a free one. The other three have a free period too. 

We all meet up and just sit outside. I have my hood on and it looks like I'm going to sell drugs to them. 'Why are you so suspicious take your hood down idiot' I listen to the voice. I don't know why they asked to meet up with me. 

"So, emo nightmare, we were wondering if we could come over," Roman questions. I freeze, why would they want to come over. Then they'll know where I live, what if they just come over whenever. If they found me in the middle of an anxiety attack they wouldn't ever want to be my friends. 

"Um... Yeah, sure," I decide, this was not my plan. I hate how I blurt stuff out before I have time to think.  I look at the other three to see huge smiles on their faces, well except for Logan.  This is going to be a new experience for me. It's all so soon too, new people coming over to my place? Sounds like what would happen in a book. 

I'll be able to handle myself. Hearing the last bell ring we leave. I'm also happy that we're outside because it didn't affect me as much. 

"Virgil, were you really sick earlier," Patton asks. I smile at him, it's not real obviously. 'He might be able to see through me' 

"Yeah, but I'm feeling better though," I fib. I don't want anyone to find out I have something wrong with me. Well, I have several things wrong with it. There's so much I don't want people to find out. I'm living a big lie, I'm surprised they can't tell I'm trans I mean I thought I didn't pass at all. 

"Okay, I'm glad you're doing bett-," Patton gets cut off. 

"So, Virgil, why do you live on your own," Roman blurts. I guess I'll tell them why I moved out, they deserve at least some honesty. 

"Well, I'll be honest, I was abused for something I can't control, so I left," I bite my lip. I continue walking. My pace gets a bit faster, it happens when I'm anxious. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry, that's horrible, no one deserves that," Roman's voice breaks a bit. He grabs my hand stopping me. He then pulls me into a hug. 

"We're all here if you need to talk, I've been there too, although my aunt did" Roman continues reassuring me. 'He's been here too? I'm not alone?' I smile and hug back. I feel more arms wrap around me and I tear up. 

"Thank you, you're all too nice to me," I laugh sadly. I feel safe for once in my life, maybe they will be my friends. We pull apart and keep walking, time to go to my place.

Thanks for reading this chapter and I really hope you enjoyed it! Virgil is opening up to them, yay! Anyways, if you're suicidal please tell someone, hurting yourself isn't the answer, I know I sound like a hypocrite here but for me, it became an addiction and doing it for four years, it's really hard to stop, but I'm trying. As long as you try just know that it's worth it. Life is so beautiful and you were placed in it for a reason. Self-love is hard but I know you (and even me) will get there in time. Make sure to take time to practice it, do things for yourself, things you like. Don't let people control you, drink water, please eat. Talk to someone you trust or even just talk to me, I won't tell anyone, I'll just support you through whatever it is. I don't have all the answers but I have support to give to you whenever you need it. I may not reply right away but I'll try to make sure to do it asap. Just hold on, every day you hold on is another day you're here and that's amazing you're all so strong! Keep it up! I love you.

-Oliver