Home Away From Home

Chapter Fifteen

DAY FORTY TWO

I'm not going to lie; I've been a little awkward with the Luke since the Night of My Emotional Breakdown in His Bed. I've expertly avoided him in situations that we would be alone in, but I've noticed him dodging me a few times as well. It's only been like two days, but I kind of miss him.

My dad is still in the hospital, but he's recovering. I hope they aren't just trying to spare my feelings; I really hope he's actually getting better. Luke knows too-- he sat in on a conversation I had with Em yesterday. 

Today Liz and Andy and I are planning a small party for Luke's birthday-- or I guess Liz and Andy are; I'm really just a prop. I didn't even know when his birthday was until Andy said something about it yesterday, which means I also have to find him a present. 

"Greta, if you could just text the boys and let them know, that'd be great." Liz laid her arm on my shoulder as her eyes told me that that is all she is going to have me do because it's her son's birthday, and she should be in charge.

A little disappointed by the belittling look, I did as I was told. 
"Hey, guys. Liz and Andy are throwing a party for Luke, and they want you there. Oh, but don't tell Luke." I sent out a group message. The only reason I have Ashton and Michael's numbers is because I stole them from Luke's phone while he left it with me one day. 

They must be hanging out because they all sent a thumbs-up emoji at the same time. I rolled my eyes to myself. "Are you sure there is nothing else I can do?"
I asked Liz and Andy. I felt like an inconvenience, but I didn't have to be-- I could help.

"Not right now, but we can have you keep Luke busy the day of." Andy smiled at me, dismissing me from the room. 

I blushed at Andy's comment, though I had no reason to. "Okay, just let me know if you need anything."

I left up to my room, where I plopped down on my bed. I let out a deep sigh-- loud enough to break the sound barrier. I have become increasingly frustrated these past couple of days: frustrated with myself, with Luke, with my family at home, with Liz and Andy, with Australia. I just wanted to get away for a few days-- anywhere alone. Truly alone. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to will myself somewhere else. 

When I was little, my mom sent me to counselling, which lasted about a month or two. But I had always had a hard time controlling my emotions, anger in particular, and my counsellor had me do the same activity each of the sessions I attended. 

"Breathe," she had said. "Take in a deep breath and let it out however you want. Let it out loud, let it out soft, let it out in a silly way, or let it out in a laugh. Just let it out."

And I'd do it. I'd let it out. I'd let it out for so long that I thought I would never inhale again. And she'd tell me to close my eyes. Close them softly, squeeze them shut, flutter them. "Just close your eyes," she repeated.

And I did. I always always clenched them shut as hard as I could.

"Now go somewhere." She'd whisper, and that would be the only thing she'd say to me until ten minutes before our time was up.

That was a long time ago, and I was young, but I find myself doing it every so often. It's relaxing, and it's transformative. 

Today I'm buried in snow some thousands of miles away from here and away from home. It's cold, but it's numbing. 

I was interrupted by a knock on my door. Luke wasn't due home for another half hour, but then I looked at the clock to see that he's actually back later than expected. I get lost in my own head so easily these days.

"My mom just asked me to check on you. Said she hadn't seen or heard from you." Luke shyed his gaze away from mine, and his face pinked up. I tucked my smile away and let out a soft sigh.

It's nice to have people care about you, but sometimes it's just suffocating. "I'm fine." I spoke lightly, trying to hide any displeasure.

"Okay, I'll just--" Luke pointed his thumb out the door and began to step back.

"Stay." I blurted, surprising both him and myself. "Please."

"Yeah." He whispered, moving to his chair across from my bed. Things were familiar again; things were comfortable again.

I bit the inside of the corner of my mouth, trying to draw up a conversation. "Uh, will you tell me about your band?"

Luke looked up from the hat he was fiddling with, completely missing my question. "Huh?"

"Your band. Will you tell me about it?" I searched his eyes for any sign that he might be keeping something back. His eyes are like a construction sight. 

"There's not much to tell. We were a band, and now we're not." Luke seemed apprehensive and tense.

I cocked my head and dropped my eyes. "But what's the story?"

Luke's mouth opened centimeters before sealing shut again as he looked away from me.

"You don't have to tell me. I was just curious. I understand if you don't wanna..." I felt bad for pushing him, which I didn't really think I was doing, but this is obviously a sensative topic.

"No, it's fine. Uh, we started a band, and we were good. We were going somewhere, and I knew we would the first day we practiced. No one else thought we'd make it out of the garage, but I knew we would. And we did. We had an album. It wasn't crazy successful, and it was kinda crap quality, but we got our sound out and stuff."
Luke sighed and kept playing with his hat. He kept his voice soft and low. 
"We played gigs and traveled around a bit. We had this tour thing, but only like thirty people showed up to the shows. We even opened for Hot Chelle Rae when they came here."

"Really?" I was completely shocked. I had no idea Luke was kind of a successful musician. 

"Yeah. But then Ashton broke his hand, so we had to take a break for him to heal up and stuff. And then Michael got really sick. Like we were all scared, and it took a long time for him to get better. And so we just took it as a sign. Plus Calum's football career picked up. I mean, you've seen him play; he's phenomonal. We all agreed we couldn't take that away from him for some petty music gigs. And so we stopped." 

Luke bit his lip hard, and he shrugged his shoulders, letting them drop and stay there. The room fell silent, and I just watched him. I regretted asking the question for the sake of Luke's well-being, but I couldn't help but want to know more and hear his stuff. 

"I'm sorry." I said quietly and sincerely after I'd had enough of the silence. 

"Me too, really." Luke sounded defeated, and my heart ached for him.

"This probably really isn't the right time to say anything, but I'd love to hear you play sometime. Like not in the park..." I stared at him and waited for him to look up-- to look at me. 

"I'm really not that good. It was a silly dream I had a few years ago." Luke shook his head, dismissing himself, and I wanted to kiss him senseless so he knows what silly actually feels like.

"Bull." I sounded more forceful and defensive than I had anticipated.

Luke just looked at me with hard eyes, challenging my rebuttle. He lost. His eyes softened and melted into mine. "Maybe."

"I'm okay with maybe."

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idrk. thanks for reading, loves. xxxxxx