Tarzan & G.I. Jane (Complete)

Part 18

TRIGGER WARNING!! -Self harm

It is a beautiful Saturday. The humidity is low so I decide to go for a run outside instead of on the gym treadmill. Even so, it doesn't take long before I am soaked in sweat. Since I'm in the area I stop by the commissary and grab a bottle of water. 

As soon as I am outside I twist it open, throw my head back, and down it. When I finish it I spot Tarzan and Libby having a conversation across the way. I can't hear what is being said. 

I don't know how to explain the emotion I felt as I stood there and watched as Libby reached up on her tip toes and kissed Tarzan. My simi empty water bottle now lays on the ground as water gushes out creating a dark stain on the sidewalk. I must have made a sound because my eyes suddenly lock with his piercing blue eyes. 

I don't know where I am going but I know I can't just stand there as he starts towards me. I won't ...no I can't listen to whatever he is going to say. My brain is so fogged with confusion and pain and anger I don't even see Sam until I run straight into him. 

I don't think twice about what I am doing or why I am doing it. I tilt my head up and kiss Sam. I know Tarzan can see us. Sam is frozen in shock but I am pulled back to my senses when I notice Sam is kissing me back. Part of me likes it and wants to keep going, the other part of me is screaming WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS IS SAM!?!?!?! 

Before my brain has the chance to register what is happening or what to do about it I am pulled back. With a thick arm wrapped around my back is pressed into a solid chest. An animalistic growl vibrates through the chest. At the same time the other arm swings forward and connects with Sam's face. Sam stumbles back. He looks at the two of us with shock and confusion. Without saying a word he shakes his head and walks past us and disappears into a building. 

I spin around and my eyes connect with another pair, set a blaze with anger. The haze of confusion evaporates. It's like I am slapped in the face with the image of him and Libby kissing. 

"Don't touch me!"

I turn to storm off. 

"Jane wait!"

I can feel the anger fly out of me like daggers. 

"That is NOT my name!"

I don't know if he is following me and I don't care. For the first time since I met him months ago I want to get as far away from him as possible. I don't want to go back to Sam's right now but I don't know where else to go. I just keep walking. 

I can't stop my brain from running non stop over everything. I think about the amazing week I had in the jungle with Tarzan. I think about the fear and guilt I felt while he was in the hospital. Then I think about the pain and regret of leaving him. 

Which leads me to think about all the days and weeks and months he must have spent with Libby. She was older than us but she was pretty. She was so nice and helpful when I visited Tarzan in the hospital. How could they not fall for each other... 

Then there are the new strange thoughts about Sam. Why did he kiss me back like that? Was there something more there that I never realized? Which now has me rethinking why he came to see me in Georgia and invited me back here. But it's Sam...we have been best friends for years. And Tarzan hit him! What is he thinking right now? What if he wants to be more than friends? Do I want to be more than friends? I've never even thought about it. What if he kicks me out? I have no home...no family!

My cell has been going off randomly a lot but I barely notice it and don't answer it. I find myself outside of Sam's house and it's dark now. I walk inside and all the lights are off and Sam seems to be not home. I have no energy to even worry about turning the lights on. I sit down on the edge of my bed. My eyes are heavy with unshed tears but it's like I don't even have the energy to let them fall. It's dark and my chest is heavy. I don't feel anything and everything at the same time.

I stand up and walk into the kitchen. I open the draw and grab what I want. I slide down the cabinets and sit on the floor. I glide the knife across my skin. It's not enough to break the skin but leaves a pink scratch mark behind. 

It's not enough. 

The second time I press harder as the blade leaves a trail of red secretion behind. The pain pulls me from my darkness and my tears are finally able to fall. I haven't done this since back when I was being tossed around the foster system. I do it a few more times and everytime it's like a breath of fresh air from the darkness. How did everything get so screwed up?

------------------

"Gabbie NO!" 

In my groggy state I see Sam grab something off the counter before falling to his knees in front of me. How long have I been sitting here?

"What did you do?!"

I don't respond to him. I just watch him. He wipes at my thighs and then wraps the towel around my left arm. I barely notice the ground drift away as Sam picks me up bridal style and starts out the door. I try to look up at the night sky but I can't keep my head from bouncing around so I try to focus on Sam's face. He has such a nice face. I have to squeeze my eyes shut when he rushes into the hospital. It is far too bright. 

I feel him lay me down on a bed. I hear people's feet and a few people asking what happened. 

"I don't know, I just found her. She had a knife. I think she cut herself."

I can hear the fear in Sam's voice. I can't open my eyes but I know if I did I would see him almost in tears by the way his voice broke on that last bit of information. They wheel me back and I drown out the voices. I don't understand half of what they're saying and I don't care. I let the quiet chaos put me to sleep.